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This time of year droves of prospective college freshman are preparing to leave the safety of the nest for the uncertainty of college life. And while their parents have done everything they can to prepare their offspring for the scholastic rigors that college can bring they’ve done little to nothing to give them a fighting chance in the collegiate gauntlet their progeny are about to face. Well listen up space monkey’s, because I’m about to drop a metric ton of knowledge on your soft little heads. So instead of heading off to college all doe eyed and stupid, like so much cattle being lead to the slaughter, you’ll be prepared.

As the build up starts toward the first day of school the first thing on your mind is going to be what you’re going to take with you.  Like preparing for an excursion in the Alaskan Tundra you’re going to be tempted to bring every last god damned thing with you when you move away from mom and dad. And though you may get a bit nostalgic over the captain caveman pillow you’ve had since you were six; if you take that to the freshman dorms you’ll be called “Captain Pillow Pants” until you get your doctorate. And even then you’ll be Dr. Pillow Pants; Phd in crying himself to sleep and wetting the bed.

Also: everyone will swear you’re a proctologist.

Space in a college dorm room is as limited as parental supervision at a Michael Jackson sleepover.

As rare as R. Kelly pissing on a high school graduate.

As rare as me seeing Ashton Kutcher on TV and not hoping he gets ass cancer on his face.

That is to say there’s not a lot of it.

With that in mind there’s an essential shopping list for any freshman dorm.

Item One: Febreeze
You are lazy.  When you were living with mommy and daddy you’d let your dirty laundry pile up in your room like some homage to Mezo-American pyramids and you’re telling me that now that you have to cart your laundry down three flights of stairs to some skeazy, David Fincher-esque basement, that you’re going to do your laundry more often?  That’s right; you’re not.  So instead of smelling like a three day old sweat sock that’s been in a deep sea fisherman’s crotch; grab yourself a bottle of febreeze and drench your clothes in it and hang it near an open window with a fan on it.  In that setting the funk should dissipate in about 30 minutes.  This trick, obviously only goes so far. But if you really push it you and your room mate can start playing the game of “Who do girls run away from faster?”

Item Two: A Lock Box
You’re going to have valuables that you’ll want to lock up to keep your room mate and others from getting their hands on. Everything from passports, emergency credit cards, keepsakes and your favorite porn should be under lock and key. If you don’t believe me then it’s not my fault if you come back to your dorm to find your roommate jacking off to your family photo album.

Item Three: Headphones
Since this is probably your first time living in the same space as someone else you’ll want to be courteous when it comes to watching movies and listening to music.  Also your prick room mate might be a snorer and the only way you’ll get a decent nights sleep is to slap on some headphones and doze off to an episode of Southpark or a Batman movie.  That and the headphones will help you keep your secret that the only way you can sleep is to listen to Yanni’s ‘Live At The Acropolis’ as you drift off to dreams of mustachioed Greek men whisking you away on a Mediterranean cruise.  Headphones will hide the secret, the obvious shame on your face, however, will totally give it away.

Item Four: Good computer with great anti virus protection.
Lying to your parents about needing a top of the line computer cause you’ll “totally need it for your homework,” is something every college student does and is completely acceptable; but everyone knows why you really need a computer. With bit torrent sites, streaming music and movies; your computer can be your sole means of entertainment and save you a lot of money. But the most important thing is unfettered access to the gold mine that is the internet.

You’ve been under your parents thumb for years when it comes to internet access. Sure you might have snuck in youporn.com - only to have to clear the cache and history; back up the computer, reformat the hard drive, reload the O.S. And return all the files to their rightful place. Well fret no more Shirley because you are free to roam about the tubes…at your own risk.

The Internet is like Thailand: It’s asshole deep in girls that can shoot a ping pong ball with their pussies…and aids. You’re, metaphorically, a sailor on leave, pockets full of money and in search of the kind of entertainment that only a venue like that can provide. And you should protect your computer as vitally as you would your junk in the midst of Bangkok whorehouse.

Item Five: A Bucket
That’s right a bucket. A big, orange, five gallon, home depot bucket. There is going to be more than occasion in which having a large bucket to carry goods back and forth is going to be advantageous. It’ going to be more handy when you’ve downed thirteen shots of tequila in order to impress some sorority chick which only leads to you laying in bed praying for the room to stop spinning and the bathroom to magically appear. And when it comes time to clean up you simply close the lid on it and chuck it out the window.  Not in your room, not your problem

Item Six: Footwear
You’re not going to want to spend all your time in your tennis shoes and Birkenstocks once you’re done for the day. You’re going to need two kinds of special footwear to make your time in the dorms livable.

The first kind is a pair of slippers. Slippers allow you to wander around the dorms comfortably without everyone looking at your mountain man feet.  I have two pairs of all purpose fuck off slippers. The first pair are my Homer Simpson slippers that I have worn proudly on many a road trip.

My most recent, and far comfiest pair of slippers came from this company courtesy of this guy this way you can still keep a sense of style while providing your feet comfort. Hell I like the slippers so much that I even came up with an advertising campaign for them.

The second kind of footwear you need are shower shoes. The average dorm houses the population of a small Caribbean island and all of these people have to, more than likely, share a grand total of four community shower rooms. And the more uncouth of those jerk off in the very same shower stalls. Not that I’m judging them; it’s probably the only privacy they get. But I’m certain that you don’t want to wade through their abandoned baby batter in order to get the stink off of you. A cheap, two dollar, pair of flip flops can be all that stands between you and a thin coating of DNA

Item Seven: Condoms
There is a rare opportunity that will present itself to you during your first year in college; the opportunity to get laid.  This opportunity will present itself  with few recurrences and the last thing you want to say when a girl is half naked in your bed is, “Oh shit I don’t have any condoms.”  At that point you might as well tell the accepting young lady that you lost your cock in a rousing game of “slam your junk in the elevator door” because that’s how useful your unwrapped member is going to be.  Everyone knows about the social necessities of avoiding STD’s because they can destroy your life.  Especially the most prevalent and destructive of all sexually transmitted diseases: Children.  So in order to increase your chances of getting mutually molested by a confused exchange student; keep some condoms within arms reach of the bed.

Item Eight: Socks and Underwear like a sonuvabitch
Your free cash is going to be sparse during your first year of college and there are two things you ca’t have enough of: socks and underwear.  Just like a first tour in Vietnam; college is going to be confusing, scary, life threatening and full of defending yourself against communists.  And just like wandering through the jungles occupied by the V.C. the most important part of keeping yourself safe and healthy is guarding your feet and your crotch.  As a college freshman you’ll spend an inordinate amount of time walking and this will cause your feet and crotch to develop a smell that is a cross between rotting garbage and a baby’s coffin.  Each of these things will ward off females faster than garlic wards off vampires.  It’s in your best interest to keep, at bare minimum, three weeks worth of socks and underwear at your disposal. Trust me, both your room mate and your sexual prowess will thank me.

Item Nine: Duct Tape

Item Ten: A Pair of Brass Balls.
I’m not talking about those weird Chinese ones that you meditate with.  I’m talking about reaching deep down and growing a sack that you can be proud of.  College is about taking risks and doing things that you’ve never even considered as a possibility.  You need to come out of your shell and experience life and the only way you’re going to do that is to reach down between your legs, grab yourself a handful of adventure and self confidence and get the fuck out into the mix.  If you’re at college for a week and don’t have at least one story that ends with, “And then I woke up without my pants,  in the fountain downtown,” then you’re fuckin’ up and it’s time get out of the house for some blackout drunk good times.

Now that you know the essentials of what to bring to college..next we’ll talk about the rules to living in the dorms.

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