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Having not been seen in public since emergency surgery for his prolapsed rectum in August of 2006; Fidel Castro officially announced his resignation from the office of The Presidency of Cuba earlier this week – through a letter. Yes; the communist scourge of the western hemisphere basically broke up with his country via a note passed through an official state newspaper.

A lot of people are speculating – in conspiracy theory hushed tones – that Castro has actually been dead for some time and that this recent letter was written by his brother in order to officially pass the reigns of power. Well I call bullshit.

First off I need proof that you actually wrote that letter. You’ve run Cuba like a bully child running roughshod through a Chuck E Cheese for the better part of fifty years and we’re expected to believe you’re just going to give up control of the mechanical band without so much as a curtain call? Not very fucking likely.

Secondly your brother looks like a cross between a retarded Muppet and my grandmother.

Are you really going to put this douche bag in charge? I thought not. But now that you’re gone, Fidel, I’ve got six great ideas for improving that little island nation.

#1 We’re going to divide Cuba into four fun filled activity zones; like Disney Land…or Canada.

1. Vice Land
While this name may give you ideas of reenacting scenes from a video game; it’s really meant to be an escapist destination for people who enjoy controlled substances. Booze, gambling, coke, cigars and hookers; it’s all here for you to glut yourself on. Just don’t blame us if you go all tits up and bloated like Elvis.

2. Professor Robert Willoughbees Fun-Time Bounce-o-rama.
There’s nothing finer and filled with more glee than a bouncehouse made for adults. Well in Prof. Willoughbee’s fun time bounce-o-rama everything is made out of bouncehouse material. Streets, floors, buildings…everything is inflated for your protection and enhanced childlike joy.

Fat People: Feel that spring in your step again.

Old People: Fall down as many times as you want without breaking a hip.

Alcoholics: Tired of being called a falling down drunk? How about a falling down and right back up again drunk?

While you’re here be sure to visit trampoline town: twice the bounce at half the cost and always staffed with buxom babes who are more than willing to demonstrate the world class facilities.

3. Cuba’s National Animal Habit and Water Park
It’s really not what you think.

4.The Island of Youth
Located off the southern coast is our special zone for couples with children in tow. Our kid friendly island plays host to some of the finest family activities including snorkeling, water skiing, pool activities and our patented child gulag. You can park those little bastards and go have some real fun while your children learn the value of hard work as they slave away to produce fine souvenir items for our country gift shop.

While you’re here don’t forget to pick up some Castro Cash. Use it to buy food, drinks and souvenirs on the island and any you have left over makes for a great keep sake.

#2 The Cuban Black Market Emporium
Nowhere else in the world can you find a finer variety of contraband items than here in Cuba’s world famous Black Market Emporium. Spend your left over Castro Cash on human organs, automatic weapons, grenades, yellow cake uranium, pilfered military secrets, and a plush Che doll. Because nothing says, “I remember the revolution, but I still support capitalism and a free market,” like a stuffed toy of a Marxist revolutionary.

#3 We’re bringing back freak shows.
You heard me right. Though they’ve been eschewed in polite society we’re not only going to allow freaks to ply their trade but we’ll also give them their own colony here on the island. I personally agree with Doug Stanhope, “I don’t know who decided to end freak shows, but I bet it wasn’t the freaks.” Politically correct society sometime ago determined that it was rude to stare at people with deformities. I guess I can understand…to a point. But when a man covered from head to toe in puzzle piece tattoos is hammering a nail into his nose on a street corner it’s not only rude NOT to stare but it’s considered incredibly gauche not to at least leave a fiver in his tip cup. Freak shows are fun, they’re harmless and they’re uplifting. Five minutes of staring at lobster boy with his weirdo wiggly appendages makes me appreciate some things I take for granted…. like not being called lobster boy and being able to shake people’s hands without someone going ewwwwwww.

But we here down in Cuba are not all about fun and adventure. We understand that the world is in need of academia. That’s why we are proud to announce the opening of

#4 The Cuban Pirate Academy

Have you always dreamed of sailing the high seas in search of adventure, booty and swashbuckling shenanigans? Well the CPA is the world’s only accredited institution of higher learning dedicated to the fine art of piracy. As a student you can major in:
sword play
patch wearing
the art of parrot husbandry
ports of call
rum based cocktails

Also at CPA we’re doing our part to help the environment. In accordance with our state sponsored religion – Pastafarianism – “global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s.” As we are educating a new generation of pirates we are doing more to assist the environment than any company on the face of the earth. Al Gore you can kiss my ass. And parents; you can relax knowing that your son or daughter is staying in our world class dormitories.

#5 Travis World Famous Cuban Products
With the trade embargo lifted we can now export Cuban goods…other than baseball players and people on homemade rafts. I will take advantage of our new economic freedoms and we will begin exporting products that Cuba is famous for.

These two products alone – with their witty slogans and addictive properties – will bring in important American dollars to our economy.

And lastly Cuba needs something to let the world know that it is now open for business. A sign that will draw people to the island. That’s why number six is a new advertising slogan for Cuban Tourism.

All in all I think that I am probably the best thing that has ever happened to Cuba.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 25th, 2008 at 8:04 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.