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If some of my fondest childhood memories hooked up with John Woo after a drunken sorority party and that liquor soaked roust produced a baby – which in actuality is a film – that was then adopted by the gay pairing of Stephen Spielberg and Michael Bay that would probably explain how the newest Transformers Movie came into being. Movies of this caliber are not made in Hollywood back lots; they are birthed, cosmically, by a benevolent god who understands that an entire movie about robots that kick ass is probably the closest most of us mere mortals will ever come to feeling a touch of the divine.

A friend of mine said that the best way to make a movie is to just make awesome shit happen all of the time. Apparently when he said this Michael Bay was listening because that’s exactly what he did. Every second of Transformers is either filled with hot chicks, robots, explosions, nachos or spec-ops kicking alien ass. Somehow this movie even makes that dorky kid from Holes look somewhat cool. Mostly he looks cool because he spends the entire movie hanging out with ass-kicking robots, hot chicks or U.S. Special Forces. If you took everything that has ever kicked ass, wrapped it up in a burrito made out of money, deep fried that in a vat of whiskey and then served it on the breasts of a nubile young playboy model you would only come halfway towards touching the level of ass kicking that Transformers reaches. First off it’s an entire movie about robots which is probably the greatest concept for a film ever (barring the film I-Robot which pretty much raped the long dead corpse of its creator). More than that it’s a movie about a robot war which lands itself here on earth, allowing the robots to take the forms of ass-stomping vehicles like the F-22 Raptor, The M1- Abrams, and the not even available 2008 Chevy Saleen Camaro.

So the basic premise of this movie is that there are two sets of robots that are both looking for this super-powerful do-hickey that sparks life on planets. It was lost long ago after their robotic home world “Cbyertron” was destroyed. Conveniently it landed here on earth. Skipping all of the non-robot parts; this dorky kid hooks up with a newly re-imaged bumble-bee who shows that he’s no longer a little hippie Volkswagen Beetle but rather the Autobots version of the U.S. Army pathfinder; a well trained, well armed weapon of scouting and destruction. Bumble bee befriends the dorky kid, helps him score the hot chick and then saves their asses all while finding out where the all-spark is.

So Bumble Bee lets the rest of the Autobots know that megan fox has an amazing rack the all spark is here on earth. The Decepticons are already here on earth and in the process of trying to locate this mega-juice of the universe. Without giving out the ending of the film eventually this mutual hunt for the creation lego brings the two warring factions of Transformers together with hot chicks and spec-ops leading to an all out slobber-knocker in downtown L.A. In the left corner, weighing in at just under half the gross tonnage of Rosie O’donnell’ ass, with glowing blue eyes are the Autobots: Bumble Bee, Jazz, Iron Hide and Ratchet lead by their magnanimous leader Optimus Prime. In the right corner, smelling like fish and overflowing with stereotypical bad guy machismo are the Decepticons: Starscream, Barricade Frenzy, Blackout and Devastator captained by their egotistical sociopathic – uh – captain Megatron. Scorponok and Bonecrusher would have been here but on their way to the arena tonight they got their shit ruined.

The battle starts heavily in favor of the Decepticons who out number the Autobots but numbers prove highly inferior to teamwork. Robots are fighting, doing kung-fu, shooting guns two fisted style and even throwing ninja stars. They’re ruining city blocks and flicking humans like boogers. It is the greatest robot battle since Robot-Jox and let’s just say that The Autobots end up handing out FUCK-YOU’S like Halloween candy. Transformers is officially the pinnacle of summer blockbuster film making and it will be eons before anyone ever comes close to touching the bar that Michael Bay has set. That is until - in my humble prediction - John Woo and Jerry Bruckheimer team up to do a live action G.I. Joe movie.

If you listened really carefully on Friday, June 29th 2007; you could hear the collective sighs of the worlds largest ever recorded Nerd-gasm as the Apple I-Phone made its way into the hands of bleary eyed, drooling techno-cultists everywhere. My friend Mike even slept in front of the AT&T store in order to be the first asshole to be able to say, “Hey, wanna see my I-Phone?”

Quite frankly I’ve never understood the pressing geek-chic desire to be the first to do something. Whether that’s the first to posses the latest gaming system or the first to give up the opportunity to see actual girl boobs in order to dress up like a jedi or a wizard in order to be the first to see a film that will eventually be seen by - literally - billions. The pressing urge to be able to call ‘dibs’ is something that has completely eluded me…

until now

There are features of the I-Phone that were never discussed in any of the press releases or keynote speeches. These features are only accessible after you have pledged your allegiance to The Great Apple and the voice of its one true prophet: Steve Jobs. I’m not willing to hand over my soul to Jobs but Mike sold his in entirety and I’ve parlayed his lack of eternal bliss to uncover The Amazing Secret Features of the Apple I-Phone.

Considering the fact that the I-Phone is more costly than every other cellular device on the market - and that it is the most sought after piece of consumer electronics currently circulating - the owners of the device are more than likely to be the potential victims of theft, muggings and general thuggery. Steve Jobs knew that this might be the case and built into the I-Phone a series of self defense features designed to keep thieves and cheeto-fingered geeks from getting their grubby little hands on your prized possession.

There are three levels to which the I-Phone can defend itself from attack. These levels are based on the threat level and the immediacy of being pawned off on Craigslist for twice the actual value.

Level One - Lasers. While this will drain the battery very quickly the I-Phone’s I-laser is the first line of defense. Upon sensing a threat the screen grows blindingly bright and emit’s a concentrated beam toward the offender. This beam, on its lowest setting, can singe the skin off of the perpetrators hand. At the highest level it will boil eyeballs inside the skull.

Level Two - Bowel Disruptor. Because nothing thwarts the wanton thievery of thugs like a pant load of dookie dogs.

Level Three - Summoning Sharks.

The ability for the I-Phone to defend itself, while fantastic, is not the peak of the hidden features. As a discerning electronics fetishist you - the owner of an I-Phone - have very important things to do - like taking pictures of yourself with your I-Phone and uploading them to myspace. With that in mind it should almost be second nature for you to conceive that your I-Phone will take care of some menial tasks in order to free up more of your time.

The I-Phone will discipline your children.

While this may give you cause to stop and think about the ramifications of technology on our negligent society; those feelings will soon pass as you learn that you are no longer burdened with having to make decisions in the process of teaching your children right from wrong. Now before you start asking questions about the why let’s take a look at how this amazing feat is accomplished.

First you must purchase a blue-tooth enabled sub dermal chip from any of the Apple stores or a participating AT&T store. Once this chip is implanted under the skin of your unsuspecting offspring you are only a few preference settings away from being able to keep your child on a short leash with merely the click of a button. After that you merely take a picture of your child with the onboard digital camera and assign the Bluetooth frequency and you can pull up the child discipline option from your main menu.

While those first two hidden features might prove more than worthy to draw $500 out of your wallet; this last one is going to make you wonder how you ever got along without the I-Phone. What am I talking about? I’m talking about Apple finally going the whole nine yards with it’s I-life product branding - The Apple I-phone is truly set to be the end all be all of portable electronics. It can replace every remote control, every personal digital assistant, every garage door opener - this thing is going to make your life one big river of nacho cheese that you float down on a raft made up of strippers towards an island made out of candy inhabited by puppies. Fuck you everyone has dreams.

The I-Phone has an artificial intelligence that allows it to actively learn. Thanks to its mystical interfacing abilities it can do everything from change the channel to start your car. How does it do this you ask? The I-Phone can transform into one of my favorite things: A robot. This little I-Phone robot then interfaces with each piece of electronics and learns all of its functions, including your Tivo.

Yes I understand that you can watch YouTube on the I-Phone but I really couldn’t give two shits less about the skateboarding bulldog. But with it’s learning capability the I-Phone can sync your recorded videos so you can catch up on your soap operas on your lunch break.

And realistically what cult would exist without a final solution? There’s no Jonestown without kool-aid. No Waco without botched FBI Raids. No heavensgate without a comet and that weirdo pedophile. And likewise Apple has tapped the mental power of Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay and James Cameron to bring to you the Apple-pocalypse.

All of the I-Phones are interconnected allowing for parallel processing of information. Along with the ability to process S.E.T.I information without sucking down bandwidth, the Apple I-Phone has the artificial intelligence level to determine when the end times have come. Using information gleaned from outside sources and ambient environmental signals the I-Phone can determine when the Human Race has gone too far and, in accordance with advanced programming and processing, will transfer all command and control functions to Cyberdyne Systems and Skynet completely relieving humanity of all responsibility.

As you can see the Apple I-Phone is the greatest device that the world has ever seen. As a matter of fact I think I am going to pay a homeless man to sleep in front of the AT&T store until the next shipment comes. Oh don’t you look at me all cock-eyed - he was going to be sleeping on the street anyway, at least this way he’s doing something productive.