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Dear Sheryl Crow,

I recently read your statement regarding your ideas on how to better the environment and, young lady, I must say that I am indeed impressed. Your idea for everyone to use only one square of toilet paper per “session” was quite remarkable. Needless to say I found it quite disheartening when you later retracted said statement claiming that it was all a joke. A joke Ms. Crow? There is nothing funny about mother nature young lady and I am appalled that you would try to hide your love for this planet and its environment. You see Ms. Crow I actually believe that your idea didn’t go far enough. While the thought of using one square of poop-tape per trip makes good sense I believe that it is still ecologically unsound.

If we can get these United States of America down to one square how hard would it be, really, to get them to abandon the idea of toilet paper all together? Sure it sounds like a weird idea but it seems to work for the middle east. All we have to do is establish the fact that from here on out everyone’s left hand is now their wiping hand. The left hand shall be the dirty hand from here on out. Of course this means that an entire section of the population will be shunned forever but that’s a small price to pay for mother nature. All children from here on out shall have their left hand tied behind their back to prevent them from becoming southpaws.

Until an entire generation can be trained; the current group of left handers shall be known as the unclean. Stinkfisting will no longer be a deviant sexual fetish but rather the appropriate greeting of The Unclean. Of course this can be advantageous to the current crop of left-handed pitchers in major league baseball. No longer will lefties be the kings of the slider; now they can throw the wicked, twisting, poo-ball. And what batter in their right mind is going to hit the poo-ball?

But we shall not stop at the proverbial brown eye. No ma’am. Mother nature doesn’t stop caring when you stop pooping; Ms. Crow. While getting used to the idea of having a handful of man-mud is a bit weird and ooky; I believe it can be done. Likewise there is another personal hygiene product which has proven to be extremely destructive to our environment and, as a woman, you should be very familiar with it: TAMPONS!

Tampons are made of – as far as I can tell – cotton; and cotton is made from, you guessed correctly, little fluffy bunnies. This is of course based on the four and a half seconds of research I did by remembering a song we used to sing when I was a child.

“Here comes Peter Cotton Tail…” Read that again – COTTON. If it weren’t true then it wouldn’t be in a kids song.

I’m sure your first thought would be the female vagina diapers known as maxi-pads but young lady look at how much more cotton those use. The more tampons and maxi-pads that are used in our society the more cute fuzzy bunnies have to be killed. Are you willing to do that Sheryl? Are you willing to have the blood of fluffy little rabbits on your hands in order to sanitize your woman-hole? Well neither am I. I do understand though that it would be completely socially irresponsible for women to walk around just bleeding everywhere so a solution must be found.

Ms. Crow; I – like you – am a forward thinking individual and I have already thought of a solution. Mother nature never presents an issue that mother nature can’t solve. I was walking through the Tahoe national forest the other day and it was as if the answer to my dilemma just dropped out of the sky – literally.

PINE CONES

They are shaped, sort of, like a tampon which means that they would be conforming to your womanly front-butt and they are 100% natural. I would see it as an affront to our planet if people were to go pick pine cones off of the trees as that would be painful to Mother Earth. But there’s nothing wrong with picking up pine cones up off the ground. We could hire people to wander the pine forests picking up “New-Tampons” and while they are earning money and providing a sanitation solution they are also beautifying the wilderness. Look at all of the good that can done there. Surely you can see the benefits.

But this, dear woman, is not the greatest idea that I have had since what I like to call “My Great Awakening”. There is one great and pressing threat to Mother Nature that has gone completely overlooked in all of this global warming, Al Gore inventing the internet, Don Imus fiasco. This virtual WMD against our planet is so obvious but somehow so easily overlooked. The greatest pressing threat to mother earth is people. Yes people. You and me.

I know that this must be hard to fathom from the comfort of your personal tour bus (by the way – did you by carbon offsets for that thing? I know you need a diesel burning luxury land yacht to travel around the country but make sure you buy plenty of carbon offsets. ) but we people are the worst thing to ever happen to Gaia. People are responsible for everything horrible thing that happens here on earth. As such I propose we get rid of the problem.

Everyone on earth needs to die. That’s really the only option. If you think about it Hitler probably wasn’t a genocidal maniac. He was probably a staunch conservationist who realized that people were the greatest threat to our world – not terrorism or the erosion of civil liberties. Surely as an environmentalist you must feel some sort of kinship with Hitler as each of you wish to do more for mother earth by ridding the planet of those who destroy it with such a willy-nilly attitude.

In closing Sheryl I just wanted to say thank you for starting the environmental revolution. Had it not been for your sound thinking and foresight alternative means of fighting the evils that plague mother earth probably never would have come to light. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go email Al Gore. I understand he’s on the hunt for what is probably the second most pressing threat to this world: MAN-BEAR-PIG

Sincerely,
Your bestest friend

Travis

50 Matthew Roth - Here’s an easy trick to get me to pick up your book: Give me an underdog to identify with and use the words “Dystopian Future” and I will lap up your product like a thirsty dog at a watering hole. Matthew Roth is an unsuspecting assistant when he is thrown into the post war Manhattan island and becomes the first truly embedded reporter. God damn great read.

49 Marrow - This chick can grow her bones and remove them from her body and use them as weapons. What part of that doesn’t kick ass?

48 Blue Beetle - Now this is how the Blue Beetle should be. Plus that – right there – is a drawing by Jim Lee. And everything looks more bad ass when drawn by Jim Lee

47 Trencher - He’s dead and he comes to town looking to repossess souls. Yes, the repo man from beyond the Grave with a cast of truly amazing villains like, The Hurler and Elvis.

46 Nova - Nova is a member of The Nova Corps an intergalactic unit of ass-kickery. His uniform contains all sorts of ass kicking weapons and he can fly in space. Dude I wanna fly in space.

45 Quentin Quire - Quentin Quire is a personal fave because this is when writers started questioning the world they had created for the Xmen and eventually had to ask: What if a student in the Xavier institute doesn’t agree with charles? How a does mutant teenager rebel. And the Quentin Quire character was the penultimate vision of this. Pick up the Xmen TPB “Riot at Xaviers’ and you’ll see what I mean.

44 Penance - Originally Robbie Baldwin was the superhero known as speedball whose power was – basically – the ability to turn any kinetic energy into a bubble field that basically made him a super bouncy ball. But he tried to stop a mutant terrorist and that resulted in a blast that catapulted him 500 miles away. After the events of Stamford, Baldwin believed his powers to be burned out. However, they still exist, but now only manifest when he feels pain. While his powers are still kinetically based, they no longer appear to manifest as a “bubble field.” Rather, his powers seem far more explosive in nature. In order to stimulate his powers, his Penance suit constantly rakes his flesh. What once was a dorky bouncy character is now super bad ass…make mine marvel.

43 Max Faraday - Geeky kid downloads the wrong thing on the internet and ends up being a god? Sign me up and point me to the place where I can download that shit. Or at least a copy of Rocco loves Jenna.

42 Galactus - The Devourer Of Worlds. Created because Stan “The Man” Lee wanted the FF to fight GOD. What’s he do you ask? Galactus eats planets, and everything on them. Galactus could kick Chuck Norris’ ass in a heart beat.

41 Rover and I – This character is from one of those alternate time line stories but it’s just cool. A guy who has a mutant gift with robots turns a mutant hunting sentinel into his friend and bodyguard. That’s good stuff Maynard.

40 UMen - I like it when writers create new villains out of the environment and the day in which the comic exists. These guys are a cult that believe by killing mutants and harvesting their organs they can create a new race which will replace all others.

39 Xorn - This guy is a mutant who has a star for a brain. And that, my friends, rules.

38 VooDoo - It’s about god damned time comic books included an exotic dancer. This chick is a stripper who can see the true forms of aliens on the planet. But I’m just really a big fan of strippers.

37 Hellion - He’s cocky, brash and arrogant and has the telekinetic hutzpah to back it up. I just used hutzpah correctly.

36 Tim Drake Robin - I like this version of Robin because of the way Tim Drake proved himself. He researched, followed and used his burgeoning detective skills to determine who Batman really was, and once he confronted him he didn’t ask for money, or jewels. He asked to kick ass side by side with him. Now that’s a sidekick

35 Warblade - An alien who comes to earth who can manipulate his body like the T-1000 and wreck evil doers shit. He’s kind of a prick, but he’s got that whole super knives for hands thing going for him.

34 Savage Dragon - A comic book about a cop? That’s refreshing. Not to mention the fact that this is now the longest running comic book drawn by a single individual ever. Kudos to Erik Larsen…shit I gotta go pick some of the TPB’s up from my local shop.

33 Blade - Half Vampire, Half Human..All funky fresh vampire shit stomping machine.

32 Hush - Yin to Batman’s Yang. He possess no super powers, just a brilliant mind and a desire to kill batman. Hush isn’t the greatest Batman villain but you’ll notice that only one other made this list.

31 Grifter - A lot of people have probably become tired of the “Gun Toting Loner” archetype but Jim Lee created the best one with Grifter. He’s a hardened combat vet who’s been trained by a secret society of super sexy ninja women. Eat your heart out punisher.

30 Zealot - A member of the secret society of super sexy ninja women. She’s actually the one who trained Grifter which is why you sits higher on the list than him.

29 Witchblade - Sexy Chick? Check
When her powers activate she almost always appears half naked? Check
Super techno looking armor that barely covers her naughty bits? Check
Looks like we have a winner

28 Psylocke - What can I say…I like chicks that are ninjas.

27 Wetworks - I’d like to place an order for a team of ass-kicking, shit-stomping, face-breaking special ops soldiers who have been modified by a genetic symbiote to be a lethal team of supreme tough mother fuckers to fight the vampire hordes. What’s that you say? You’ve got something like that and it’s called Wetworks? I’ll take ‘em.

26 Shatterstar - This is one of the few Rob Liefeld characters that made it through the gauntlet. I like the idea of a character that grew up in a world based around television combat who doesn’t understand anything other than fighting to entertain.

25 Longshot - Okay, this guys power is weird, but it works for me. Basically his mutant power allows him to skew the works of chance in his favor. The motherfucker has the power super luck. If I were his friend I’d take this dude to this casino and win a shit load of money.

24 Bishop- Crazy militant black guy from the future follows criminals into the past and instead of worrying about being sucked back in time he just continues to kick ass.

23 Colossus - I’ve always wondered, in dealing with the characters that can change their genetic make up or characters that transform their body: does it effect their wanger? Like can Colossus take a high powered rifle round to the nuts? I believe the answer is yes!

22 Archangel - Where Angel was a sissy ass weakling Archangel kicks the face off of bad guys. His metal wings shoot paralysis causing Razor blades for fucks sake

21 The Maxx - The Maxx is a drifter whose powers are derived from a subconscious alternate reality called the outback. With these powers he must protect his social worker/leopard queen from the murderous Mr. Gone. Click Here to read the wiki about this story because it’s too intricate for me to detail here. Favorite part of this book was how they closed one story arc. “And that’s how our story ends. Not with a bang, not with a book, but with a thwack.”

20 Cannonball - I almost literally watched this character grow up so I have a bit of an attachment to him. Despite the fact that he’s almost the quintessential offensive weapon Sam Guthrie is one of those nice southern boys.

19 Cable - Holy crap Rob Liefeld created two good characters. This is the character that Rob Liefeld based all of his “team leaders” on. Cable does one thing and does one thing well: Stomps Faces.

18 Marv - Sin City’s baddest motherfucker he drinks, he loves hookers, he has no problem drowning a man in a turd infested toilet. I think I finally found my role model.

17 Hellboy - I love the art of Mike Mignola and the fact that he has made a career out of drawing monsters but I’ve always wanted to see Hellboy use his right fist of doom as a finisher and fist a demon to death.

16 JTHM - God Bless this character. Jhonen Vasquez - the man who created the Nickolodeon cartoon “Invader Zim” - broke into the comic book world with a little guy who’s got serious issues. What’ he do you ask? He kills people to get fresh blood to paint a wall in his house because of the blood gets old and dries then the thing behind the wall gets out and destroys the world. Yeah, this one is a BIG FAVORITE in the goth crowd.

15 Magneto - Arch nemesis of the Xmen. A jew who had seen the inside of the concentration camps. A mastermind and a devil. Magneto really is the archetype for the great super villain.

14 Gambit - This dude may, in fact, have the coolest power ever. He can make any object an explosive by activating the kinetic energy inside of it. Think about it. You go into Victoria’s’ Secret and someone starts being a dick so you pick up a thong, charge that fucker, and instantaneously you’ve got yourself a butt-floss hand grenade.

13 Carnage - Venom, in the Spiderman stories, had a reason for hating Peter Parker. Carnage is nothing but a homicidal killer. Stone cold motherfucker!!

12 Venom - An alien symbiote attaches itself to Eddie Brock and turns him into, basically, the super-evil version of Spiderman. I’m pretty sure I saw Venom throw a taxi cab at an old lady in one issue - and beating up old people rules!!!!!

11 Lobo - Lobo was the last survivor on his planet: because he killed everyone else…at the tender age of boy hood. Once he was finished with that appetizer he decided to take his rolling carnival of destruction on the road. His past times include drinking, kicking ass, boobs, kicking more ass, breaking necks, riding his bike, four course meals of ass kicking and puppies. Who doesn’t love puppies?

10 Tank Girl - Hewlet and Martin created a work of Pop Culture genius with Tank Girl. She was irreverent, crazy, a drunk, a fuck up, a bandit, a whore and several other less than savory adjectives. Her nipples shoot whiskey and her vagina is a more than ample killing machine.

9 Wolverine - The Xmen’ number one killing machine. According to folklore Wolverine is the best at what he does: Macrame. But one day someone burned down his house containing all of his knitted works of art and he got pissed. He enrolled himself in the “Chuck Norris School of Stabbing People In The Throat” - colloquially known as Stab You U - and finished up his masters degree over at the Vin Diesel’s Academy of Hard Knocks and Deadly Gazes. Once he received his accreditation he proceeded out into the world to beat the shit out of super-villain baddies.

8 Judge Dredd - All movie references to Stallone aside; the reason this one is so high on the list is because this comic is the pinnacle of creator owned works. Judge Dredd has a mythos that has been created over something like thirty plus years of publication. Judge Dredd lives in a really big city called mega city one and has the unholy job of keeping shit in line. And he does that with big fucking guns.

7 Iron Man - Super rich geeky billionaire designs a suit of armor so he can fly around pretending to be a robot and use his xray vision to sneak a tawdry peek at chicks in the shower. HELLO NEW CAREER FIELD.

6 Spider Jerusalem - Spider Jerusalem is a disgusting drug addict, chain smoker who just so happens to be the greatest journalist to ever exist. I’m fairly certain that Spider is the alagory of Hunter S. Thompson; only with a more vulgar mouth and deadlier enemy. This is my favorite finite series ever created and you should rush to borders, with or without pants, and buy every last one of these.

5 The Joker - The Batman’s greatest enemy. I think the Joker is probably the greatest super villain ever - outside of Nazi’s and hippies - because he’s typically not in it for money or fame or fortune; he’s in it for one big reason…he loves murder and mayhem. He’s a raving fucking psychotic lunatic genius. Which, in my eventual run to be the ruler of the world, shall be a key platform to base my rule upon.

4 Captain America - I would love to say something funny here but I have always found Captain America to be the embodiment of the greatness that is this country. The fact that he’s been killed in a sniper attack during the civil war saga actually killed something inside of me; in the same way that something died inside of me when I found out that Kermit The Frog wasn’t really a frog but rather a bunch of felt with an old dude’s hand up his ass.

3 Spawn - Todd MacFarlane’s mighty creator owned demon that set all sorts of sales records. He’s a special forces agent, killed by his own men, who’s brought back from the dead to learn how to be a general in hell’s army, except he rebels and learns how to control his power an overthrows the Devil’s hold on his soul. The movie sucked, but the comic book fucking rules.

2 Spiderman - The geek’s greatest fantasy - other than doing two chicks at once - is being Spiderman. He goes from being a geek to a superhero in a matter of seconds. He gets world wide recognition, he gets the girl, he kicks some ass. I think spiderman remains one of my favorites because even with all the powers they always took the time to show you that he’s a regular guy; when’s he is out of costume. Stan Lee always showed the non-hero part of Spiderman’s life and it allowed you to identify with Peter Parker as much as you wished to be Spiderman.

1 Batman - This motherfucker is number one with a super frenzy because Batman is the ultimate bad ass. Bruce Wayne doesn’t have any super powers. He’s not a mutant who was born with eye-lasers. He’s just a guy. A regular guy who has trained himself to be the uber weapon against all evil that roams the streets of his city. He’s a ninja, he’s a superhero, he’s the world’s greatest detective, he is the bane of the existence of all evil. Batman is number one because he’s developed his mind and body to be the greatest weapon EVER! Some day when I grow up, I want to be batman.

If you’ve got a quarters worth of a brain then you’ve heard the expression “Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD.” Well I’m going to hire someone to start tattooing that on the foreheads of studio executives in order to make them think twice before they start looking into more comic book properties to develop into feature films. Sure comic book movies are popular but that doesn’t mean you have to squirt one out every summer. Especially if you don’t have an understanding of the source material.

What some studios are doing to comic book films would be tantamount to an executive studying figures and seeing that the move Philadelphia raked in a lot of cash, and then a few years later Titanic brought in buckets full of the green dollar, and based on that information deciding that the best way to make money would to be to make a film about a boat that has aids that sinks. After all if both an AIDS movie brought in money and a movie about a sinking ship brought in money, shouldn’t blending the genres bring in even more money? Hell, why not try to capture every market and it can be an animated film from Disney?

Fortunately I don’t really have to illustrate what shitty comic book movies might look like because the hollywood machine has churned out it’s fair share in the last few years and, from what I’ve been reading on the interweb, plans to continue doing so until they run out of ideas. But that’s okay because once they’ve strip-mined the comic book landscape we can start recycling TV shows from the 90s and beyond into feature length films. But I’m diverting my attention - probably on purpose - from the whole point of this article: The Shittiest Comic Book Movies ever made.

The Hulk
The Hulk is a shitty character. Hulk get mad. Hulk smash. He’s got about as much story worthy credence as watching a pro-wrestler do Hamlet. Two fucking hours of”you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” and then the big payoff of the whole film is when he finally goes on a roid rage rampage and bounces around the desert like the Trix rabbit on crack busting up helicopters. This movie sucks on a colossal level and much to my chagrin…there will be a sequel.

Judge Dredd
One of the greatest things about the Judge Dredd comics is that it truly was it’s own environment with rules and order, social standards and guidelines. Judges aren’t allowed to date other judges. Judge Dredd never takes his helmet off and, unlike every other comic; Judge Dredd takes place in real time so as the comic book goes on in years Judge Dredd ages accordingly. The comic has been running for thirty years now and Dredd has age 30 years. This movie broke almost every tenant set forth in the comics that made it great. The only redeeming quality was the killer robots which would have saved the movie had they killed Stallone.

Ghost Rider
If I were casting ghost rider I’m fairly certain I would have cast a brick with a face drawn on it before I cast Nick Cage. This movie was too fucking campy for me. Oh my god, Ghost Rider is fighting the spirits of Water, Wind and Earth - OMG Ghost Rider must be the spirit of Fire LOL!!!1 I actually heard someone make this brain chilling exclamation in the theater. Being the considerate movie patron that I am I walked over dumped 64 ounces of frosty cold Cherry Choke on their head and then punched them in the face. When she was done crying I made her go buy me a new one. Though I wish I had just left the theater instead of watching Nick Cage ham-handedly stumble through another performance.

Tank Girl
Hewlet and Martin created a work of Pop Culture genius with Tank Girl. She was irreverent, crazy, a drunk, a fuck up, a bandit, a whore and several other less than savory adjectives. Her nipples shot whiskey and her vagina was a more than ample killing machine. But the movie…oh god. The movie opened up the chest of Tank Girl Ideology and shit inside of its still beating heart.

Daredevil
You could drive a Mac-Fucking-Truck through the plot holes in this piece of crap. Matt Murdoch is a do gooder, pro-bono lawyer who - according to his partner - gets paid shit by his clients all the time. But regardless of that fact he still has a secret lair, a deprivation chamber and a shitload of special Daredevil style weapons. Somehow he’s got a Bruce Wayne style hideout on a delivery boys budget. Of course what’s worse than Daredevil?

Elektra
Here’s a neat idea: Make shitty movie based on a supposedly dead secondary character from another shitty movie. Or I could just dip my balls in hot lava.

V for Vendetta
But we already covered that didn’t we?

and last but certainly not least

All of The Superman Movies
I hate superman and as a result I hate George Reeves, Christopher Reeves, Dean Cain, The guy from the new one, and that mop haired fuck on Smallville. The superman movies had one redeeming quality: They somehow convinced Richard Pryor to be in one of them but other than that this series has been a monstrous waste of film. I do, however LOVE the fact that this series has almost mirrored the Rocky Series, including shitty comeback attempt. Superman is not a character that people can identify with - unless of course we’re talking about the horrendous religious/jesus complex overtones of the latest film - because he’s unstoppable. What you have to do, in order to make a good superman movie, is actually put the man of steel in peril. Here’s an idea I came up with for the next Superman movie:

Superman flies home to his quaint apartment after having saved a bus load of nuns, or something equally as boring.

As he lands on the balcony he peaks in the window and sees four large ex-cons running a train on his lady fare. But he stops short of killing them with his eye lasers because he sees a video camera, and a sound crew, and a man dressed like a leprechaun and he realizes that while he was out saving the world Lois was at home taking every last ounce of Cock that Metropolis had to offer.

Depressed Superman flies off unsure of how to live his life further. He changes into Clark Kent and stops at a local gun store to buy a pistol. Then he walks to a liquor store and buys three gallons of shitty cheap vodka.

He flies to the top of a skyscraper and chugs down all of the vodka, pulls the pistol out and puts it in his mouth.

He pulls the trigger but nothing happens ’cause he’s Superman.

Alone, Drunk, Depressed, Lacking Love and unable to kill himself he moves to a seedy town in Guatemala and opens up an internet webcam site where he regularly performs acts that border between sex and a snuff film. Because he’s invincible he has dubbed Thursdays to be “Thrusting Thursdays” and allows local members of the drug cartel to fuck him in the butt while they repeatedly try to stab him in the eyes with hypodermic needles.

Sadly, Lois Lane’s website - loislanelovesthecockineveryholeshecanfititin.net - becomes a new sensation on the interweb and she goes on to be the next Jenna Jameson. She has wealth, power, sex and fun and superman ends up coming back to the states to be the front man for a Fall Out Boy cover band called “Got My Dick Caught In My Zipper”.

Even then I still wouldn’t go see it because Superman is a douche bag.