HowToKillPeople.com|

To: Claus, Santa (AKA Saint Nick, Santa, the fat annoying guy who is neither Louis Anderson or Drew Carey)

Dear Sir/Quasi Deity,

I am writing to you on behalf of my client Travis - asshole proprietor of howtokillpeople.com - in regards to your failure to complete your verbal contract of Christmas of 2005. In exchange for my client’s renewed faith in your mystical powers you were to deliver one (1) Giant robot death machine including giant missile firing robot penis. (please refer to diagram below and click for larger version).

Sir your failure to comply with your end of the deal has caused my client to reconsider his desire to overlook your felonious and morally questionable business acumen. In short, sir, you have left yourself exposed to the glaring light of public scrutiny.

However my client is not a person without reason and decency. He understands that you maintain a multinational conglomerate that employs a normally underutilized segment of the population and as such you do perform a beneficial service. In order for my client to “overlook” your dubious nature he has made a new list of demands for you to complete. While you may call this blackmail my client considers this to be aggressive negotiations that can benefit all parties.

The list that follows has been written by my client and it is our belief that through his own words you will see his earnest, and eager, desire to resolve this matter.

Item One: The Batmobile
I got into an accident last week and even though everything has turned out okay, and my car is being fixed, the rental sucks. Not only do I feel less safe in the rental than I did in my car immediately following the accident the rental lacks a few aesthetics.

First off the Ford Fusion, though a relatively decent commuter car, has no external armaments; either defensive or offensive. They say that if you fall off the horse your best bet is to get back on. Well I would feel a lot better getting back on the “Horse” if that “horse” was covered in armor that would handle a 50mm titanium jacketed shell. It would also make me feel more comfortable if that “horse” had gatlin guns on the front fenders. Why involve insurance companies? The next time I feel that I am about to get into an accident I can dump three thousand rounds of non-frangible ammo into traffic. Also, the Batmobile has an adapter for my Ipod and Cup Holders - both of which are essential for the modern commuter.

Item Two: The Renewal of the following television programs.
Silverhawks
Acapulco Heat
T.J. Hooker
Alf
The Muppet Show

Item Three: The Ability To Grow Facial Hair.
Sadly my lot in life has been one cursed with the inability to grow facial hair. Can you imagine how hard that is? Neither sideburns, nor mustache, nor goatee, nor soul patch shall grace my face. It’s a very sad state of affairs really because I’ve always wanted to grow a Triple H/James Hetfield Handle Bar Stache of Doom. Truly that is the source of their powers.

Item Four: Adult Sized Feety Pajamas
Some of my fondest memories are of being child. And while most people would attribute those fond memories to being young and without worry; I attribute it to having clothing that covered me from head to toe. I felt sort of like a teddy bear and who doesn’t love teddy bears? I’ll tell you who: communists and terrorists. Well I, sir, am no fucking terrorist. Though I will preface this by saying you do not necessarily have to get me PJs with a buttflap. That’s the luxury model. And I’m already luxurious.

Item Five: Megan Fox
I don’t want to do anything sexual with her. I’m just hoping to mentor her along the righteous path- unlike my unsuccessful attempts with The Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love and Nick Nolte

Item Six: A Third Nipple That Magically Produces Single Barrel Scotch.
Don’t you judge me you fat bastard. You sneak into children’s homes and subsist on a diet of candy and cookies. If you didn’t have magical powers you’d have lost a foot to diabetes by now. Seriously though, that nipple thing, that would totally save me a shit load of cash and trips to BevMo.

Item Seven: The Slot Car Set Mentioned In Previous Letters.
Time to pay up dude.

Item Eight: A Scorpion Gun
I’ve been thinking about starting my own business for some time now and I think I finally created a product that everyone can get behind. This is a product that can be marketed to home owners, defense contractors, private security firms, public school teachers, the elderly and priests.

The Radioactive Scorpion Gun is based on a 40mm grenade launcher - except for the fact that it launches irradiated scorpions. I know what you’re thinking: “Who in the pancake eating shit is going to shoot radioactive scorpions at someone instead of using a regular gun?” Well the Radioactive Scorpion Gun - known as the RSG5 in law enforcement circles - allows you to employ possibly non-lethal force against a perpetrator instead of using deadly force. Not to mention the intimidation factor of having a FUCKING SCORPION FIRED AT YOU!!!!

As you can see Mr. Claus, my client is very serious about retribution for your breach of contract. Upon completion of this list of demands we will forget all about this whole pedophilia-breaking-and-entering enterprise you’ve embarked upon.

Very Respectfully
Dr. Reginald J. Skullington Esq.
Attorney at Law

PS- this is the only you’re getting Rudolph back alive.

additional note for asshole “journalists” - the reindeer is fake.

Office politics are a son-of-a-bitch but around the holidays “Office Politics” turn into “Office Cancer” once gift giving gets involved. Who do you buy gifts for? What do you buy them? How much do you spend? I know that gift giving can advance you career and I wouldn’t want to send you running headlong into oblivion; so I proudly bring to you the howtokillpeople.com Holiday Office Gift Giving Guide…for men.

Now it’s important to consider not only whom you are buying gifts for but also what you’d like to accomplish with your festively appropriate ass kissing. You also need to consider the social implications of whom you buy gifts for. You want to make sure that you spread enough holiday glee to cover all of your bases without going overboard. The old lady in the records department who routinely smells like salami and spends most of her day bitching about the personalities of her various housecats doesn’t need a gift because she’s dead inside; and people who don’t have souls don’t get gifts.

Before we move into gift giving let’s cover a few Dos and Don’ts:

DO: Wrap your gifts before hand. Presentation is important.
Don’t :wrap it pretty and professional looking.

If our package looks like that then you should hang your head for you are not a man. Proper wrapping material for men consists of Duct Tape, twine, paper bags, news paper, toilet paper or bacon. Your gift should look something like the picture below

Do: Dress festively
Don’t: Dress like anything Christmas related. Santa, elves and Rudolph are all passé. Bring an element of surprise and ass kicking to the holiday party. Who would you rather get a gift from: Santa or Godzilla?

Do: Bring the festive feeling of the holidays with you on your gift giving rounds.
Don’t: Sing, dance, make claymation, write poetry, put on a musical, make fake snow, sew, darn stockings…I suggest you get steaming drunk and spout dirty limericks about the filthy things that Santa and Rudolph do in private.

Do: Address your gifts appropriately.
To: The Boss
From: Captain Awesome
To: The Bosses Secretary
From: Long Dong Silver
To: My Co-Worker
From: Joe Kickass
Don’t: Use your real name just in case anything goes to litigation.

Now that you understand some basic etiquette let’s move on to the gift giving.

There’s a social strata that is highly prevalent in any office environment and it’s something you need to be cognisant of when handing out merriment. Generally speaking there are four tiers in any office:

Below Me
Even With Me
Above Me
Chicks I Want To Nail

Each tier of co-worker requires a delicate amount of finesse and intersocial interaction. Each tier is to be examined according to one mitigating factor: What do you hope to accomplish?

Let’s take a look.

The mail man has a tirelessly mundane job that gives them ample opportunity to let their mind wander into delusional fantasies of mutilation, mass violence and wanton experiments of ID theft using the anonymity of the internet.
What you Hope to Accomplish: You want to make sure the mail man understands that you are a decent human being whose death will bring sadness to the world at large. You also want them to gloss over the fact that you have your porno subscriptions delivered to the office.
Wrong Gift: Anything purchased from Guns & Ammo or Modern Mercenary
Right Gift: A lifetime subscriptions to importedrussianbrides.com

He’s the man who gives the hairy eyeball to you as you come and go everyday. He’s also the guy that makes horrible jokes about giving body cavity searches to all of the hot chicks. Oh sure they act like he’s kidding but when he goes home at the end of the night he’s an avid contributor to alt.stateworker.fanficsex
What You Hope To Accomplish: The security guard is the gate keeper of the office. You want him on your side when you turn the company bulletin board into a subversive drug ring. The less time you spend at the x-ray machine the better.
The Wrong Gift: Anything that reminds them that they didn’t make the police force and that berating work-a-day drones is the closest they’ll get to having any sort of real authority.
The Right Gift: Anything that makes them feel in the same league wit Dog the Bounty Hunter: a man of slight stature who overcompensates with too much tactical gear. I’d go with an air tazer.

This person tirelessly cleans up after everyone in the office and makes everyone seem like less of a slob. It’s kind of like having your mother at work with you.

What You Hope To Accomplish: The Janitor needs to know that they are a valued member of the work force. Their contribution to the office is important and a necessary component of the work place puzzle. Plus they might find those bottles of gin in the trash can; and the less they talk the better.
Wrong Gift: Anything from the Molly Maid catalogue.
Right Gift: Cold hard cash to ensure they keep your dirty dirty secrets.

While normally ignored by most of your office compatriots the human resources lady contains super powers when it comes to your workplace benefits. She can provide extra days off, comp time and occasionally slip a little bit extra into the monthly paycheck.
What you hope to accomplish: You need her on your side when you decide to flake out of work for a month to follow your dream of being a Blue Man or Interpretive dancer at a Club-Med resort. You also want her to keep your medical benefits a secret when your HMO starts paying more for “elective surgery” - read “Wang Elongation”
Wrong Gift: Anything for her desk. I don’t care how neat the folks at Brookstone said it was; she does not need a desktop Zen garden, a water fall, or a micro-sized dart board. She hates her desk and anything that attempts to make it a cheerier place makes her die on the inside.
Right Gift: Little chocolates filled with liquor that she can hide in her desk. She hates everyone she works with and she never listens to her doctor so allowing her to self medicate in this fashion will make you her hero. Her hero who will soon have a much longer wang.

She sits in the anteroom to the big bosses office and spends a good deal of her day planning the boss’s schedule, trips and covert masseuse appointments. Her typing acumen is on par with her ability to use her Jessica Rabbit like breathy voice to get anything she wants. She is the corporate equivalent of a siren out on the open ocean.

What You Hope To Accomplish: Playing duck, duck, here comes my penis with her face and/or other parts. And maybe the parts of her adventurous college room mate.
Wrong Gift: Anything that overtly expresses your desire to make the beast with two backs on her best friend’s sofa.
Right Gift: Jewelry, exotic sports cars, a promise to give her a kidney once hers fails due to Jaeger Overdose. Pretty much anything that will that will secure your place among the pantheon of men who have stormed her panties.

If the work environment were an ancient ciilization he woud be Caesar and you would be a surf who sleeps in the streets and fights – to the death – for his amusement.
What You Hope To Accomplish: You need to prove to your boss that you are a valuable member of the team while simultaneously proving that you would be destitute without this job and a promotion. You want to ensure that your boss both appreciates and pities you.
Wrong Gift: Anything that costs money. If you’re brash enough to throw cash at your boss then he – or she – is going to think that you make too much money and that your are over valued. Everyone is going to try to bribe and cajole the big boss into thinking that they are the bees knees of the office environment. That’s a group that you want to avoid being a part of.
Right Gift: Something home made. Maybe a macaroni picture of you and your boss. Trace your hand and make a holiday turkey picture to show that you are in touch with both the past and the present of the holiday spirit. You could also stop by the local bead shop and make your boss a friendship bracelet. Friendship bracelets say two things “I’m willing to dedicate personal time to your happiness” and “I’m too poor to buy you something from the gas station”. And make sure you wrap it in a Safeway grocery bag so that your boss knows you don’t even have the extra cash to spring for fancy paper.

Now that you are fully educated about the ins and outs of the office gift giving go ahead and start your gift list because the sooner you accomplish this task the sooner you’ll have holiday time to drink yourself into a Santa induced stupor before your relatives show up.

Happy Holidays.

Travis
www.howtokillpeople.com

back to how much I love robots