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Time.com - the website for some uppity print rag - has been making a super huge big deal about their “Time Magazine Person of the Year” award. Apparently having a national magazine with a 60+ year run gives you the ability to self publicize your little events. Well there’s something that Time Magazine seems to have overlooked: The Howtokillpeople.com person of the year.

That’s right we’re running our own person of the year contest and fuck Time Magazine. Here are the rules: each person nominated below has to have made international news, have affected our lives and replaced a previous media icon in their own category.

J.K. Rowling

Pros: The ultimate rags to riches story she made billions capturing the imagination, and dollars, of billions by writing a tale of a boy wizard that enchanted a generation.

Cons: Talk about dragging a story out. Seventeen fucking years to come to the conclusion of your serial novel? And the post script to Deathly Hallows kills the idea of any future novels…thanks a lot.

Replaces: George Lucas for dragging out a story longer than it ever should have.

The Beckhams

Pros: I don’t think that paying attention to soccer counts as a pro but it’s something right? And there’s always the hope that Posh will appear in playboy or on the internet.

Cons: Became BFFs with the prophet of our alien overlord - Tom Cruise.

Replaces: The Spice Girls for a British invasion of untalented hacks.

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Chris Benoit

Pros: He broke through the glass ceiling of superhero sized wrestlers to win the world heavyweight championship at Wrestlemania 20. He was welcomed into his Canadian hometown as a hero and they even made a Chris Benoit day in his honor.

Cons: Killed his family in a head trauma induced rage that left the world baffled and left most of professional wrestling with it’s collective shriveled steroid balls flapping in the breeze.

Replaces: Hulk Hogan in the category of pro-wrestlers who abuse their family.

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O.J. Simpson

Pros: Everyone figured that watching OJ search for the real killer on golf courses across the country was the last we’d see of the juice. But his book and his criminal activity in trying to regain some of his sports memorabilia showed us all that OJ’s still got some juice left in him.

Cons: Having the family of his murdered wife publish his hypothetical tell-all book and robbing a room full of sports memorabilia salesman puts a couple of strikes against him.

Replaces: Oddly enough, himself. The only thing that would have brought back the nineties more is if the zombie of Kurt Cobain rose from the grave and took Nirvana out on tour again.

Jenna Jameson

Pros: revolutionized the female porn starlet title in the adult film industry while making her a household name.

Cons: Quit Porn, put her tits through the incredible shrinking machine and patterned her new body style after Olive Oil on a three day crack bender.

Replaces: Lindsay Lohan (in rehab), Nicole Ritchie (pregnant and looking like a human for once), Paris Hilton (also no longer fucking people on camera).

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Ron Paul

Pros: Proved that a presidential candidate can go straight to the people with their ideas and fundraising by his ground breaking November 5th fund raiser.

Cons: Gave hope to every cam whore who has a blog, a web-cam, and a pay-pal button.

Replaces: Howard Dean. But without all of that insane shouting at the crowd thing. <- I think you should be required to watch that video before voting.

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Dane Cook.

Pros: Proved that being a Myspace friend whore can lead to international stardom.

Cons: Paved the way for other worthless Myspace whores like Christine Dolce, Tila Tequila and Jeffrey Star to invade my living room like locusts.

Replaces: Carlos Mencia in the category of overpaid unfunny “supposed comedians”. Except Dane Cook didn’t get his shit handed to him live onstage by Joe Rogan. But I’d pay a years salary to watch Joe Rogan choke the life out of him in a UFC ring.

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Britney Spears

Pros: Um… she used to be hot.

Cons: I could dedicate an entire article to why Britney Spears is a waste of fame, money and adoration.

Replaces: Michael Jackson and Courtney Love in the category of Pop-Stars who abuse their children. Sure she’s not dangling her children off of a balcony or shooting heroin while her kid comes to the early realization as to why her father killed himself … but drunk driving with little junior sonuvabitch doing cartwheels through her Lexus is a good start.

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Though after all of those candidates I think I may have found the ideal candidate for the howtokillpeople.com person of the year.

Me.

Pros: Standing at 6′3″ I’m closer to seven feet tall than I am to four feet; so you could say I have a good chance of being the tallest midget you’re ever going to meet. On dark nights I can shoot lasers out of my eyes to defend myself against vampire, ghouls and robots. Having laser eyes also makes it easier to quick cook hot pockets in a snacking emergency. I have a voice that brushes against your skin like a stripper covered in velvet. And I have dance moves that are so potent that I can bring a woman’s panties to the floor from fifty paces…without even busting a single move. That’s right I can stand still and women’s panties fall to the floor just by looking at me. I’ve been the interspecies wrestling champion for three years. I won the title by fighting both an alligator and big foot in a barbed wire steel cage match. The Pope attended the match and sat in the front row.

Cons: I’m too sexy to go out in public without being mobbed by playboy centerfolds. Ninjas are always challenging me to a duel to the death - and killing all of those ninjas interferes with my social agenda. I was once forced to concede a sexier man contest to Burt Reynolds; but had I known he was going to be in the competition I never would have entered.

Replaces: Shit, I don’t know. Every interview I’ve read with Maddox and Tucker Max was written in the context of understanding the certain niche that they occupy. No one ever tried to make them out to be threats to national security or psychopaths. So I guess I’ll say that I replace Smokey from Smokey and the Bandit as the most ass-kickingest man (sans mustache) to drive like a mad man and make the girls swoon. But the girls who swoon at my presence and driving skills attract chicks WAAAAY hotter than Sally Field.

If you’d like to vote please place our vote in the comments. If you’d like to nominate someone for person of the year…also put it in the comments.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 22nd, 2007 at 8:33 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.