HowToKillPeople.com|

I have to start this with an apology: My side of this story has been FAR too long in coming. I had to wait until all of the investigative and punitive measures were completed before I was allowed to respond. I put that limit upon myself so as not to impede any progress of the investigation or its results. Your patience and support has been appreciated.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about; here’s the story:

Before August of this year I inhabited a little known corner of the internet that garnered a moderate amount of attention from a core group of fans and friends. They understood my sense of humor and knew it was all a joke. They knew that the domain name – howtokillpeople.com – was simply a device used to garner attention. There were no directions on killing people and any statements made regarding that topic were tongue in cheek.

But then along came the Contra Costa Times and their heavy handed storm trooper Thomas Peele. He read the title of my site and maybe two or three articles contained therein and took it all at face value. Then he mounted his soap box in the middle of a retardedly slow news cycle and, with a straight face, proclaimed that I was a threat to national security. And the media lapped it up with a fervor normally reserved for high speed police chases and hostage stand offs.

I can’t count how many times Thomas’s story was distributed, retooled, translated and quoted throughout all forms of the media. And each time the story was re-broadcast the news casters would climb higher and higher on their ivory tower of self righteous delusion loudly proclaiming that I was a psychotic hate monger. Suddenly I was the only one in the world who had ever told a dirty joke.

What’s the old saying about he without sin and casting stones?

I’d like to pause here, before we get into the heart of this article to thank the few people who actually took the time to research my site, talk to me and give a fair and balanced look at what was happening. Matthew Yi at the San Francisco Chronicle. Jesse McKinley at the New York Times – being able to say I am on record with the New York Times as not being a fan of Superman is hilarious to me. Chief among these however is R.V. Scheide at the Sacramento News and Review who sat and talked with me for two hours before writing his piece. I’d also like to thank the people who sent me supportive emails during the tsunami of shit that Thomas started.

I’d also like to thank the people who sent me hate mail. Those of you who never read my website and had no idea who I was until you saw the title of my website in your local AP News Wire which prompted you to fire off vehement hate-filled bullshit that clogged my inbox for days. I’ve never seen so much blind hate. I found it refreshing that all of you who wrote to me saying that I am horrible human being and that my statements of comedic violence were disturbing wanted nothing more than horrific violent acts to happen to me. Let me give you a basic outline of how most of the hate mail went:

From: Some Dumb Asshole
To: Travis
Subject: I hope you get raped
I just heard on the news about your website and I have to say I hope you get fucked in the mouth by a gang of rabid howler monkeys. The news people said you promoted mass violence. I’m against mass violence and as such I hope someone beats the shit out of you to show you how bad mass violence is. Please don’t take into account that I never read your site, or anything the news robots quoted, I just want you to go to Iraq, get Aids and fall into a pit of old hypodermic needles. That should teach you that violence is wrong.

Hugs and Kisses
Your eternal fan,
Ignorant Twat Face

And those were the intelligent ones.

What I find amazing is that following Thomas’ article a lot of people read the name of the site and took it at face value without delving any deeper. The problem with that, Tommy Boy, can I call you Tommy-Boy? Good. The problem here Tommy Boy is that if you take the name of the site at face value and read the content without grasping that everything I write is a send-up of popular culture then YOU HAVE MISSED THE POINT. Your assertations have been mistakenly applied across the entirety of the content that I have written. If this is the case and you have completely failed to understand the concept behind satire, then let’s take a look at what you believe to be true.

(…and if you’re new here I’ll link the articles so you can read ‘em.)

The Iphone really can discipline your children, summon sharks and rape your TIVO.

I really think I can grow up to be a robot.

I actually have in my possession the AOL Instant Messenger screen names for famous people,

politicians

and the president.
Famous people enjoy eating shitty food and watching wrestling with me at my house.
I really do have an army of robots hunting down musical acts that I hate.
I really want to be president of the world with an army of ninjas attacking terrorists on Mars.

MARS, motherfucker, ARE YOU SEEING THAT?
I have a white rapper alter ego named Man-Aze.
I am currently marketing a slip n slide that ends in live alligators.

Even taking into account one of the articles you quoted:

I’m currently trying to start my own branch of the government that will go around mercy killing people according a list that I make up.

If you take all of this into account; if you take all of this at face value – as you have suggested – then I am a bigger threat than Al Qaeda, Hitler, Zombies, The Rapture, and Martian Invaders.

And just to save you the time of misquoting me. “Travis, of howtokillpeople.com says he’s a bigger threat than Al Qaeda because his armies of Ninjas and Robots are poised to strike aging musical groups and an uninhabited planet at any minute.”

If you’re that scared then by all means, call the FBI and read them that quote VERBATIM. Do it. I double dog dare you to because I think we all know that the feds will laugh in your hack face. After all, they’ve already got a file on me.

Speaking of misquoting people and taking things out of context I am announcing here and now that I am going to become an investigative reporter myself. I’ve started doing some research on a character that I believe could be a bigger threat to this nation than me. Who is this threat? Thomas Peele.

Let’s look at some examples.

In an article dated 8/20/2007, titled “Squirrel Poisoning Halted”; you wrote about plans for the city of Concord to poison squirrels that they considered a nuisance. But never in that article do you state that you are against the poisoning of small furry animals. From this I can only form the opinion that, since you didn’t take the opportunity to denounce the killing of small furry creatures, that you do in fact endorse it. Were you aware sir that FBI forensic profilers have determined that animal mutilation is an attribute displayed by latent serial killers? Of course this is my opinion but since you didn’t EXPLICITLY say that you don’t want little animals to die I can only assume that you look forward to their cuddly little deaths.

I know what you’re asking, dear readers,

In an article dated 10/28/2007 titled “Governor keeps records hidden from the public” I notice something that, in my opinion, seems rather disturbing: your unhealthy obsession with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. “…it must be time again to write about Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger..” you state at the beginning of the article which leads me to believe that you’ve spent a great deal of time writing about him previously. Are you doing that online fan-fiction stuff that’s popular with the Harry Potter crowd? Hell, in your second sentence you describe “…his legendary biceps…”. Well hello there doctor! Does somebody have a little crush?

I’m going to do you a solid here Tommy-Boy. Though I may not be able to prove that I’m a better investigative reporter than you, I can certainly show that I am a better human being. In neither of the articles above does Thomas Peele actually advocate the mass murder of squirrels nor does he betray the slightest hint of having a man-crush on the Governor. Those were merely examples showing what can happen when you remove someone’s words from their original context and grossly misrepresent them.

Oh wait… I can too prove that I am a better investigative reporter than you are. Check out this shit home skillet:

In your first follow-up article you made so many gross errors that when I read it I pooped. No joke, your investigative abilities were so erroneous it caused me to crap in my pants a little bit.

Your first follow up article garnered very little attention which is why, I can only assume, you dressed up your next article and made it a little more scandalous. In your second article you stated “The website remains active, but the blog that contained entries about how (he) wished he had beaten a woman in Sacramento and how he had once loaded weapons with hollow-point bullets because he had to drive to…Oakland appears to be removed.”

NO IT HASN’T YOU FUCKING MORON. You just didn’t take the time to look past adding more sensationalized phrases in this second article – no doubt in a rush to get it back out to the associated press so that you could see your name in lights again – that you failed to do even a modicum of basic research.

The article about me hating the woman at the capitol is RIGHT HERE JACK ASS.

And the one about going to Oakland with weapons…RIGHT HERE SHIT STICK.

You go on further to state ,”A photo of [him] holding a fake automatic weapon superimposed so it appeared he was pointing at three African Americans on their knees and dressed in tribal garb was apparently removed.”

Wrong again. It’s right here

Though I do like that you admitted, this time, that the gun was fake. Originally you seemed rather concerned that I had gotten my hands on an actual M-4 carbine with an M-203 grenade launcher and gone looking for tribesmen.

Further more did you actually take time to read that blog entry or did you just see black people and assume they were African Americans? In that entry I was speaking about going on my honeymoon in Jamaica and was humorously commenting that the Cannibals on the island of Jamaica weren’t going to ruin my honeymoon.

So you saw black people and assumed they were African-Americans. Nope, they were Jamaicans. I think that technically makes YOU a racist.

Secondly: there is a history of cannibalism on the island.

But seriously, I was going to be staying at a resort. The most I had to fear was the bar running out of rum. But since your sense of humor is lacking I can see why you failed to “get” it.

Do you perform your research on a speak-‘n’-spell?

Quote sources out of a pop-up book?

I have heard a saying that goes something like “a good reporter is only as credible as their sources”. Let’s take a look at some of your “credible sources”.

William Wenger was discharged – albeit honorably – following an investigation that went to the supreme court regarding an incident in which he was involved with strippers. Here’s the case summary in PDF form:Ever since that incident he has apparently been rabidly and irrationally critical of any National Guard General Officer that has been appointed to positions that – no doubt – he feels he should have received.

Frank Schober was a Lieutenant Colonel when he was appointed to the position of a two star general by his former college room mate – then governor Jerry Brown. So he was an O-5 assigned to an O-8 position and earning O-8 pay. Since he was removed from the position of the Office of The Adjutant General the state has passed laws against such favoritism. He was also released from his lead position of the San Francisco OCC (the Office of Citizen Complaints – a city appointed group that was assigned to over see civilian complaints against the San Francisco Police Department) with the assistance of Diane Feinstein. Seems like every big boy job he lands himself in he gets removed from.

I like the fact that you use sources that are as publicly scrutinized (if not more so due to them actually holding a high ranking position as opposed to chauffeuring around high ranking officials) as me. That’s a neat technique. Tell me, which style book did you cull that technique from?

God that’s great. Maybe when I’m done with the two books that I’m working on I’ll write a style book specifically for journalistic hacks like you. Sort of like a color-by-numbers guide to behaving like a hysterical teenage girl.

Tip One: Channel your inner drama queen. Blow everything out of proportion.

Tip Two: Apply an absurd level of scrutiny to things you formerly enjoyed. Remember you’re a journalist now - not a human.

Tip Three: Take everything out of context and misquote people as often as possible. False gravitas makes stories that much better.

Tip Number Four: When attempting to discredit someone – even if they really don’t merit the attention – make sure you round up a motley crew of disgraced former professionals who served in the same career field of the person you are trying to disgrace. If people call you on it then defend your actions with something like the following: “Well the people I asked about this incident were complete fuck ups who got in shit loads more trouble…and they think this guy is bat shit. So it’s got to be worse right?”

Sure it is Tommy Boy. Sure it is.

I think the clearest impression I’ve been left with following this attempt to crucify me - ironically enough for practicing freedom of speech, something that you supposedly hold in high esteem per a footnote on one of your articles that reads “…numerous awards for reporting on first amendment issues…” – is that the words “In my opinion” and “Allegedly” may be two of the most powerful disclaimers in the lexicon of the professional journalist. By using either of those statements you can write ANYTHING without fear of legal action.

I think that’s how your sources were able to say I was a psychopath and a threat because they stated it as an opinion and not as a fact. It’s obviously how you got the story past your editor without a legal team on hand. Thankfully this is a journalistic practice that I can use as well.

It is my OPINION – and that OPINION is based on ABSOLUTELY ZERO FACTS – that Thomas Peele enjoys scat (otherwise known as coprophilia, a sexual fetish involving feces). By being completely overt with it everyone knows I’m lying but it’s still satisfying to say. Everyone knows I’m lying – hell even I’m admitting that it’s all bullshit - but if I say it’s my opinion that Thomas Peele is sexual fetishist with a penchant for playing in shit enough times – people will stop reading your articles.

I’d like to thank you though; you have confirmed everything I thought about the media. I think it’s important for people to question the validity of statements that are made in a public forum – especially when those statements are passed off as a paranoid alarmist call to arms from an attention seeking media whore.

But let’s face facts here, we both know why you wrote the article.

Was it for attention?
Most definitely. Your article about a guy telling dirty jokes has garnered you the most attention you’ve ever received.

Was it out of concern for the public trust?
Fucking doubtful, ass clown, seeing as how even my old employers – and the CHP who showed up at my house to do a threat assessment - have proclaimed I’m officially not a threat.

Was it out of a personal vendetta on behalf of your editor?
Well that is quite possible seeing as how my story had about as much journalistic merit as “Bat-Boy escapes again.” You know you had to do something to make a story about a guy telling dirty jokes on the internet more sensational so you drummed up a frenzy by calling the governor’s office and my boss and started assessing wild accusations based on quotes taken out of context from articles that – even I admit – isn’t my best work. Of course this is only my OPINION. My OPINION however does have some circumstantial evidence.

One of my most popular articles is one titled: Fuck Family Circus. In this article I lampoon Family Circus by taking the captions of the comics out and putting in my own actually funny words. In that article I gave appropriate credit to Bil Keane for creating Family Circus; because it’s legally correct. But figures in the public domain aren’t protected from satire which is why every tv show, radio program and internet asshole can get away with parodying celebrities and politicians. Which is why Comedy Central can get away with its patently offensive portrayal of the President in their show: That’s My Bush.

Sadly, due to the public attention that I have received thanks to your flaming pile of dog shit article I – technically - have become a public figure and as such am not exempt to satire and parody.

I hate irony.

What would make me of the OPINION that you were carrying out a personal vendetta on behalf of your editor Kevin Keane? Why an email I received anonymously from inside the Contra Costa Times – the news paper responsible for bringing to light the story in the first place.

I received that email the day the article broke.

You sir, in my opinion, have broken the cardinal rule of respected journalism: you have betrayed the public trust. You seem to have abused your position in the public eye in what is supposed to be an objective, non-biased medium to take aims and possibly vengeance against a person who’s position in the public light was minimal at best – that is until you came along.

In my OPINION, Tommy Boy, you are the embodiment of all that has gone awry with the media. You manufactured news and then – by holding my former employers hostage (politically and socially) – you made your assertations of supposed impropriety something to be dealt with. This is tantamount to you writing a story about Big Foot being a terrorist and then calling the department of homeland security and demanding to know what they intend to do about this furry purveyor of evil. IT’S NOT AN ACTUAL THREAT! But by demanding that something be done you forced their hand to examine something that would never be in their purview.

Good Job, your false paranoia netted you the results you so desperately desired: your name attached to an AP News story that was spread worldwide. To date I have received supportive emails from America, Canada, Japan, Germany, Mexico, Africa, Chile, Brazil…pretty much everywhere except Antarctica, The Lost City of Atlantis and Santa’s Workshop. And you ALLEGEDLY got the revenge you were looking for. Let’s hope the target of your next Access Hollywood like expose is something worth actual public outcry.

Of course this is all OPINION and CONJECTURE. But just for good measure here’s a few more Family Circus Cartoons to sweeten the deal.

In closing I wanted to say thanks because I didn’t truly realize what kind of fan and friend base I had until your article. I had been home from my honeymoon for about a week when your slanderous article hit and before I knew it people I had never met were rushing to my side. I never truly appreciated how devoted and loyal my friends and fans were before you caused them to all step up to the plate in order to defend me. But that gratitude doesn’t go to you Tommy-Boy; it goes to those of you reading this. To those of you who left comments on websites all over the interweb defending my kinda/sorta good name.

And to those of you who emailed Angelina Jolie to try to get her to be my celebrity spokesperson…I wish that had turned out better.

Travis
the boy’s got a point

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 5th, 2008 at 7:21 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.