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Since most of you are going to be forced to live in the communal experiment called dorm life, this part of the howtokillpeople.com college freshman survival guide will deal with dorm life.

First things first: The dorms themselves.

There are a number of specialty living arrangements at almost any college that can serve to avoid the unmitigated mess that is the average dorm. The three most common of which are; single sex, chemical and substance free, and specialty of theme housing.

Proponents of higher education will tell you that living in a single sex dorm, where you aren’t subject to the pressures of drinking and smoking, and living with like minded people who share you interests will be a way of alleviating a certain amount of social stresses during your first year of higher education. These same people will also tell you that reducing these social stressors will ease the transition for the student. But let’s face facts: You spent the majority of your adolescence living in a place where you couldn’t drink, couldn’t smoke, couldn’t nail chicks and spent most of your time with your like minded friends playing foosball (that’s what the kids are into right, foosball?) So why in the hell would you want to start your college career in the same sad predicament?

Not to mention the fact that these people went through all of their higher education just to end up working at a college.  Listening to them espouse the virtues of collegiate living would be like graduating high school and then thinking it’s a really smart idea when your old P.E. teacher tells you that you should get an apartment together so that he can finally meet all those chicks from his classes.

Your parents probably took out a second mortgage to get you the fuck out of the house so you owe it to them to live it up. They sure as hell partied their asses off in college…and if they tell you otherwise: THEY’RE FUCKING LIARS!!

Also; unless “theme housing” is a dorm sponsored by girls gone wild you’re dooming yourself to another sexless year of your teens. Though the Xbox 360 tournament would probably be epic. Not getting smashed and slovenly touching titties, however, will far eclipse any Call Of Duty pwnage.

Living in a college dorm is very different than any living arrangement you’re ever going to experience and you need to approach it with the right mindset, just like the first time you go to jail.  As such here are a few rules that need to be adhered to while living in the dorms.

Rule 1: Establish Dominance Early
In every relationship there’s a strong one and a weak one. Your goal is to be the strong one.  Walk in to the dorm and make sure that everyone knows who’s in charge by introducing yourself with a firm and swift punch to the cock.  Then you tell that motherfucker that you get top bunk.  Only Bitches sleep on the bottom.

Rule 2: Protect Your Territory
There’s a lot of infighting that occurs when living in the college dorms.  There’s competitions and civil wars amongst floors, pranks played on other rooms and turncoats at every path.  The most important thing to do is to establish that you and your room mate are on the same team. Establish a territory that is easy for you both to protect and enforce your will over.  Draw a line in the sand and any motherfucker that crosses that line gets what’s coming to them.  And by coming to them I mean you wait until they pass out and cover them in sharpie drawn dicks.  And then send the picture to their parents.

Rule 3: Establish Rules and Routines
Living with another person is about compromise and communication.  You’ll need to make sure that everything you do is planned and coordinated with your room mate.  You both need to know each others coming and goings.  This routine will take a little while to establish so here’s some guidelines to get you started.

The Fridge Rule: Whoever takes the last of something replaces it.  There’s nothing more frustrating than coming home at the end of the day, craving  a cold beer a plate of nachos only to find out that not only are you out of beer but the nachos you so desperately needed are nowhere to be found.  Obviously in a case like this your first instinct will be to enact revenge on the nacho munching fuck who took your snacks but if the rules have been established your room mate will be well on their way to the store to procure more munchies.

The Towel On The Door Rule:  Some day you’ll get laid.  It’s gonna happen.  Hell even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.  And you never want your room mate wandering in when you’re high fiving genitals with a confused young lady.  Placing any recognizable object on the handle of your door will alert your room mate to stay the hell out of the room until the appropriate time.  Though in the name of discretion obvious items should not be used.  A sock on the door knob will let all of your asshole neighbors know that you’re boning and they’ll do all that they can to wreck it for you.  If that happens - refer to rule #2.

The Timing Rule: Know your room mates schedule. If you ever wanna abuse your newly found internet access to tune up the old skin flute then you better understand your room mates schedule like a swiss clock maker understand the art of time.  Last thing you want is to be ready to do the no pants dance only to have your room mate interupt your solo act.  And the first time that happens, your chances of needing to use the towel on the door rule will plummet astronomically.

Rule 4: Don’t Cry.
Bitches cry.  And the last time I checked you firmly established, both with your swift cock-punchery and the claiming of the top bunk, that you are no bitch.  And even though you may feel a little homesick at times the worst thing you can do is cry.  As you silently weep yourself to sleep your room mate will be taking notes.  And those notes will be passed around to everyone on your floor.  And like a drunken text message to your ex-girlfriend, once those notes are out there, there’s no getting them back.

Rule 5: Start Your Own Business.
Just like in prison there are certain things that can not readily be found in the college dorm, and you can carve out a niche by being able to supply those commodities.  The most important of which is alcohol.  Alcohol is important for three reasons: It can be found anywhere, it’s not a controlled substance, and everyone knows that when large groups of men and women drink together - everyone gets laid.  Sneaking booze into the dorms is going to require a bit of pinache of subterfuge.  The easiest way is to buy mint flavored alcohol and mix in some green food coloring and place it in a mouthwash bottle.  Not that this hasn’t been seen or done before, I’m just not sure if you’ve seen Toy Soldiers starring Wil Wheaton or not.  And if any of your buyers bitch about getting girly, mint flavored booze; punch ‘em right in the sack.

Rule 6: Don’t Eat In The Dining Hall All The Time Fatty
Everyone complains about gaining the freshman fifteen.  You’re away from home for the first time and you’re unsure as to where or when your next meal is coming but the ever present dining hall is right downstairs and it’s filled to the brim with all you can eat bacon cheeseburgers.  And while a non stop feast of baconators, spray cheese and foods covered in fried gravy is eventually how I’m going to Elvis my way out of this existence, it shouldn’t be how you spend your freshman year in college.  With a coffee pot and microwave in your room, along with a few helpful USB accessories you can create your own healthy meals without ever heading down to the land of lard.  And trust me when I say that by eating some top ramen and skipping a few pancake breakfasts, your first summer spent back at home you’ll be given plenty of opportunities to stare at boobies on the beach.  Instead of your flabby man tits in the mirror.

Rule 7: Learn To Hold Your Liquor
Booze will be pilfered into the dorms, and if you play your cards right you’ll be the Al Capone of the underground college booze set.  But all of your well laid plans can be wrought asunder by one night of haphazardly running through the dorms drunk off your ass and puking in the hall way.  Not only will this ruin your chances of getting hammered in the dorms but you’ll kill the party for the rest of your friends.  And while I’m the last person to try to keep you from running around without your pants on in a drunken stupor I will always advocate discretion in order to keep the party going.  So the first time you decide to blitzkrieg your way down your hall like Amy Winehouse on a three day bender remember, you’re killing the fun for everyone at the carnival and making it worse by raping the clown on your way out the door.

Incidentally, raping a clown possessed by the devil is what brought Amy Winehouse into being.

Rule 8: Plan For The Future
While this may seem a little redundant during your first year of college you should always remember that this is the first of four, or six, or possibly more years of higher education and each year is built upon your successes or failures of the year past.  Your scholastic life will take care of itself but your social life is something that you should safeguard in earnest.  Each year, as you progress through college, your reputation will either build or diminish and this will directly impact your ability to not only go to parties but to also attract the most attractive room mates,  bring in corporate sponsorship and attract amateur pornography to be filmed in your fraternity.  With that in mind here’s a few quick ways to up your social bargaining status.

Bring Hot Chicks To The Party:  If you’re known as the guy who always brings hot chicks to the party you will be invited to more parties and hot chicks will learn that you are their tour guide to debauchery. This bargaining chip can help you land in the luxury single room of a sea side rental house.  And remember; the closer to the beach, the closer to the boobies.

Don’t be a mopey bitch: Emo should go out the window as soon as you leave high school and realize that the only way you’re going to get attention by cutting yourself is to end your life on webcam….only after posting the photo to your myspace, facebook and blog.  So quit sitting in the corner listening to This Mortal Coil’s, “It’ll end in tears” album while you write poetry.  No one thinks you’re deep and artistic, they think you’re a douche, and the only thing that voluntarily hangs out with douches is dirty vaginas. And no one likes hanging out with a dirty vagina.  Methaphorical or otherwise.

Learn Some Simple Magic Tricks:  Sure magic may seem a little bit dorky but most college party goers are easily impressed.  You do a couple of card tricks and make a couple of simple household items disappear and you’ll be eyebrow deep in all of the co-eds you can handle.  Don’t believe me?  Take one quick look at Criss Angel and then start quantifying your envy of his exotic cars, unmitigated fame and super model consorts.

Now that you know how to survive living in the dorms, next we’ll tackle the duplicitous threats of both your scholastic and social lives.

This time of year droves of prospective college freshman are preparing to leave the safety of the nest for the uncertainty of college life. And while their parents have done everything they can to prepare their offspring for the scholastic rigors that college can bring they’ve done little to nothing to give them a fighting chance in the collegiate gauntlet their progeny are about to face. Well listen up space monkey’s, because I’m about to drop a metric ton of knowledge on your soft little heads. So instead of heading off to college all doe eyed and stupid, like so much cattle being lead to the slaughter, you’ll be prepared.

As the build up starts toward the first day of school the first thing on your mind is going to be what you’re going to take with you.  Like preparing for an excursion in the Alaskan Tundra you’re going to be tempted to bring every last god damned thing with you when you move away from mom and dad. And though you may get a bit nostalgic over the captain caveman pillow you’ve had since you were six; if you take that to the freshman dorms you’ll be called “Captain Pillow Pants” until you get your doctorate. And even then you’ll be Dr. Pillow Pants; Phd in crying himself to sleep and wetting the bed.

Also: everyone will swear you’re a proctologist.

Space in a college dorm room is as limited as parental supervision at a Michael Jackson sleepover.

As rare as R. Kelly pissing on a high school graduate.

As rare as me seeing Ashton Kutcher on TV and not hoping he gets ass cancer on his face.

That is to say there’s not a lot of it.

With that in mind there’s an essential shopping list for any freshman dorm.

Item One: Febreeze
You are lazy.  When you were living with mommy and daddy you’d let your dirty laundry pile up in your room like some homage to Mezo-American pyramids and you’re telling me that now that you have to cart your laundry down three flights of stairs to some skeazy, David Fincher-esque basement, that you’re going to do your laundry more often?  That’s right; you’re not.  So instead of smelling like a three day old sweat sock that’s been in a deep sea fisherman’s crotch; grab yourself a bottle of febreeze and drench your clothes in it and hang it near an open window with a fan on it.  In that setting the funk should dissipate in about 30 minutes.  This trick, obviously only goes so far. But if you really push it you and your room mate can start playing the game of “Who do girls run away from faster?”

Item Two: A Lock Box
You’re going to have valuables that you’ll want to lock up to keep your room mate and others from getting their hands on. Everything from passports, emergency credit cards, keepsakes and your favorite porn should be under lock and key. If you don’t believe me then it’s not my fault if you come back to your dorm to find your roommate jacking off to your family photo album.

Item Three: Headphones
Since this is probably your first time living in the same space as someone else you’ll want to be courteous when it comes to watching movies and listening to music.  Also your prick room mate might be a snorer and the only way you’ll get a decent nights sleep is to slap on some headphones and doze off to an episode of Southpark or a Batman movie.  That and the headphones will help you keep your secret that the only way you can sleep is to listen to Yanni’s ‘Live At The Acropolis’ as you drift off to dreams of mustachioed Greek men whisking you away on a Mediterranean cruise.  Headphones will hide the secret, the obvious shame on your face, however, will totally give it away.

Item Four: Good computer with great anti virus protection.
Lying to your parents about needing a top of the line computer cause you’ll “totally need it for your homework,” is something every college student does and is completely acceptable; but everyone knows why you really need a computer. With bit torrent sites, streaming music and movies; your computer can be your sole means of entertainment and save you a lot of money. But the most important thing is unfettered access to the gold mine that is the internet.

You’ve been under your parents thumb for years when it comes to internet access. Sure you might have snuck in youporn.com - only to have to clear the cache and history; back up the computer, reformat the hard drive, reload the O.S. And return all the files to their rightful place. Well fret no more Shirley because you are free to roam about the tubes…at your own risk.

The Internet is like Thailand: It’s asshole deep in girls that can shoot a ping pong ball with their pussies…and aids. You’re, metaphorically, a sailor on leave, pockets full of money and in search of the kind of entertainment that only a venue like that can provide. And you should protect your computer as vitally as you would your junk in the midst of Bangkok whorehouse.

Item Five: A Bucket
That’s right a bucket. A big, orange, five gallon, home depot bucket. There is going to be more than occasion in which having a large bucket to carry goods back and forth is going to be advantageous. It’ going to be more handy when you’ve downed thirteen shots of tequila in order to impress some sorority chick which only leads to you laying in bed praying for the room to stop spinning and the bathroom to magically appear. And when it comes time to clean up you simply close the lid on it and chuck it out the window.  Not in your room, not your problem

Item Six: Footwear
You’re not going to want to spend all your time in your tennis shoes and Birkenstocks once you’re done for the day. You’re going to need two kinds of special footwear to make your time in the dorms livable.

The first kind is a pair of slippers. Slippers allow you to wander around the dorms comfortably without everyone looking at your mountain man feet.  I have two pairs of all purpose fuck off slippers. The first pair are my Homer Simpson slippers that I have worn proudly on many a road trip.

My most recent, and far comfiest pair of slippers came from this company courtesy of this guy this way you can still keep a sense of style while providing your feet comfort. Hell I like the slippers so much that I even came up with an advertising campaign for them.

The second kind of footwear you need are shower shoes. The average dorm houses the population of a small Caribbean island and all of these people have to, more than likely, share a grand total of four community shower rooms. And the more uncouth of those jerk off in the very same shower stalls. Not that I’m judging them; it’s probably the only privacy they get. But I’m certain that you don’t want to wade through their abandoned baby batter in order to get the stink off of you. A cheap, two dollar, pair of flip flops can be all that stands between you and a thin coating of DNA

Item Seven: Condoms
There is a rare opportunity that will present itself to you during your first year in college; the opportunity to get laid.  This opportunity will present itself  with few recurrences and the last thing you want to say when a girl is half naked in your bed is, “Oh shit I don’t have any condoms.”  At that point you might as well tell the accepting young lady that you lost your cock in a rousing game of “slam your junk in the elevator door” because that’s how useful your unwrapped member is going to be.  Everyone knows about the social necessities of avoiding STD’s because they can destroy your life.  Especially the most prevalent and destructive of all sexually transmitted diseases: Children.  So in order to increase your chances of getting mutually molested by a confused exchange student; keep some condoms within arms reach of the bed.

Item Eight: Socks and Underwear like a sonuvabitch
Your free cash is going to be sparse during your first year of college and there are two things you ca’t have enough of: socks and underwear.  Just like a first tour in Vietnam; college is going to be confusing, scary, life threatening and full of defending yourself against communists.  And just like wandering through the jungles occupied by the V.C. the most important part of keeping yourself safe and healthy is guarding your feet and your crotch.  As a college freshman you’ll spend an inordinate amount of time walking and this will cause your feet and crotch to develop a smell that is a cross between rotting garbage and a baby’s coffin.  Each of these things will ward off females faster than garlic wards off vampires.  It’s in your best interest to keep, at bare minimum, three weeks worth of socks and underwear at your disposal. Trust me, both your room mate and your sexual prowess will thank me.

Item Nine: Duct Tape

Item Ten: A Pair of Brass Balls.
I’m not talking about those weird Chinese ones that you meditate with.  I’m talking about reaching deep down and growing a sack that you can be proud of.  College is about taking risks and doing things that you’ve never even considered as a possibility.  You need to come out of your shell and experience life and the only way you’re going to do that is to reach down between your legs, grab yourself a handful of adventure and self confidence and get the fuck out into the mix.  If you’re at college for a week and don’t have at least one story that ends with, “And then I woke up without my pants,  in the fountain downtown,” then you’re fuckin’ up and it’s time get out of the house for some blackout drunk good times.

Now that you know the essentials of what to bring to college..next we’ll talk about the rules to living in the dorms.