HowToKillPeople.com|

I can’t listen to the radio, turn on the television or browse for porn these days without being reminded that the shit-hurricane that is the 2008 presidential election is baring down on us like a starving fat kid on a box of Krispy Kreme. Shit I can’t even read pro-wrestling news without hearing about which presidential candidate my favorite rasslers are endorsing.

sadly, this is almost true.

It’s only a few weeks into 2008 and I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about the election. And there’s a good reason for that: the run-up for the ‘08 presidential election started around mid-January of 2005.

As soon as G-Dub put his hand on the swearing-in bible for a second time; politicos started foaming at the mouth, like rabid wolverines, over how they would wrest control of the country out of his hands. This political demagoguery over the past three years has left the voting public feeling over saturated and, quite frankly, fed up and unwilling to listen to anymore election bullshit.

Political-SWAT Teams have taken notice of your apathy and they’re working to fix that. It is understood that in order to drive voters to the polls you have to get people to fill up their brain space with the knowledge that an election is coming. They also want you to understand that voting is not just your constitutional right…but something you need to do if you don’t want your legs broken or your pets sodomized.

Get what I’m saying?

I’m glad you do.

With the current election being so polarized it has been determined that more diverse and drastic measures need to be put in place to increase voter turn out. As such, voter activist groups have come up with a four pronged attack to increase voter turn out that they are calling…

Prong One: The Forked Prong of Voter Awareness.
Voter awareness comes in two different categories: Celebrity Endorsements and Regular Voter Awareness. So I guess technically the graphic should have five prongs.

In previous elections multiple voter awareness campaigns showed up to try to drive voters to their polling places.

P-Diddy told you to vote or die.
MTV Wanted you to rock the vote.
And WWE showed you how to Smackdown your vote.

In the spirit of these previous attempts to popularize the democratic process - including the mildly frightening Bill Clinton saxophone extravaganza - several celebrities have come out of their caves to help convince you to vote.

This strategy employs Mr. Walken’s evil powers to invade your dreams and tear at your soul until you vote.

And of course there are always fringe groups who demand equal time.

I like the fact that in this picture it looks like Tom Cruise is saying, “Good Point Xenu” And Xenu responds, “Word Bitch.”

Of course celebs aren’t the only people who want you to go to the polls. Your neighbors are concerned too. This brings us to the second part of the first prong of the Enlightened Fork Of Doom: Regular Voter Awareness. What do I mean by this? Average citizens who believe in the political process so much that they’ll usher you along the future voter highway.

That’s right I’m talking about assholes with bumper stickers.

It seems like every semi-literate, self absorbed sonofabitch is more than willing to broadcast their political viewpoint on the ass of their Prius. To assist you in fighting them I’ve made a few of my own stickers that you can print out or put on your myspace page or blog. This is an election year after all, and it’s time you started spreading the love.

I feel like anytime I make a joke these days I need to clarify it just in case. I’m not mocking Barack Obama because he’s black. I’m mocking the fact that his name rhymes with a country we are at war in. Similarly if there was a presidential candidate named Koosh I would say fuck that guy because his name sounds like Douche. I hope that clarifies things. If not I can put you in touch with a guy at the ACLU who can explain it with crayon drawings.

Subliminal message: fuck you David Beckham.

Prong Two: Door to Door Canvassing
As the Mormons have proven; the best way to increase your numbers is to go door to door and bug the shit out of people. And everyone seems convinced that the next administration is more important than your eternal soul. Well that’s what the candidates are counting on. They need you to understand that your very soul may be at issue in the coming election. Sadly, in an attempt to create jobs and social awareness most of the candidates have employed the homeless to be their street level public advocates. While their attempts to create jobs is admirable the results are less than stellar because no one wants to take voting advice from someone who smells like piss and looks like a hurricane Katrina victim.

Prong Three: Voter Incentives.
Each year the number of voters who bother to show up at the polls has been dropping. In order to counteract this trend advocacy groups have put incentives in place in each state. Here’s a look at some of the incentives that should be offered in some of the key turning point states.

Nevada - One Free Trip to the brothel of your choice.
Living in Nevada is the only way to ensure your voting experience has a happy ending.

California - Be A Celebrity
Everyone on the west coast hopes that they’ll become a celebrity and as we’ve all seen the easiest way to get famous these days is to release a sex tape. That’s why all California voters will get a turn at the most recent sex-lebrity: Kim Kardashian. Fucking her way into fame worked for her so why shouldn’t it work for you? Each person who votes in the primaries or presidential election will get an all access pass to the fun zones of the latest public fun toy. Condoms will be provided for your safety.

Utah - Eternal Bliss
The state of Utah is obviously backing Mitt Romney in his bid to be the leader of the free world and they are offering something that only a religiously zealous state could: A “Get Out Of Hell Free” card. That’s right the Church of Latter Day Saints is using their bartering power with the almighty to secure your vote on November 2nd.

Ohio - Airfare
If you live in Ohio then you know that you are a vital participant in the final push to the white house. In 2000 and 2004 more money and time was spent in your state, during the final days leading up to the election, than anywhere else. But if you live in Ohio you also know one other truth: Ohio blows goats. That’s why the Poli-SWAT teams have secured funding to purchase every voter a plane ticket to get the fuck out of Ohio and go somewhere fun for a few days following the election.

Prong Four: The Bonus Prong
Presidential Candidate Drinking Games

Every Time a republican mentions Ronald Reagan - Take a shot.

Every time a republican likens themselves to Reagan - Take Two.

Every time a republican mentions the border - shot of tequila

Every time a democrat mentions global warming - ice luge shot of Jaeger

Every time a democrat mentions bringing the troops home - Take a shot

Every time anyone says “Weapons of Mass Destruction” - Have an Irish Car Bomb

Every Time Giuliani mentions 9-11 or the Twin Towers - Pound a beer

Every time Giuliani mentions being the mayor of New York - Shot of whiskey

Every time Hillary mentions being in the White House in prior years - Do a body shot…It’s what Bill would have done.

Following these rules you should be shit-face-plowed after the first debate.

As you can see; political activists are looking to make 2008 the most interesting Presidential Election ever. And quite frankly I’m scared that if, after all the planning that went into the Enlightened Fork Of Doom, you don’t take the time to go out and vote - they’ll come after you and your whole family.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 11th, 2008 at 7:41 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.