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Comic book movies, as I’m sure everyone is aware, fucking rule. Unfortunately they are not a certainty and what I mean by that is; while most comic book movies fucking rule there are some that, even though they have the full force of the mighty hype machine behind them – they still suck balls – Jennifer Garner go ahead and raise your hand and prepare to reap the whirlwind. They are, however, an extremely popular commodity in this day and age. You can count that every summer, as the blockbusters start pawing at your cash, there will be a super hero movie in the mix.

I’m not very quiet about movies that I hate but one thing I’ve noticed is that I have not dedicated nearly enough time to movies that reach down your pants, grab you by your nuts – or baby factory, choose whichever option applies to you – and takes you down hard. Well we’re going to do just that today. I have assembled the definitive list of the best comic book movies ever made. If it’s not on this list then it is safe to assume that A.) The movie is a giant bucket of crap and B.) if you find yourself saying, “Dude, he didn’t include movie x he must not have seen it. I’ll explain to him how great it really is,” then you’re an idiot.

Batman (1991): Arguably the first successful comic book film of the current generation. Tim Burton’s take on Batman was stark, gritty, dirty and downright perfect. That is until Joel Schumacher came along and made a Broadway musical out of the rest of the franchise. Batman is supposed to be about ass-kicking not about nipples on the bat-suit and gratuitous shots of the bat-crotch you fucking ass-clown.

Batman Begins: RETRIBUTION MOTHERFUCKER!! At first Batman starts off as a whiny bitch-kid who can’t even take a fall. Then his parents get shot to swiss cheese and Batman’s all, “Fuck this, I’m gonna go be a ninja.” And that’s exactly what he does. Did you know Batman was a ninja? I always had my suspicions. Then Batman comes back to Gotham to exact his dick swinging revenge and in the process lets the inmates at Arkham Asylum loose which provides for glorious, non-Schumacher directed, sequels.

The Blade Series: This series was over the top with all of its comic book elements which is exactly why they ruled so much. Here’s a quick synopsis of all three.

Blade: Blade laces up his mud-hole stomping boots and, in accordance with the instructions that came with said mud-hole stomping boots, stomps a lake eerie sized mud-hole in Stephen Dorf’s emo ass and then walks the fucker dry, citing the hypothesis that hell hath no fury like an angry, black, half human, half vampire scorned by an emo white guy who slept with his, supposedly, dead mother.

Blade II: Blade laces up his mud-hole stomping boots and teams up with a super team of Vampire bounty hunters and, yet again in accordance with the documentation accompanying his mud-hole stomping boots, proceeds to stomp a Wisconsin sized mud-hole in the ass of some freaky vampire super hybrid. Special Note: Blade uses no less than two of The Rock’s signature moves in fight scenes in this movie. Proving once again that The Rock is the most asskickingest man alive.

Blade Trinity: Blade laces up his mud-hole stomping boots, Ryan Reynolds sharpens his acerbic wit and Jessica Biel looks lickable. I’m certain that this movie contained a far superior amount of mud-hole stomping than the previous two but I was to busy hoping that Jessica Biel would feel compelled to fight vampires topless.

The Spiderman Trilogy: This one sits very close to my heart because the tale of Spiderman is one that every geek plays in their head from the time they realize that the word potential might also be closely tied in with the phrase “getting pussy.” The Spiderman movies followed the comic pretty well so far. Peter Parker is funyun eating geek who gets picked on. Then he gets bit by a spider, gets super powers, a chiseled geek-bod and proceeds to be the one handing out the ass-whoopin’s instead of bending over and taking it. This transition from dork to hero has been something I’ve thought about since I was six years old. As such I’ve let every spider I’ve ever seen take a little nibble. So far no super powers but I have had severe allergies, bloating, swelling, a mild battle with Gangrene that was solved by penicillin and I’m missing the very end of my pinky toe. I personally wish that they had introduced venom earlier in the series because then we would have a chance to see Carnage. And Carnage, in case you’re curious, doesn’t fuck around.

The X-Men: In my opinion this set of movies is the Grand Daddy of ‘em all but it’s also one of those that gets the hairy eyeball more than others. With the ever revolving cast of characters and story lines this one is hard to even compare to the comic because there is no way they could fit that much information into two hours of film, but comic book assholes still bitch about it. You’ll see ‘em in a blockbuster mumbling shit like, “But Wolverine didn’t meet Rogue like that,” or “Lady Deathstrike was actually Uriko, Logan’s wife from japan…that shit she did in the movie was bogus.” Of course at this time you’re allowed to smash them in the face with a copy of anything handy. I like the fact that these movies did seek to incorporate as many of the main characters as possible and Brian Singer’ direction is what truly propelled these beyond the scope of being just comic book movies.

Punisher: Quite possibly the original vigilante; Frank Castle, much like Bruce Wayne, watches his family get filled full of hot machine-gun lead and instead of taking his ball and going home he decides that he should dish out full metal jacket mayhem. Relying on his CIA and SpecOps training The Punisher hands out tickets to the ass-kicking show and when people arrive he makes them line up, single file, and the knocks the shit out of them one by one. Once he’s worked his way through all of the throw away rent-a-thugs he dances a Saturday Night Fever Disco of pain all over John Travolta’s stupid face.

Hellboy: Guillermo Del Toro, whose work brought a lot of the comic book aesthetics to the Blade series, breathed life into a very overlooked, in mainstream comic society, character: Hellboy. Del Toro worked closely with artist and writer, Mike Mignola, to ensure that his style was portrayed (including his amazing use of harsh shadows and negative space) on the big screen. Hellboy owns because of it’s attention to detail in its simplicity. Go ahead and re-read that sentence because it will confuse a few of you. But basically it boils down to this: Hellboy is a big red demon from hell who fights demons along side his fishman friend and a chick who can control fire. All sorts of references to the occult and crazy Nazi douchebags are in this film but in the end Hellboy kicks ass with the aid of his enormous gun The Samaritan and happiness prevails. Though the crazy bad guy with the gas mask and bladed weapons kicked super ass too.

300: I saw this movie opening night at the Imax and left the theater with a fiery hard-on and an urge to don a helmet and loincloth and bang the mighty drums of war. While I was in line there were two lesbians making out which set the tone for the entire evening. If there was a plot to this movie I don’t remember it because it was buried under wave after wave of foreigners getting the unholy fuck beat out of them. These 300 Spartan dudes go for a walk with the sole purpose of leaving as many bodies in their wake as possible. Sure there’s a few slow points in this movie but they’re necessary because you’ll need a refractory period in between battle scenes - which is 97.6% of the entire film.p>

Sin City: This movie is, by far, the greatest Comic Book adaptation ever made. Robert Rodriguez made Frank Miller a co-director and they took the time to literally compare each panel of the comic book to its big screen counter part. The source material is amazing and beautiful in its simplicity at the same time being gritty and violent like an old time mob movie but when you bring that fucker to the cinemas it simply blows the fucking doors off. If someone you know hasn’t seen Sin City and they’re asking you why in the hell they should, aside from how truly amazing the film is you could tell them this joke:

You: Knock Knock

Them: Who’s there?

You: Violence, criminals, violence, tits, drunks, violence, ass kicking, prostitutes, mutilation, violence and more tits. *When they start to repeat what you said - which is on par with the Knock Knock Joke Format - hand them a bottle of whiskey and put the movie on the TV and tape their eyes open in order to more properly let the AWESOME flood into their brain.

I speculate that Frank Miller is, quite possibly, not human but rather a god-like robot who feasts upon pure violence and bare tits. Speaking of bare tits; it is my personal hope that, in the Sin City sequels, Jessica Alba gives an eyeful of her magical tatas.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 15th, 2007 at 2:53 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.