HowToKillPeople.com|

Since most of you are going to be forced to live in the communal experiment called dorm life, this part of the howtokillpeople.com college freshman survival guide will deal with dorm life.

First things first: The dorms themselves.

There are a number of specialty living arrangements at almost any college that can serve to avoid the unmitigated mess that is the average dorm. The three most common of which are; single sex, chemical and substance free, and specialty of theme housing.

Proponents of higher education will tell you that living in a single sex dorm, where you aren’t subject to the pressures of drinking and smoking, and living with like minded people who share you interests will be a way of alleviating a certain amount of social stresses during your first year of higher education. These same people will also tell you that reducing these social stressors will ease the transition for the student. But let’s face facts: You spent the majority of your adolescence living in a place where you couldn’t drink, couldn’t smoke, couldn’t nail chicks and spent most of your time with your like minded friends playing foosball (that’s what the kids are into right, foosball?) So why in the hell would you want to start your college career in the same sad predicament?

Not to mention the fact that these people went through all of their higher education just to end up working at a college.  Listening to them espouse the virtues of collegiate living would be like graduating high school and then thinking it’s a really smart idea when your old P.E. teacher tells you that you should get an apartment together so that he can finally meet all those chicks from his classes.

Your parents probably took out a second mortgage to get you the fuck out of the house so you owe it to them to live it up. They sure as hell partied their asses off in college…and if they tell you otherwise: THEY’RE FUCKING LIARS!!

Also; unless “theme housing” is a dorm sponsored by girls gone wild you’re dooming yourself to another sexless year of your teens. Though the Xbox 360 tournament would probably be epic. Not getting smashed and slovenly touching titties, however, will far eclipse any Call Of Duty pwnage.

Living in a college dorm is very different than any living arrangement you’re ever going to experience and you need to approach it with the right mindset, just like the first time you go to jail.  As such here are a few rules that need to be adhered to while living in the dorms.

Rule 1: Establish Dominance Early
In every relationship there’s a strong one and a weak one. Your goal is to be the strong one.  Walk in to the dorm and make sure that everyone knows who’s in charge by introducing yourself with a firm and swift punch to the cock.  Then you tell that motherfucker that you get top bunk.  Only Bitches sleep on the bottom.

Rule 2: Protect Your Territory
There’s a lot of infighting that occurs when living in the college dorms.  There’s competitions and civil wars amongst floors, pranks played on other rooms and turncoats at every path.  The most important thing to do is to establish that you and your room mate are on the same team. Establish a territory that is easy for you both to protect and enforce your will over.  Draw a line in the sand and any motherfucker that crosses that line gets what’s coming to them.  And by coming to them I mean you wait until they pass out and cover them in sharpie drawn dicks.  And then send the picture to their parents.

Rule 3: Establish Rules and Routines
Living with another person is about compromise and communication.  You’ll need to make sure that everything you do is planned and coordinated with your room mate.  You both need to know each others coming and goings.  This routine will take a little while to establish so here’s some guidelines to get you started.

The Fridge Rule: Whoever takes the last of something replaces it.  There’s nothing more frustrating than coming home at the end of the day, craving  a cold beer a plate of nachos only to find out that not only are you out of beer but the nachos you so desperately needed are nowhere to be found.  Obviously in a case like this your first instinct will be to enact revenge on the nacho munching fuck who took your snacks but if the rules have been established your room mate will be well on their way to the store to procure more munchies.

The Towel On The Door Rule:  Some day you’ll get laid.  It’s gonna happen.  Hell even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.  And you never want your room mate wandering in when you’re high fiving genitals with a confused young lady.  Placing any recognizable object on the handle of your door will alert your room mate to stay the hell out of the room until the appropriate time.  Though in the name of discretion obvious items should not be used.  A sock on the door knob will let all of your asshole neighbors know that you’re boning and they’ll do all that they can to wreck it for you.  If that happens - refer to rule #2.

The Timing Rule: Know your room mates schedule. If you ever wanna abuse your newly found internet access to tune up the old skin flute then you better understand your room mates schedule like a swiss clock maker understand the art of time.  Last thing you want is to be ready to do the no pants dance only to have your room mate interupt your solo act.  And the first time that happens, your chances of needing to use the towel on the door rule will plummet astronomically.

Rule 4: Don’t Cry.
Bitches cry.  And the last time I checked you firmly established, both with your swift cock-punchery and the claiming of the top bunk, that you are no bitch.  And even though you may feel a little homesick at times the worst thing you can do is cry.  As you silently weep yourself to sleep your room mate will be taking notes.  And those notes will be passed around to everyone on your floor.  And like a drunken text message to your ex-girlfriend, once those notes are out there, there’s no getting them back.

Rule 5: Start Your Own Business.
Just like in prison there are certain things that can not readily be found in the college dorm, and you can carve out a niche by being able to supply those commodities.  The most important of which is alcohol.  Alcohol is important for three reasons: It can be found anywhere, it’s not a controlled substance, and everyone knows that when large groups of men and women drink together - everyone gets laid.  Sneaking booze into the dorms is going to require a bit of pinache of subterfuge.  The easiest way is to buy mint flavored alcohol and mix in some green food coloring and place it in a mouthwash bottle.  Not that this hasn’t been seen or done before, I’m just not sure if you’ve seen Toy Soldiers starring Wil Wheaton or not.  And if any of your buyers bitch about getting girly, mint flavored booze; punch ‘em right in the sack.

Rule 6: Don’t Eat In The Dining Hall All The Time Fatty
Everyone complains about gaining the freshman fifteen.  You’re away from home for the first time and you’re unsure as to where or when your next meal is coming but the ever present dining hall is right downstairs and it’s filled to the brim with all you can eat bacon cheeseburgers.  And while a non stop feast of baconators, spray cheese and foods covered in fried gravy is eventually how I’m going to Elvis my way out of this existence, it shouldn’t be how you spend your freshman year in college.  With a coffee pot and microwave in your room, along with a few helpful USB accessories you can create your own healthy meals without ever heading down to the land of lard.  And trust me when I say that by eating some top ramen and skipping a few pancake breakfasts, your first summer spent back at home you’ll be given plenty of opportunities to stare at boobies on the beach.  Instead of your flabby man tits in the mirror.

Rule 7: Learn To Hold Your Liquor
Booze will be pilfered into the dorms, and if you play your cards right you’ll be the Al Capone of the underground college booze set.  But all of your well laid plans can be wrought asunder by one night of haphazardly running through the dorms drunk off your ass and puking in the hall way.  Not only will this ruin your chances of getting hammered in the dorms but you’ll kill the party for the rest of your friends.  And while I’m the last person to try to keep you from running around without your pants on in a drunken stupor I will always advocate discretion in order to keep the party going.  So the first time you decide to blitzkrieg your way down your hall like Amy Winehouse on a three day bender remember, you’re killing the fun for everyone at the carnival and making it worse by raping the clown on your way out the door.

Incidentally, raping a clown possessed by the devil is what brought Amy Winehouse into being.

Rule 8: Plan For The Future
While this may seem a little redundant during your first year of college you should always remember that this is the first of four, or six, or possibly more years of higher education and each year is built upon your successes or failures of the year past.  Your scholastic life will take care of itself but your social life is something that you should safeguard in earnest.  Each year, as you progress through college, your reputation will either build or diminish and this will directly impact your ability to not only go to parties but to also attract the most attractive room mates,  bring in corporate sponsorship and attract amateur pornography to be filmed in your fraternity.  With that in mind here’s a few quick ways to up your social bargaining status.

Bring Hot Chicks To The Party:  If you’re known as the guy who always brings hot chicks to the party you will be invited to more parties and hot chicks will learn that you are their tour guide to debauchery. This bargaining chip can help you land in the luxury single room of a sea side rental house.  And remember; the closer to the beach, the closer to the boobies.

Don’t be a mopey bitch: Emo should go out the window as soon as you leave high school and realize that the only way you’re going to get attention by cutting yourself is to end your life on webcam….only after posting the photo to your myspace, facebook and blog.  So quit sitting in the corner listening to This Mortal Coil’s, “It’ll end in tears” album while you write poetry.  No one thinks you’re deep and artistic, they think you’re a douche, and the only thing that voluntarily hangs out with douches is dirty vaginas. And no one likes hanging out with a dirty vagina.  Methaphorical or otherwise.

Learn Some Simple Magic Tricks:  Sure magic may seem a little bit dorky but most college party goers are easily impressed.  You do a couple of card tricks and make a couple of simple household items disappear and you’ll be eyebrow deep in all of the co-eds you can handle.  Don’t believe me?  Take one quick look at Criss Angel and then start quantifying your envy of his exotic cars, unmitigated fame and super model consorts.

Now that you know how to survive living in the dorms, next we’ll tackle the duplicitous threats of both your scholastic and social lives.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 at 4:22 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.