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Environmentalism and environmentalists have officially gone over the brink from innocent idealism to a level of devotion and fervor that can only be judged against the Tom Cruise Scale of Bat Shit Insanity® . Where once a small group of people devoted their spare time to recycling and conservationism; these days every Tom, Dick and Harry has a theory or practice to ensure the survival of mother nature. From Sheryl Crow, to carbon offsets and the greening of the work place, hippie idealism is seeping into mainstream society like shit from a leaky diaper. And nowhere is this concentration of pure shit greater than in those holier-than-thou, crap stain on the pants of society, idiots who buy hybrid cars.

First; I want to say that I understand people who buy Hybrid cars for selfish reasons with no regard to the fucking environment. They live in population centers like Los Angeles and buying a hybrid allows them to take the carpool lane, with only one person in the car, and give the finger to every other commuter. I understand that. I used to live in southern California and if I had to club a baby seal in order to shave an hour off of my daily commute you can bet your sweet ass I’d be researching whether a metal or natural wood baseball bat delivered the coup de grace with more finesse. So to those who bought a hybrid without giving a shit about the environment, good for you.

But why is it that every other self-righteous prick that drives a hybrid thinks that they are single handedly responsible for the salvation of the environment? As if mother nature were Lois Lane and each time these shit sticks fire up their glorified golf cart they’re donning their red and blue super-douche outfit and flying to the rescue. What’s even worse is that the media, other hippies and environmental groups are lauding these arrogant bags of crap as the last salvation of mankind. As if the act of driving a car will end world hunger, stop poverty, bring peace to the middle east and bridge the racial divide once and for all. Well I’ve got news for you taint sniffers: it’s not a cure all, it’s not the final solution and it’s not a band aide for world crisis.

It barely counts as a fucking car.

All it is is a fucking ego stroke from the car companies that allows you to act like even more of an elitist asshole than you did when you bought your first BMW in the 1980s.

First of all your car has about as much chance of saving the environment as Al Gore does in winning a fight with a nun-chuck wielding grizzly bear. Which, by the way, I would totally order on pay per view. It’s a car flapjack! If you want to be a friend to the environment then get a fucking Huffy. No matter what kind of car you drive you’re damaging your precious environment. As a matter of fact; hybrid owners tend to drive more because you cocky buckets of shit think that; since your car gets better gas mileage than mine you can run all over fuck all like it doesn’t damage the ozone layer. While people like me don’t want to pay for gas so we stay home. So which one of us pollutes less? Me, sitting at home in my underwear playing Portal and eating nachos; or you driving your Prius with smug indifference?

That’s right you dick pump…I win again!

Travis – 4,398,256
Dirty Hippies – 0

Not to mention the fact that these cars are built with the structural integrity of a balsa wood airplane. I got into an accident with a hybrid last year. It was a minor fender bender. My car was fine but the Prius that rear-ended me burst into flames. I tried to put out the fire but as I pissed on the flames all those dirty hippies could do was scream and complain. Not a single thank you for my efforts…fucking ingrates.

But the worst thing about these puritanical egomaniacs is simply the fact that they never shut the fuck up.

Remember when the Atkins diet was all the rage and your office was stuffed to the gills with tubs of goo wrapped in polyester who wouldn’t stop proselytizing about their fucking diet? You’d be sitting in your cube, happily munching away on your Quizno’s sub when one of these carb Nazis would waddle their way over to your desk and start berating you about how bad the carbs in your sandwich were. All the while Orca is cramming consecutive fistfuls of gravy soaked ham down their neck. And for one brief moment you actually consider the fact that you’d be an office hero if you managed to drown someone in bbq sauce. Remember that? Hybrid drivers are the new atkins assholes.

The topic of hybrid cars never comes up organically in any conversation. But any chance they get they will bring up their precious new love affair with their matchbox car and how great they are for driving it. They’ll force it into the conversation with all of the grace and civility of a Parkinsons patient giving back alley hand jobs. Something they’re extremely good at but brings them constant shame - we’re looking at you Michael J. Fox. They’ll repeatedly beat you over the head with facts and figures and their smug-as-shit self satisfaction; all the while the subtext of the conversation revolves around how you’re killing the planet for driving your four cylinder Honda Civic. What’s even worse is when these trogladytes get on their political high horse and announce that since they drive a hybrid they’re doing more for the war effort and peace in the Middle East than anyone in a uniform or on the Joint Chiefs of fucking Staff. My wife actually saw a bumper sticker on a Prius that said, “My car gets 40 mpg, my car can save a soldier’s life. Step up people!”

Really? Are you fucking sycophants that delusional? I happen to have a little first hand knowledge of the armed forces – what with two of my best friends having served in active combat zones and one heading back there in a few months – I happen to know a thing or two about what can save a soldier’s life. Here’s a quick graphic I put together after talking to The Dude and Ryan.

Things that can save a soldier’s life

click on that bad boy to see the full sizer

You know what’s not in that picture? Your self righteous fucking car, that’s what.

You’re the kind of people who disappoint your family by planning vacations around going camping. You try to be eco friendly by getting back to nature instead of taking your kids to Disneyland. Do you know what camping is? Pretending to be homeless. Basically, Mother Earth has made you her bitch.

And you wonder why your family hates you.

But I understand your desire to preserve the earth for future generations, I really do. I just think you arrogant knob gobbers are going about it the wrong way. So here are a few suggestions, other than buying a hybrid, that will help mother nature and infuriate the rest of society a little less.

First off, reduce your footprint - cut your foot off.
Fuck it; cut all of your limbs off, right down to the nub, leaving a whole six inches of stumps for you to crawl around on. Once the act of dragging yourself to the bathroom on you rmeaty little stubs becomes an excursion on the scale of Gulliver’s Travels, you’ll think twice about driving to the store on a whim. And all of the gas you’ll save by being carted around by the medi-van or the bus, will allow me to commute to work on a jet ski or in a tank. Completely guilt free.

Secondly: Eat Organic - eat your own shit.
Think of how much waste you generate when you use the toilet.
Water.
Paper.
Nutrients.
It’s just a never-ending cycle of pollution. By eating your own food babies you are eliminating thousands of gallons of wastewater and cubic tons of poop tape. Plus it gives you one more thing to be a dickhead about. Next time someone tells you to Eat Shit you can look at them with indignation and say, “I do.” And they’ll marvel at your enviro-dedication.

image courtesy of Monocle over at cracked.com

Lastly: Eat Your Own Children
Think about it this way; the future is completely unpredictable and out of your hands. You are leaving the environment in the ill-fated possession of your melon-headed offspring and that scares me worse than the idea of putting my dick in the garbage disposal. And it should scare you too. Kids are stupid, and leaving the earth in their under prepared hands is like putting Scott Peterson in charge of a maternity ward. Your kids are going to fuck things up worse than you could ever imagine so the only real solution is to eat them.

It’s a good idea, it’s something that lions have done for eons.

By eliminating future generations, you’re eliminating future waste. All kids do is break things, dirty up your nice house, eat boogers, smear cheese on the walls and buy Hannah Montana cds. And the sooner we end the diabolical reign of terror and noise pollution that bitch puts out, the sooner the world is going to be a better place.

Plus, if you’re kids are anything like you - and they undoubtedly will be - they’re going to be arrogant assholes who think that they know the answers to everything…and I don’t need the competition.