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Time.com - the website for some uppity print rag - has been making a super huge big deal about their “Time Magazine Person of the Year” award. Apparently having a national magazine with a 60+ year run gives you the ability to self publicize your little events. Well there’s something that Time Magazine seems to have overlooked: The Howtokillpeople.com person of the year.

That’s right we’re running our own person of the year contest and fuck Time Magazine. Here are the rules: each person nominated below has to have made international news, have affected our lives and replaced a previous media icon in their own category.

J.K. Rowling

Pros: The ultimate rags to riches story she made billions capturing the imagination, and dollars, of billions by writing a tale of a boy wizard that enchanted a generation.

Cons: Talk about dragging a story out. Seventeen fucking years to come to the conclusion of your serial novel? And the post script to Deathly Hallows kills the idea of any future novels…thanks a lot.

Replaces: George Lucas for dragging out a story longer than it ever should have.

The Beckhams

Pros: I don’t think that paying attention to soccer counts as a pro but it’s something right? And there’s always the hope that Posh will appear in playboy or on the internet.

Cons: Became BFFs with the prophet of our alien overlord - Tom Cruise.

Replaces: The Spice Girls for a British invasion of untalented hacks.

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Chris Benoit

Pros: He broke through the glass ceiling of superhero sized wrestlers to win the world heavyweight championship at Wrestlemania 20. He was welcomed into his Canadian hometown as a hero and they even made a Chris Benoit day in his honor.

Cons: Killed his family in a head trauma induced rage that left the world baffled and left most of professional wrestling with it’s collective shriveled steroid balls flapping in the breeze.

Replaces: Hulk Hogan in the category of pro-wrestlers who abuse their family.

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O.J. Simpson

Pros: Everyone figured that watching OJ search for the real killer on golf courses across the country was the last we’d see of the juice. But his book and his criminal activity in trying to regain some of his sports memorabilia showed us all that OJ’s still got some juice left in him.

Cons: Having the family of his murdered wife publish his hypothetical tell-all book and robbing a room full of sports memorabilia salesman puts a couple of strikes against him.

Replaces: Oddly enough, himself. The only thing that would have brought back the nineties more is if the zombie of Kurt Cobain rose from the grave and took Nirvana out on tour again.

Jenna Jameson

Pros: revolutionized the female porn starlet title in the adult film industry while making her a household name.

Cons: Quit Porn, put her tits through the incredible shrinking machine and patterned her new body style after Olive Oil on a three day crack bender.

Replaces: Lindsay Lohan (in rehab), Nicole Ritchie (pregnant and looking like a human for once), Paris Hilton (also no longer fucking people on camera).

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Ron Paul

Pros: Proved that a presidential candidate can go straight to the people with their ideas and fundraising by his ground breaking November 5th fund raiser.

Cons: Gave hope to every cam whore who has a blog, a web-cam, and a pay-pal button.

Replaces: Howard Dean. But without all of that insane shouting at the crowd thing. <- I think you should be required to watch that video before voting.

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Dane Cook.

Pros: Proved that being a Myspace friend whore can lead to international stardom.

Cons: Paved the way for other worthless Myspace whores like Christine Dolce, Tila Tequila and Jeffrey Star to invade my living room like locusts.

Replaces: Carlos Mencia in the category of overpaid unfunny “supposed comedians”. Except Dane Cook didn’t get his shit handed to him live onstage by Joe Rogan. But I’d pay a years salary to watch Joe Rogan choke the life out of him in a UFC ring.

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Britney Spears

Pros: Um… she used to be hot.

Cons: I could dedicate an entire article to why Britney Spears is a waste of fame, money and adoration.

Replaces: Michael Jackson and Courtney Love in the category of Pop-Stars who abuse their children. Sure she’s not dangling her children off of a balcony or shooting heroin while her kid comes to the early realization as to why her father killed himself … but drunk driving with little junior sonuvabitch doing cartwheels through her Lexus is a good start.

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Though after all of those candidates I think I may have found the ideal candidate for the howtokillpeople.com person of the year.

Me.

Pros: Standing at 6′3″ I’m closer to seven feet tall than I am to four feet; so you could say I have a good chance of being the tallest midget you’re ever going to meet. On dark nights I can shoot lasers out of my eyes to defend myself against vampire, ghouls and robots. Having laser eyes also makes it easier to quick cook hot pockets in a snacking emergency. I have a voice that brushes against your skin like a stripper covered in velvet. And I have dance moves that are so potent that I can bring a woman’s panties to the floor from fifty paces…without even busting a single move. That’s right I can stand still and women’s panties fall to the floor just by looking at me. I’ve been the interspecies wrestling champion for three years. I won the title by fighting both an alligator and big foot in a barbed wire steel cage match. The Pope attended the match and sat in the front row.

Cons: I’m too sexy to go out in public without being mobbed by playboy centerfolds. Ninjas are always challenging me to a duel to the death - and killing all of those ninjas interferes with my social agenda. I was once forced to concede a sexier man contest to Burt Reynolds; but had I known he was going to be in the competition I never would have entered.

Replaces: Shit, I don’t know. Every interview I’ve read with Maddox and Tucker Max was written in the context of understanding the certain niche that they occupy. No one ever tried to make them out to be threats to national security or psychopaths. So I guess I’ll say that I replace Smokey from Smokey and the Bandit as the most ass-kickingest man (sans mustache) to drive like a mad man and make the girls swoon. But the girls who swoon at my presence and driving skills attract chicks WAAAAY hotter than Sally Field.

If you’d like to vote please place our vote in the comments. If you’d like to nominate someone for person of the year…also put it in the comments.

People need role models. In times of crisis, or during adversarial moments you need someone to look up to. Let’s say; for example – that a nut sack of a reporter unearths your previously obscure website, misquotes the content making you look like a psychopath…which turns you into an instantaneous pariah with friends, family and co-workers – of course that example is hypothetical and any relation to actual events is purely coincidental. But if something horrendously fucked up like that happened one would need a guiding light to look up to. Fortunately for me I have found a role model in John McClane. That’s right I’ve adopted the fictional New York detective from the Die Hard series as my personal touchstone because:

#1 There’s no problem that can’t be solved with sufficient firepower:
Problem = Monsters, pokemon, robots, ninjas, girl scouts, Mormons, traffic jams, overdone eggs, low blood sugars, power outages, cripples, power rangers, pandas, plague, famine, pestilence, clowns, diarrhea, premature ejaculation, third nipples, bad credit, high interest rates, Vikings…the list goes on.

Solution

For those of you out there that can’t take a joke this is called being tongue in cheek.
For the rest of this article anytime I say something that could be
misconstrued by those without a sense of humor I will add a
disclaimer over here on the right hand side. That being said:
It is wrong to see the list above as a list of possible threats.
Pokemon, Power Rangers and Pandas make children
happy and shouldn’t be shot with handguns. The rest of the list
can be seen as possible life altering inconveniences and also
shouldn’t be brought down with the ever popular hand gun.
As far as Robots are concerned…it’s gonna take a whole lot more
than a sissy little handgun to stop a robot - dipshit.

#2 Diversity can save your life.
Before I saw the light of the teachings of John McClane, I used to adhere to the motto of Stone Cold Steve Austin: Don’t Trust Anyone. But John McClane showed me the error of my ways. For The Great McClane – though he may put boot to ass all on his own – has taught me that no one truly goes it alone. We learn this lesson through the five apostles of McClane.

• In the first testament of McClane, we learn that Carl Winslow – a Chicago cop who is magically transported to Los Angeles – can be a great asset in bridging the gap between a lone hero and the authority figures. Not to mention the fact that in a last second life or death plot twist ending, he takes up arms to save McClane’s life.

• Again, the first testament shows us that fighting alone will not always save the day. It also shows us that black-on-black violence is acceptable as long as the greater good wins out. This is proven when Argyle the Chauffeur runs his limo in to Theo the Hacker’s get-away van, thus preventing the bad guys from fleeing.

• In the Second testament of McClane - Die Harder – we learn that Carl again plays an integral role. Shedding his retarded family and annoying neighbor in Chicago once more, Carl arrives in Los Angeles just in time to identify a terrorist trying to bring McClane down. But the Apostle Winslow was not alone. McClane was also aided by the righteous “Creepy Janitor” who assists McClane in killing terrorists by providing critical information on the infrastructure of the DC Airport. I imagine this guy is a cross between Slingblade and a Palm Pilot.

• In the Third Testament of McClane – With a Vengeance – we encounter a Job-like Samuel L. Jackson who sacrifices financial gain and personal well being to assist McClane in bringing down another member of the Infamous Gruber Clan – well hello there irony; how are you doing?

• In the Final Testament of McClane – Live Free or Die Hard – that funny kid from the Mac commercials plays super geek Yin to McClane’s old school Yang. The Mac kid hacks computers while McClane goes mid-fucking-evil on a technological wunderkind’s hired assassins. The only unanswered question in this testament is how the geeky kid got the time off from that restaurant where he waits table with a chiseled Ryan Reynolds? Seriously, how is he taking all that time off without pissing off his boss? I can understand overlooking the penis showing game but no calling and no showing in order to gallivant around the country with some cop? You’re fucking fired geeky kid.

black on black violence is wrong
actors aren’t good replacements for biblical figures
not all airport janitors are creepy
blowing up planes is wrong
Carl Winslow actually killed Steve Urkel.
Even though the guy who played Eddie
Winslow was the voice of Jazz in the
Transformers movie he’s still a douche.
Samuel L Jackson can kill you without breaking a sweat.
The restaurant in the movie Waiting isn’t real.
Ryan Reynolds has abs you could wash your clothes on.

#3 – Think before you shoot but shoot before you’re shot.
Keeping a cool head in moments of crisis is one of the greatest traits McClane can teach us. In adverse situations, it is imperative to maintain a reasonable mental state. Of course, in the pursuit of defending Truth, Justice, and The American Way, it may become necessary to stride boldly into the heart of the lion’s den and proclaim your intention of killing every motherfucker in the place. Whether that be by dropping someone off of a building, blowing up their plane, electrocuting their helicopter or shooting through your own body – just to prove that you’re better than they are.

It is wrong to kill every motherfucker
in the place without just cause. But
shooting through your own body to kill
someone is absolutely BAD ASS!!

#4 – Sometimes you just have to hit a bitch with a car.
It’s not fancy and it lacks a certain panache but it gets the fucking job done.

It is wrong to hit a bitch with a car.
No matter how efficient it may be.
Or how much she might actually deserve it.

#5 – To thine own self be true; no matter the consequences.
Your parents always told you that the best thing to do is to be yourself. Of course they weren’t counting you encountering terrorists, ex-militia, government malcontents or their ninja girlfriends. But McClane reinforces what your parents taught you. In every instance McClane could have simply given up, rolled over and probably put himself through less pain and suffering, but that’s not how John McClane rolls. He knows right from wrong, good from bad, and John McClane doesn’t back down from anyone – except that one time when he was challenged to a pie eating contest by Rosie O’Donnell. Sure you could stop fighting injustice, shut down your website and let the terrorists win, but that’s not what John McClane would do so it’s time to man the fuck up, go head long into the breach, and face your fears…it’s what McClane would do.

It’s not right to make fun of fat people.
Rosie O’Donnell can’t help being an over
bearing cunt - she’s got a glandular problem.
But fuck terrorists.

No seriously; fuck those guys.
They can burn in hell.

So the next time you find yourself in a tense situation or you’re thinking about throwing in the towel; take a moment, light up a smoke, reload your gun and ask yourself, “What Would John McClane Do?” And you’ll find that your best answer is to start kicking ass until there is no more ass left to kick.