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Californian’s, it’s time for voting, so pay fucking attention.

First of all I don’t write about politics very often because, along with being a polarizing topic, I typically just don’t care.  I don’t give a shit who you vote for for president because no matter which pin head you people decide to put into office; we’re fucked.

McCain is a fear-mongering war vet, and putting him in charge is like asking a zombie to be responsible while watching over a fresh brains buffet.  Also, I’m pretty sure that he’s a cyborg who doesn’t understand human emotion.

Obama is an inexperienced socialist, and putting him in charge is like asking Pippy Longstocking to be in command of an aircraft carrier.  Also, I’m pretty sure that he’ll sell out this country like a snitchy little prison bitch.

But I’m not here to tell you how fuck the future of this nation.  We’re far beyond that point.  I’m here to convince you to vote no on Prop. 8 in California.  First off I’m not voting no on Prop 8 because I care about gay marriage (and stick with me on this one for a little bit, gay people); certainly, I AM voting NO on Prop 8; but not because of the issue of homosexuals tying the knot.  I do believe that gay people have the right to get married; it just doesn’t affect me personally.  And, honestly, if you’re not a dude who’s going to marry another dude, then why should you give a shit?

Honestly, why?

It’s not like all of a sudden, for each and every gay marriage performed, an equal amount of straight marriages must be dissolved. Shit just doesn’t work that way.

First of all; the idea that “gay marriage” is going to ruin straight marriage is about as sober of an idea as thinking that all children who play Pokemon will grow up to enslave small animals and pit them in fights to the death.  The divorce rate for heterosexual couples is 50%.  Unless straight couples start murdering each other on their wedding night, I’m not sure that straight marriage can get much more fucked.  And at least gay couples can’t have babies in order to try and trap people into failed relationships.  Something that I’ve seen happen on more than one occasion with heterosexual couples.

The real reason that I’m voting no on Prop 8, and the same reason that you should, is the absolutely terrifying precedent that this proposition will set.  If this proposition passes, it establishes two things that not only scare the shit out of me, but it makes me violently, shit my pants, sick.  This proposition establishes that not only can the government legislate what two consenting adults can and can not do, it also establishes a moral barometer for the country.  And if you don’t read that statement and get midget punchingly angry then you’re an abject fucking idiot.

First of all, the government has absolutely no right to govern what I do in my private life - within certain limitations, of course.  If the actions of my private life start to infringe upon the rights of others then I’m in violation of the constitution.  But I must make the point that not being offended isn’t a right.  For example: below is a picture of two dudes kissing.  It might offend some of you but the only thing - and keep this shit in mind  - the absolute only thing you can do to not be offended by this is to not look at it.  That’s it.

And, just for balance…

Here’s the deal; what two consenting adults decide to do, as long as they are not violating the constitutional rights of others, is their own personal business.   And it should remain that way.  If I decide that I want to spend an evening getting retarded drunk and having butt sex, the only way you get to have a say in that is if I decide to do it in YOUR house or in public.  At no point in time should the government step in and try to prevent me from having butt sex.  It’s not their fucking decision.  Hell, if you want to take it one step further, as long as I’m doing it in the privacy of my home (and my decisions don’t directly affect the the rights of another) then the government should have no say.  If you’re not really on board with that idea, let’s use the example of the government trying to legislate the consumption of alcohol; and we all saw how good legislating drinking turned out.

But that’s exactly where we are heading if Prop 8 passes. Prop 8 basically says that even if there are two consenting adults, who are completely capable of making their own decisions, who want to engage in an event that has ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING ON ANYONE ELSE, the government can step in and shake it’s bony, school marm finger in their face and say, “Nuh-Uh, faggots, everyone else can make their own decisions, but you can’t.”

In taking this argument down the slippery slope that seems to be so very popular these days;  at what point does the government decide that they’ve reached the demarcation point of interfering with my personal life?  Does it stop at telling people who they can marry?  Maybe we start looking into what people are watching on television?  Maybe we should keep ideas that would be disingenuous to the government away from people.  Hell, we could probably do that by burning any books that contain those ideas.  At what point do we stop looking at George Orwell’s 1984 as a cautionary tale, and start looking at it as a guideline for quelling public insurgency?

Have I started getting through yet?

The other frightening precedent this proposition sets, above and beyond anything else, is that it sets a firm and magnetic north for the moral compass of this country.  And that’s utter bullshit.

Morals are a very subjective. Morality isn’t something that you can legislate because not everyone believes the same thing.  Let’s start with a basic example.  Even if we could all agree on the very basic fact that what two people do behind closed doors, out of the view of the public eye, without involving anyone other than the two aforementioned consenting adults, is all good: you would still have people who would state that prostitution is morally offensive.  Why?  It abides by that very same rule that we all agreed upon.  But even then, with that rule so plainly defined, you’re going to have people who argue the point that it doesn’t fit their particular view of that rule that we all agreed upon.

The morals that you are using as a definition for trying to get this law passed are based upon a religious pretext.  Lest I remind you that this great divide between all of these bullshit religions is what has caused almost every major war in the history of mankind.  If this proposition manages to squeak through we are officially defining the moral compass of this supposedly free nation on the ethics of a biblical tome that was written thousands of years ago.  If we take the last leap off of sanity cliff and officially define the bible as the moral center of this nation then we are establishing that we can, at any given point, go back to this historical document for literal guidance for governing this nation. Here are some things that are written in the bible as law:

If a priest’s daughter is a whore, she is to be burnt at the stake.  (Leviticus 21:9) (good bye strip clubs, the perpetual half way home for the emotionally stunted preachers kid)

If anyone, even your own family suggests worshipping another God, kill them. (Deuteronomy 13:6-10)

Psychics, wizards, and so on are to be stoned to death.  (Leviticus 20:27) Run and hide Harry, forget Valdemort, the Christians are coming to get you.

“When men fight with one another, and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand.” — Deuteronomy 25:11-12 - That’s right.  If you’re getting the shit kicked out of you and your wife steps in to save your ass by grabbing the grapes of the dude who’s kicking your teeth in, your reasonable and biblical response should not be to high five her and say, “Good tag team effort honey.” - you’re supposed to cut her fucking hand off.

This is the book you want to define the laws of America in the 21st century?  You people are fucking insane!

Lastly I want to address the propaganda ads that have been running here in this state.  Some of the most confused, ass backwards, misinformed advertising I’ve ever heard on the radio.

The first ad I heard was one that threatened that if Prop 8 doesn’t pass then,”…churches will lose their tax exempt status.” Fucking Good.  Why do churches deserve tax exempt status?  I have to pay taxes when I drink.  I have to pay taxes when I smoke cigars.  If I go to a titty bar I have to pay taxes in the form of tips just so I can enjoy the luxury of having fake tits in my face.  All of my vices are taxed; so why shouldn’t yours be?  Religion and Jesus are as much of a vice as my drinking and predilection for tits.  Vices are the things that you are addicted to that make it possible for you to weather the storm of every day.  You choose Jesus, I choose strippers and booze.

Only difference being that no one ever went on a genocidal rampage to please a titty dancer.

Also, I can prove the existence of all my vices.  I’m not the dumb ass who’s paying for a lap dancer that never actually shows up… no matter how much I believe she will.

Another ad I heard talked about acceptance of the gay lifestyle being mandatory.  Like your Jesus shit hasn’t forced upon me for the last thirty years like a late night pitch man that just won’t go away. And, honestly, if we’re going to look at a concept being forced on people let’s look at marriage itself - a concept that is very nebulous in definition.  If the concept of marriage, in and of itself a religious concept, had not been forced on the entire populace - then no one would be demanding wide range acceptance of it.  Think about it; if marriage hadn’t been forced upon the populace of EVERYONE, then no one would demand a different kind of marriage be accepted.   Due to your years of proselytizing and demanding that everyone accept marriage as the epitome of a relationship your doctrine has finally seeped into the American consciousness.  Even the gay consciousness.  That’s right Christians, you fucked yourselves on this one.

At least the gays don’t come knocking on my door at 8am on a Saturday morning trying to sell on me on the idea of sucking dick.

The government’s job is to govern on behalf of the people, not to moralize on behalf of some whiny cunts who can’t accept that shit has changed since they were young.  I don’t know if you folks are aware, but Negroes and The Womens can vote and own property now.  A statement like that seems pretty normal but it was only 92 years ago when women first got the vote; and a mere 54 years ago when we ended segregation.  Looking back at those times; isn’t the idea of gay marriage something that we’re going look back upon in two generations with a grimace?  Do we not have a chance to be the generation that ends one more itteration of intolerance and religious persecution?

Here’s the bottom line: I am a happy and secure married man. I have gay friends and the idea of them getting married has absolutely no bearing on my marriage.  I have gay friends and relatives who are married and their new found “status” as a married couple has done nothing to diminish my status as a married person… and it never fucking will.  The only thing this proposition’s supporters are doing is standing behind a religious edict in order to persecute yet other group of people.

I’ll close this thing out with two sincere statements.

1. I am all of the following: an asshole, a prick, politically incorrect, completely insensitive and I typically don’t give a shit about the feelings or emotions of others…and even I think that this is a short sighted attempt by a tyrannical government to oppress yet another group of people by invoking the name of Jesus.

2. “It would be really nice if we could live in a country that didn’t try to use religion to oppress people from living their own lives,” My Wife.

If anyone happens to know of a country that represents the ideals of being free from religious persecution - and you happen to have a spare Sea Fairing vessel - let me know so that we leave these puritanical pricks and start our continent..except without all that killing of the indigenous peoples.

Now get the fuck out and vote.  This means more than me and you.

Travis

I would like to announce, here and now, that I will be going down in scientific journals for discovering a new chemical compound; Awesomeonium Nitrate.  Awesomnium nitrate is comprised of three elements that have just been added to a new section of the periodic table of elements.  Awesomeonium Nitrate is made by mixing equal parts of the following.

Tattooed Chicks With Attitudes
Old School Roller Skates
Healthy Doses of Kick Ass

Fortunately for me Sacramento has a steady stockpile of Awesome in their very own Sacred City Derby Girls.  But before we get into the hows and whys of Sacred City first let’s take a look at how Roller Derby came about.

Roller Derby, in it’s original incarnation was obviously the product of a cocaine fueled, James Caan movie marathon that culminated with a viewing of Rollerball and one coke fiend turning to the other with the saliant thought,  “This fucking rules, but it would be so much better if it were hot chicks.”  Which was quickly followed by a high five and a swift, yet decisive, “Fuck Yeah!”

With it’s over the top characters, pre-determined outcomes and vaudeville like theatrics,  the 1970s heyday of derby had more in common with pro-wrestling than with the legitimate sport it’s striving to be today.  Though a little bit of pro-wrestling does sneak in.  Hell at the first bout I went to I saw a chick throw an elbow that would make the rock jealous.  But don’t be fooled by the outfits or the stage names, these girls are working their asses off to bring legitimacy back to the sport.

I was introduced to the world of Sacramento Roller Derby by my friend Bri - better known to her team mates at Brat-Worst.  Though I will admit that one of the derby names she was deciding between; Bri-Tard, was my favorite.  After months of cajoling Brat-Worst managed to get me off my lazy ass and show up at to the Roller King in Roseville where the frenzy of the event far outweighed any of my expectations.  I expected to see roughly twenty or thirty fans, comprised mostly of guilt tripped friends and family - like most of my comedy shows.  What I got was two to three hundred people, young, old and everything in between, anxiously awaiting not only their hometown team but even their heroes.  And I’ll admit it, I was impressed.  So much so that I approached the teams board of directors in order to write this very article.

Following an approval process that involved a lot of awkward explanation of this site’s name - which believe me I’m used to - I showed up to practice on a chilly Thursday at the very same roller rink where I saw my first bout.  The roller rink was a strangely foreign place that night.  Tonight there would be no childlike atmosphere.  No laser lights and cheesy eighties slow songs.  Not a nauseatingly awkward couples skate  to be found.  Just grit and determination were present as I watched the Sacred City Derby Girls lace up their skates and tighten up their pads for another grueling night of practice.  Make no mistake; though these girls wear rollerskates and suggestive outfits, the closest they are going to come to your idea of a roller girl is if they get into a fist fight with Heather Graham.  Which any these roller girls would win with both arms tied behind their back. And blindfolded.  What I’m trying to say is: Heather Graham, your whore ass days are numbered.

As practice started heating up I sat down with three of Sacred City’s vets; Vicious Token, Rosie Knuckles and Foxy Knoxy to discuss Derby, Sacred Citys community presence and what brought them all together for what is,  according to the Sacramento News and Review, The Best Thing On Eight Wheels.

In the pantheon of women’s organized sports Roller Derby is the fight club of the group. All of these girls have regular lives, regular jobs and regular names. They’re mothers and sisters.  College students and professionals.  But once they lace up their skates they become entirely different people.

Vicious Token: For me, my derby name is who I become when I step out on the track.  Who I am in my regular life is not who I am at derby, [and] I think that goes for alot of the girls here.

“Even if I could tell someone they had a good fight, I wouldn’t be talking to the same man.  Who you were in fight club was not who you were in the rest of the world.”

But lacing up a pair of skates with these ladies isn’t as easy as walking into the arena and demanding a one on one fight.  These girls go through months of intensive training.  Training that I couldn’t complete even following two cycles of steroids and a wang enlargement surgery.  And while it does pain me to add another group of girls to the list  of chicks who could kick my ass; these girls have earned every stripe they’ve got.

Vicious Token: There’s months of drills.  Learning how to slide on your equipment, learning how to take a fall so you don’t splay all over the track and take other people down with you. Endurance drills.   Not to mention learning the rules and the strategy of the game.

Rosie Knuckles: The more inexperienced the person you’re skating against the more likely it is that someone’s gonna get hurt on the track.

Foxy Knoxy: Every heat is a flat out sprint.  If you don’t have the endurance you’re gonna fall flat on your fucking face.

And as long as we’re discussing the subject of the rules and strategy of the game;  here’s your color by numbers guide to the rules of Roller Derby.

“A guy came in to fight club his ass was a wad of cookie dough, after a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.”

The Sacred City Derby Girls let it all hang out on the track at each bout.  The display of physicality is so impressive that I’d pit the SCD Girls against almost anyone in a fight.

(subliminal note. Kim if you throw yourself in front of a bus we’ll consider my birthday present bought and paid for)

According to The Derby Girls themselves: the action, roughneck tactics and hard-assery stay on the track.

Vicious Token: We leave it all on the track.  The competition’s there and everyone wants to win but once we leave the track we’re all friends.

Foxy Knoxy: We’re all hard asses but once we leave the track we’re all friends.  There’s something to be said for hitting a girl hard as hell and having her bring it right back at you and once it all said and done having a drink together.

But what takes place on the track is only half the story of the burgeoning legacy of the Sacred City Derby Girls.  For every ounce of heart that they let bleed out on the track; they more than willingly share with the community of the greater Sacramento area.

Rosie Knuckles: We’re heavily involved in the community.

Vicious Token: We do Second Saturday (Sacramento’s monthly art and music festival downtown), Chalk it up (Sacramento’s sidewalk art festival to benefit children’s art eduation ) and we even do our event called Noise For Toys where we get a live show going with a bunch of bands and Derby Girls and we collect toys for under privileged kids.

That’s right; the tattooed, hard hitting, skate devils of Sacred City have hearts of gold and spend a lot of time giving back to the community that has made them what they are.  The dichotomy that these girls represent - the balance between ass-kickery and altruism - would be like watching Godzilla handing out chocolates to orphans.  Sure what you’re seeing is fucking awesome…it’s just not what you were expecting.

Saint Godzilla, patron saint of smashing towns, scaring the Japanese and finding lost socks.

But the real story here, outside of the jokes, and the poorly photoshopped images, is the story of women finding themselves and finding a sisterhood that they can believe in.  For each of these women the sorority of being a derby girl has not only been a fun ride, but an avenue to self realization and means of - sort of , kind of - salvation.  For each of these girls this team is more than a sum of it’s parts.

Vicious Token: I had a great professional life. I was really satisfied while I was at work but beyond that I didn’t have what I was looking for.  When I joined derby all that shit changed.

Foxy Knoxy: I’d been involved in sports and been active all of my life and being involved in derby let’s me be physical and it’s like a sense of family.

Rosie Knuckles: I think for most of us it’s a like a family more than it is a team.  When one of us is down; we’re all down.  When we’re happy everybody is happy.  We help each other out and take care of each other.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen: Sacramento’s own Sacred City Derby Girls.  A unique group of women that kick ass on wheels, party hard off the track and support the community that has made them an attraction. Each and every bout that these ladies put on is an all out fest of speed, guts and determination, but don’t think these shows are for adults only.  Sacred city also prides themselves on putting together an event that is fun for all ages with a beer garden for the adults, the Jelly Belly man for the kids and of course the full force of badassical of the roller derby bout itself.

So make sure you get the hell out to their last bout of the year - which is this weekend - and get 150% of your daily supply of Awesomeonium Nitrate.  And if, for some ungodly reason, you miss the last bout of the season.  Then you damn sure better make it out to catch a face-full of radical at their next fundraiser.  Because if  it’s an accepted fact that derby is awesome; then derby chicks mud wrestling has to be holyshitthisisfuckingsupersweetomgwtfbbqcrap!