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If you’ve got a quarters worth of a brain then you’ve heard the expression “Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD.” Well I’m going to hire someone to start tattooing that on the foreheads of studio executives in order to make them think twice before they start looking into more comic book properties to develop into feature films. Sure comic book movies are popular but that doesn’t mean you have to squirt one out every summer. Especially if you don’t have an understanding of the source material.

What some studios are doing to comic book films would be tantamount to an executive studying figures and seeing that the move Philadelphia raked in a lot of cash, and then a few years later Titanic brought in buckets full of the green dollar, and based on that information deciding that the best way to make money would to be to make a film about a boat that has aids that sinks. After all if both an AIDS movie brought in money and a movie about a sinking ship brought in money, shouldn’t blending the genres bring in even more money? Hell, why not try to capture every market and it can be an animated film from Disney?

Fortunately I don’t really have to illustrate what shitty comic book movies might look like because the hollywood machine has churned out it’s fair share in the last few years and, from what I’ve been reading on the interweb, plans to continue doing so until they run out of ideas. But that’s okay because once they’ve strip-mined the comic book landscape we can start recycling TV shows from the 90s and beyond into feature length films. But I’m diverting my attention - probably on purpose - from the whole point of this article: The Shittiest Comic Book Movies ever made.

The Hulk
The Hulk is a shitty character. Hulk get mad. Hulk smash. He’s got about as much story worthy credence as watching a pro-wrestler do Hamlet. Two fucking hours of”you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” and then the big payoff of the whole film is when he finally goes on a roid rage rampage and bounces around the desert like the Trix rabbit on crack busting up helicopters. This movie sucks on a colossal level and much to my chagrin…there will be a sequel.

Judge Dredd
One of the greatest things about the Judge Dredd comics is that it truly was it’s own environment with rules and order, social standards and guidelines. Judges aren’t allowed to date other judges. Judge Dredd never takes his helmet off and, unlike every other comic; Judge Dredd takes place in real time so as the comic book goes on in years Judge Dredd ages accordingly. The comic has been running for thirty years now and Dredd has age 30 years. This movie broke almost every tenant set forth in the comics that made it great. The only redeeming quality was the killer robots which would have saved the movie had they killed Stallone.

Ghost Rider
If I were casting ghost rider I’m fairly certain I would have cast a brick with a face drawn on it before I cast Nick Cage. This movie was too fucking campy for me. Oh my god, Ghost Rider is fighting the spirits of Water, Wind and Earth - OMG Ghost Rider must be the spirit of Fire LOL!!!1 I actually heard someone make this brain chilling exclamation in the theater. Being the considerate movie patron that I am I walked over dumped 64 ounces of frosty cold Cherry Choke on their head and then punched them in the face. When she was done crying I made her go buy me a new one. Though I wish I had just left the theater instead of watching Nick Cage ham-handedly stumble through another performance.

Tank Girl
Hewlet and Martin created a work of Pop Culture genius with Tank Girl. She was irreverent, crazy, a drunk, a fuck up, a bandit, a whore and several other less than savory adjectives. Her nipples shot whiskey and her vagina was a more than ample killing machine. But the movie…oh god. The movie opened up the chest of Tank Girl Ideology and shit inside of its still beating heart.

Daredevil
You could drive a Mac-Fucking-Truck through the plot holes in this piece of crap. Matt Murdoch is a do gooder, pro-bono lawyer who - according to his partner - gets paid shit by his clients all the time. But regardless of that fact he still has a secret lair, a deprivation chamber and a shitload of special Daredevil style weapons. Somehow he’s got a Bruce Wayne style hideout on a delivery boys budget. Of course what’s worse than Daredevil?

Elektra
Here’s a neat idea: Make shitty movie based on a supposedly dead secondary character from another shitty movie. Or I could just dip my balls in hot lava.

V for Vendetta
But we already covered that didn’t we?

and last but certainly not least

All of The Superman Movies
I hate superman and as a result I hate George Reeves, Christopher Reeves, Dean Cain, The guy from the new one, and that mop haired fuck on Smallville. The superman movies had one redeeming quality: They somehow convinced Richard Pryor to be in one of them but other than that this series has been a monstrous waste of film. I do, however LOVE the fact that this series has almost mirrored the Rocky Series, including shitty comeback attempt. Superman is not a character that people can identify with - unless of course we’re talking about the horrendous religious/jesus complex overtones of the latest film - because he’s unstoppable. What you have to do, in order to make a good superman movie, is actually put the man of steel in peril. Here’s an idea I came up with for the next Superman movie:

Superman flies home to his quaint apartment after having saved a bus load of nuns, or something equally as boring.

As he lands on the balcony he peaks in the window and sees four large ex-cons running a train on his lady fare. But he stops short of killing them with his eye lasers because he sees a video camera, and a sound crew, and a man dressed like a leprechaun and he realizes that while he was out saving the world Lois was at home taking every last ounce of Cock that Metropolis had to offer.

Depressed Superman flies off unsure of how to live his life further. He changes into Clark Kent and stops at a local gun store to buy a pistol. Then he walks to a liquor store and buys three gallons of shitty cheap vodka.

He flies to the top of a skyscraper and chugs down all of the vodka, pulls the pistol out and puts it in his mouth.

He pulls the trigger but nothing happens ’cause he’s Superman.

Alone, Drunk, Depressed, Lacking Love and unable to kill himself he moves to a seedy town in Guatemala and opens up an internet webcam site where he regularly performs acts that border between sex and a snuff film. Because he’s invincible he has dubbed Thursdays to be “Thrusting Thursdays” and allows local members of the drug cartel to fuck him in the butt while they repeatedly try to stab him in the eyes with hypodermic needles.

Sadly, Lois Lane’s website - loislanelovesthecockineveryholeshecanfititin.net - becomes a new sensation on the interweb and she goes on to be the next Jenna Jameson. She has wealth, power, sex and fun and superman ends up coming back to the states to be the front man for a Fall Out Boy cover band called “Got My Dick Caught In My Zipper”.

Even then I still wouldn’t go see it because Superman is a douche bag.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 6th, 2007 at 1:17 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.