HowToKillPeople.com|

The world of comic books, much like any entertainment medium, is one that must continually introduce new characters, revamp old characters and attempt to keep things interesting; month after month. Like a TV show that’s been on for too long, occasionally the comic book industry jumps the shark. But even after that they have to try to bring the reader back to the pages again. Sometimes the big brains at Marvel, DC, image, darkhorse…et. al come up with some amazing hits. But on an equal level; they shit out some amazing misses. These are the top 50 misses…the horrible, eye gouging, why lord me, misses.

50 Elektra:Why does every fan boy have a boner over Elektra. She’s a second rate character from a second rate comic book – and then she died. But every time Elektra is mentioned some comic book editor pitches a tent over the Elektra legacy. She’s dead, there’s a reason for that.

49 Dazzler: This is the problem with cross pollination of industries. In the 70s the music industry and the comics industry teamed up to do a crossover character and what do we get: A disco queen who uses the power of cocaine and funk to trounce her enemies.

48 Wonderman: There’s nothing worse than being a cheap rip-off of another distributors character. That is, unless, you’re a dude and you’re a rip off of a chick.

47 Champion of the universe: This guy reminds me of the South Park episode with Russel Crowe and “Fightin’ ‘round the world.” He travels and fights, travels and fights for no other reason than he likes to fight. There’s no need to bring the worlds of Comic Books and pro-wrestling together because this proves that it sucks.

46 Animal Vegetable Mineral man: Shape changey gay guy with a horrible name.

45 8-ball man: This is probably the epitome of the shitty conceptual character design. All testicle jokes aside this guy had a gang of ball themed thugs that did his bidding. Though he would work great in a humorous comic. “Holy shit I’ve got blue balls. The only thing left in my arsenal is blue balls.” And then we gets his ass kicked “I’m going home to take care of my balls.”

44 AmeriCop: Judge Dredd called, he’d like his gimmick back.

43 Ant Man: Well we’ve got Spiderman, Batman, Superman and every other sordid thing we can throw the word “man” after. Why not make an Antman. What’s he do you ask? Runs around being tiny and fucking annoying. What makes me sicker is that they’ve run out of A-list comic characters to make movies after and they’re in the pre-production phase of making a movie after this moron.

42 Boomerang: If he uses these things as weapons, like maybe they have razor sharp edges or something, how come they never chop his fucking fingers off? And if they’re just regular boomerangs then how the hell does he do it. I’ve used boomerangs and those things never return, it’s a curved stick and a shitty idea for a bad guy.

41 Siryn: Loud Mouthed woman screams bad guys to death: almost fitting.

40 Banshee: Loud Mouth guy screams bad guys to death: He’s a little bitch.

39 Kylun: This guy’s power is that he can recreate any noise he’s heard. Imagine making a super hero out of the black guy from Police Academy who makes all the sound effects: yeah, shitty.

38 Sauron: Normally I would be a big fan of this guy ‘cause he’s a dinosaur and dinosaurs are kick ass. But he’s a reluctant villain. And if you’re going to be part man and part Pterodactyl…own that shit and eat some kids for fucks sake.

37 The Young Avengers:
What’s your name?
Marvel Comics Executive.
And what are you doing?
Running out of ideas for characters.
So what’s your solution?
Using the Muppet Babies formula we’re making The Young Avengers.
How do you sleep at night?
On ridiculous piles of money; safe in the knowledge that I am sucking every last drop of blood out of this stone.

36 Booster Gold: Douche Bag steals a bunch of stuff and goes back in time to become a super hero: Film at eleven.

Numbers 35 - 20 are all dedicated to one man. And that man is Rob Liefeld. Rob Liefeld is the King of “All Flash and no Gas. All show and no go.” He’s realistically only ever created one successful comic book team and everything following that creation has been a formulaic attempt to recreate his one iota of success. Not only that but as his career spirals downward he’s become nothing but a cheese dick rip-off artist. And I’m not even going to touch the obvious flaws in his artwork.

35 Bloodwulf: If Kid N’ Play and a werewolf had a baby it would be this guy. Who, in Rob Liefeld’ habit of stealing other characters, is really a shitty rip off of Lobo.

34 Troll: It’s bad that Rob Liefeld gets away with the shit that he does. I wonder if anyone ever sat him down and said, “Rob, I hate to have to tell you this but, you suck on so many levels I can feel myself being hated on just for being in this room with you.”

33 Cabbot & Battlestone: Dear Cable: Rob Liefeld never created a character that he loved as much as you and since it’s the intellectual property of Marvel Comics he can’t see you anymore. But don’t worry because every pea brained, comic team, idea the he comes up with will be lead by a character that looks, acts, and is drawn just like you.

32 Lethal: Here, as you can see, Rob Liefeld rips off Jim Lee’s Zealot idea.

31 Bloodstrike: Here Rob rips off the Deathstroke character from DC Comics

30 Diehard: Iron Man rip off. Rob, dude, give it up already.

29 Sentinel: Rob Liefeld has one black character. He can only draw black guys with facial hair that look half asian. And there’s one in each team. Rob Liefeld; ACLU poster boy.

28 Vogue: A Russian Cosmetics Mogul and gymnast who fights crime and looks a lot like Dominoe… another Rob Liefeld Marvel creation.

27 Task: Rob Liefeld guide to making characters.
Step One: Shitty, unfunctional face mask
Step Two: Make sure it looks like every other character with a shitty nonfunctional face mask
Step Three: Pretentious name
Step Four: Masturbate

26 Bedrock: This is hilarious. Rob Liefeld has this formula for creating super hero teams and each one has to include some retardedly big “Strong Guy”. And when the character flops ass, he reoutfits him with a shit load of battle rattle. If he’s huge and made of stone, why does he need armor and guns? Not to mention this guys name is now BADROCK because Hanna Barbara sued Liefeld’s ass.

25 Chapel: The Black Punisher…but filled to the brim with SUCK.

24 Shaft: Yeah, the name says it all.

23 Supreme: Dear Superman I want to be you so bad that it hurts in all of my inadequate superhero parts.

22 Glory: Wonder Woman’s distant, lesbian, cousin…I hate you Rob.

21 Fighting American: Amazingly enough this doesn’t top the list of characters that Rob Liefeld ripped off. But obviously this is Captain America. The story goes that Rob sucked it up on the Captain America heroes reborn story arc and when he was let go he snagged up an old property previously unused – the fighting American – and debuted the stories he had planned for Cap with Fighting Dipshit.

20 Psi-Fire: This is the top of the Rob Liefeld list because this dipshit character is meant to be himself. I guess if I ran my own comic book company I’d probably put myself in a comic book too but fuck Rob Liefeld.

19 Ice Man: Frosty the snow man gets a bad attitude and decides to be a hero.

18 Bullseye: I throw things, accurately, and instead of becoming the greatest major league pitcher ever and raking in billions in contracts and endorsements I’m a shitty super villain that gets his ass kicked by a blind guy.

17 Thor: I’ve never understood the need for “gods” in comic books. That is until I found this. Now that’s an ass kicking god. Thor pales in comparison to the Kung Fu skills of the almighty.

16 Wonder Woman: A product of the late 60’s womens liberation movement Wonder Woman is the super spokesman for women can do anything a man can do. She’s got an invisible jet, which is kinda cool, unless you get shit faced and don’t remember where you parked the thing. I’ve never actually understood the whole Lasso thing, but my guess is she’s into some freaky shit in the bedroom and she carries the lasso with her because she gets urges.

15 Poison Ivy: Finally someone portrays an accurate hippie. Angry hippie woman is all over Batman’s jock because he doesn’t like plants and eats meat by the handful. Of course there’s really not a whole lot that she can do about it without proper sunlight and fertilization. This might be the shittiest Batman villain ever….wait, that’s not true.

14 Angel : If you’re a superhero that can fly, that’s pretty cool, as long as you can use it as an offensive weapon. But Angel doesn’t have any offensive weapons, he can fly, but other than that he better be a fucking UFC master because he’s gotta do hand to hand combat just like any other guy in a bar fight.

13 The Riddler: Jokes? You got jokes bitch? Well I got puzzles and brain teasers. Super Powers? No…but you give me one of those Sudoku books and I’ll wreck shop on that fucking thing. Matthew Lesko is suing you for copyright infringement over the use of his trademark “Crazy Question Marks” on a suit kind of thing.

12 Jacob Marlowe: Jim Lee, you know I love you, but why would you put a funky looking midget in charge of your premiere ass kicking team?

11 Daredevil: Blind guy fighting crime with his super bat-like senses. WOOOOOOO. The next generation of EEO superhero is going to be an entire wheelchair basketball team. They kick major ass..unless they have to go up hill, or over a curb. Why? What is the purpose of this guy. There’s 392 other superheroes in New York, why is there one who constantly bitches about Americans with Disabilities Act?

10 The Flash: The Crack head of the Justice League the Flash can be found apologizing for premature ejaculation, offering lightning quick hand jobs for “just a little rock man”, and trying to explain his way out of getting caught sniffing Womnder Woman’s panties.

9 Green Lantern: This guy is great at accessorizing..unless it’s something yellow. Yellow kills this guy dead. That’s an amazing idea…except for the whole yellow sun that lights the planet he lives on thing. That’ll never come up.

8 Lex Luthor: This is Superman’s arch nemesis? The man of steel who can do EVERYTHING…his biggest enemy is a megalomaniacal billionaire? Not some super demon, or god, nope - Superman fights Donald Trump’s ugly little brother.

7 The Fantastic Four: Fag, Fag, Dude with a dick made of rocks and the whore….next.

6 The Hulk: Dweeb gets mad, dweeb turns into green monster. His weinie shrivels, his back-ne flairs up and he beats his wife because Roid Rage is a hard thing to deal with. Now you know why Hulk Mad.

5 Jean Grey: How many times can this bitch die and come back to life? Fucking seriously. I want to know how the editors at Marvel decide to run a Jean Grey story.
“Well guys, shit’s getting pretty boring around here. What should we do?”
“Let’s bring Jean Grey back to life.”
“How can we pull that off, we’ve done it 19,000 times already.”
“This time her soul was hiding in the anus of a bird that lives on a distant planet. The bird attacks the earth and in the process poops out jean.”
“Brilliant, run with it.”
Assholes.

4 Hawkman: Me am hawkman. Me fly and carry mace. Me am only two steps above being the Hulk. This is one of the reasons I spent more of my youth reading Marvel than DC. Almost every DC character is Animal Trait + Man = hero. This guy is more useless than Angel.

3 Aquaman: Namor, The Submariner, is the king of Atlantis. This pocket of shit isn’t even royalty. He swims around, talking to fish. Basically, in the world of super heroes, Aquaman is the chatty gay friend your girlfriend brings home who can’t stop talking about office gossip or who Justin Timberlake is nailing.

2 The Varieties Of Superman: When Superman “died” I was pretty happy. Then out of every corner of the universe comes three billion different versions of Superman. Black Superman, Young Superman, Cybor Superman, Angry Superman, Water Superman, dildo superman, BBQ Superman, Superman with scrubbing bubbles, Hairy Superman, Old Fat Balding Superman, Jewish Mother Superman…it was like watching pro-sports go through an expansion period because it was a fucking mess.

And topping off the entire list?

1 Superman: The man of steel? Fuck him. I hate Superman because he’s easily the least identifiable hero ever. I want heroes that I can identify with. Someone who I can look at and say “He’s like me but look how he over came the odds to survive.” But Superman is unstoppable. He has every power possible which makes you never actually feel like he is ever in trouble. Terrorists? Should he use his heat vision, his ice breath, super strength, super speed…who cares it’s not gonna stop him. This is why he’s the worst. He could probably take a nuclear warhead inside his crap-hole in order to protect a city - which is gross - even that wouldn’t stop him. I got all sorts of excited when he died, but then he came back…and just won’t go away. He’s such a shitty character that the recent story arc - For Tomorrow - drawn by jim lee failed to garner significant attention. To give you an idea Jim Lee has set every record when it comes to selling comic books because his art is so sought after; and if Jim Lee can’t successfully give a character a push start then it’s time to hang it up.

Comic book movies, as I’m sure everyone is aware, fucking rule. Unfortunately they are not a certainty and what I mean by that is; while most comic book movies fucking rule there are some that, even though they have the full force of the mighty hype machine behind them – they still suck balls – Jennifer Garner go ahead and raise your hand and prepare to reap the whirlwind. They are, however, an extremely popular commodity in this day and age. You can count that every summer, as the blockbusters start pawing at your cash, there will be a super hero movie in the mix.

I’m not very quiet about movies that I hate but one thing I’ve noticed is that I have not dedicated nearly enough time to movies that reach down your pants, grab you by your nuts – or baby factory, choose whichever option applies to you – and takes you down hard. Well we’re going to do just that today. I have assembled the definitive list of the best comic book movies ever made. If it’s not on this list then it is safe to assume that A.) The movie is a giant bucket of crap and B.) if you find yourself saying, “Dude, he didn’t include movie x he must not have seen it. I’ll explain to him how great it really is,” then you’re an idiot.

Batman (1991): Arguably the first successful comic book film of the current generation. Tim Burton’s take on Batman was stark, gritty, dirty and downright perfect. That is until Joel Schumacher came along and made a Broadway musical out of the rest of the franchise. Batman is supposed to be about ass-kicking not about nipples on the bat-suit and gratuitous shots of the bat-crotch you fucking ass-clown.

Batman Begins: RETRIBUTION MOTHERFUCKER!! At first Batman starts off as a whiny bitch-kid who can’t even take a fall. Then his parents get shot to swiss cheese and Batman’s all, “Fuck this, I’m gonna go be a ninja.” And that’s exactly what he does. Did you know Batman was a ninja? I always had my suspicions. Then Batman comes back to Gotham to exact his dick swinging revenge and in the process lets the inmates at Arkham Asylum loose which provides for glorious, non-Schumacher directed, sequels.

The Blade Series: This series was over the top with all of its comic book elements which is exactly why they ruled so much. Here’s a quick synopsis of all three.

Blade: Blade laces up his mud-hole stomping boots and, in accordance with the instructions that came with said mud-hole stomping boots, stomps a lake eerie sized mud-hole in Stephen Dorf’s emo ass and then walks the fucker dry, citing the hypothesis that hell hath no fury like an angry, black, half human, half vampire scorned by an emo white guy who slept with his, supposedly, dead mother.

Blade II: Blade laces up his mud-hole stomping boots and teams up with a super team of Vampire bounty hunters and, yet again in accordance with the documentation accompanying his mud-hole stomping boots, proceeds to stomp a Wisconsin sized mud-hole in the ass of some freaky vampire super hybrid. Special Note: Blade uses no less than two of The Rock’s signature moves in fight scenes in this movie. Proving once again that The Rock is the most asskickingest man alive.

Blade Trinity: Blade laces up his mud-hole stomping boots, Ryan Reynolds sharpens his acerbic wit and Jessica Biel looks lickable. I’m certain that this movie contained a far superior amount of mud-hole stomping than the previous two but I was to busy hoping that Jessica Biel would feel compelled to fight vampires topless.

The Spiderman Trilogy: This one sits very close to my heart because the tale of Spiderman is one that every geek plays in their head from the time they realize that the word potential might also be closely tied in with the phrase “getting pussy.” The Spiderman movies followed the comic pretty well so far. Peter Parker is funyun eating geek who gets picked on. Then he gets bit by a spider, gets super powers, a chiseled geek-bod and proceeds to be the one handing out the ass-whoopin’s instead of bending over and taking it. This transition from dork to hero has been something I’ve thought about since I was six years old. As such I’ve let every spider I’ve ever seen take a little nibble. So far no super powers but I have had severe allergies, bloating, swelling, a mild battle with Gangrene that was solved by penicillin and I’m missing the very end of my pinky toe. I personally wish that they had introduced venom earlier in the series because then we would have a chance to see Carnage. And Carnage, in case you’re curious, doesn’t fuck around.

The X-Men: In my opinion this set of movies is the Grand Daddy of ‘em all but it’s also one of those that gets the hairy eyeball more than others. With the ever revolving cast of characters and story lines this one is hard to even compare to the comic because there is no way they could fit that much information into two hours of film, but comic book assholes still bitch about it. You’ll see ‘em in a blockbuster mumbling shit like, “But Wolverine didn’t meet Rogue like that,” or “Lady Deathstrike was actually Uriko, Logan’s wife from japan…that shit she did in the movie was bogus.” Of course at this time you’re allowed to smash them in the face with a copy of anything handy. I like the fact that these movies did seek to incorporate as many of the main characters as possible and Brian Singer’ direction is what truly propelled these beyond the scope of being just comic book movies.

Punisher: Quite possibly the original vigilante; Frank Castle, much like Bruce Wayne, watches his family get filled full of hot machine-gun lead and instead of taking his ball and going home he decides that he should dish out full metal jacket mayhem. Relying on his CIA and SpecOps training The Punisher hands out tickets to the ass-kicking show and when people arrive he makes them line up, single file, and the knocks the shit out of them one by one. Once he’s worked his way through all of the throw away rent-a-thugs he dances a Saturday Night Fever Disco of pain all over John Travolta’s stupid face.

Hellboy: Guillermo Del Toro, whose work brought a lot of the comic book aesthetics to the Blade series, breathed life into a very overlooked, in mainstream comic society, character: Hellboy. Del Toro worked closely with artist and writer, Mike Mignola, to ensure that his style was portrayed (including his amazing use of harsh shadows and negative space) on the big screen. Hellboy owns because of it’s attention to detail in its simplicity. Go ahead and re-read that sentence because it will confuse a few of you. But basically it boils down to this: Hellboy is a big red demon from hell who fights demons along side his fishman friend and a chick who can control fire. All sorts of references to the occult and crazy Nazi douchebags are in this film but in the end Hellboy kicks ass with the aid of his enormous gun The Samaritan and happiness prevails. Though the crazy bad guy with the gas mask and bladed weapons kicked super ass too.

300: I saw this movie opening night at the Imax and left the theater with a fiery hard-on and an urge to don a helmet and loincloth and bang the mighty drums of war. While I was in line there were two lesbians making out which set the tone for the entire evening. If there was a plot to this movie I don’t remember it because it was buried under wave after wave of foreigners getting the unholy fuck beat out of them. These 300 Spartan dudes go for a walk with the sole purpose of leaving as many bodies in their wake as possible. Sure there’s a few slow points in this movie but they’re necessary because you’ll need a refractory period in between battle scenes - which is 97.6% of the entire film.p>

Sin City: This movie is, by far, the greatest Comic Book adaptation ever made. Robert Rodriguez made Frank Miller a co-director and they took the time to literally compare each panel of the comic book to its big screen counter part. The source material is amazing and beautiful in its simplicity at the same time being gritty and violent like an old time mob movie but when you bring that fucker to the cinemas it simply blows the fucking doors off. If someone you know hasn’t seen Sin City and they’re asking you why in the hell they should, aside from how truly amazing the film is you could tell them this joke:

You: Knock Knock

Them: Who’s there?

You: Violence, criminals, violence, tits, drunks, violence, ass kicking, prostitutes, mutilation, violence and more tits. *When they start to repeat what you said - which is on par with the Knock Knock Joke Format - hand them a bottle of whiskey and put the movie on the TV and tape their eyes open in order to more properly let the AWESOME flood into their brain.

I speculate that Frank Miller is, quite possibly, not human but rather a god-like robot who feasts upon pure violence and bare tits. Speaking of bare tits; it is my personal hope that, in the Sin City sequels, Jessica Alba gives an eyeful of her magical tatas.

Seeing as how we’re jumping into the middle of geekiness I figured I would take the time out of my life to explain to you people that there are other types of geeks out there by creating this Zoological Classification Manual of the most common geeks one might encounter. Don’t thank me, just start studying, because this just might save your life someday.

Scientific Name: Geekus Rollforinitiatous
Common Name: Gaming Geek
Appearance: Due to lack of exposure to light the Geekus Rollforinitiatous is generally pale in appearance. The mainstay diet of Funyuns and Mt. Dew has left the Geekus Roleforinitiatous greasy in complexion and due to “late night raids on World of Warcraft” the Geekus Rollforinitiatous’ eyes are generally glossed over and bright red.

Indigenous Environment: Often found in subterranean enclaves (re: basements) and converted garage rec-rooms the Geekus Rollforinitiatous decorates it’s dwelling with strategy guides and world maps for easier reference. Due to the lack, generally, of female interaction the Geekus Rollforinitiatous’ dwelling is usually messy and smells like feet and allergy medicine.

Behavior: The Geekus Rollforinitiatous of olden days traveled in small, all male, packs that lacked in much social interaction. Due to the advances of technology the Geekus Rollforinitiatous is now a lone entity preferring to spend time ‘online’ gaming and gets much of its social interaction and order through MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games). Often you will hear Geekus Rollforinitiatous speaking of guilds and mana. Save for the rare appearance at conventions such as PAX; Geekus Rollforinitiatous spend much of their free time in seclusion.

Scientific Name: Geekus Filmsnobus
Common Name: Movie Geek
Appearance: This variety of geek varies in appearance but are generally clad in Jeans and T-shirts with clever film quotes; though they have eschewed the current cultural ‘Thug’ fascination with the movie Scarface. Their hair is typically messy and the face usually has a small amount of hair growth because the Geekus Filmsnobus has greater worries than personal appearance. Though often clad in dark colors – grey and black – they are easily distinguished from the “Goth” by their acceptance of social interaction and a practice that is like Kryptonite to the Goth: Laughter.

Indigenous Environment: The Geekus Filmsnobus spends short periods of each day hibernating in their secondary dwellings known as “The Theater”. Though that should not be confused with the “multiplex” which is a place that the Geekus Filmsnobus rarely visits except to concede to guilty pleasures such as “The Summer Blockbuster”. Though you’d be hard pressed to get the Geekus Filmsnobus to admit to seeing, let alone enjoying, anything with the name “Bruckheimer” attached to it.

Behavior: The Geekus Filmsnobus spends a great deal of time reading insider magazines and articles online for spoilers and tidbits about upcoming films. Usually attaching themselves to a single writer or director the Geekus Filmsnobus treats them like deities upon whose alter they should lay gifts and sacrifices. The Geekus Filmsnobus are typically elitist in their views of the entertainment medium and consider you below their understanding of film as an art form, entertainment genre and metaphor for life.

Scientific Name: Geekus Indilabelisic
Common Name: Music Geek
Appearance: This geek has, quite possibly, the greatest variety of outward appearance; each of which is defined by the subset of the musical genre that they associate with. Oft times one can find Geekus Indilabelisic hiding, subversively, in mainstream society where, by all outward appearances, they have hidden their genetic indie disposition. (See figure A.) But, in studying the Geekus Indilabelisic, one can find that the external decoration choices made in their youth belies their true nature.

Indigenous Environment: The Geekus Indilabelisic can be easily found in independent retail outlets searching through tomes of ancient musical archives sometimes called “records” or “vinyl” because vinyl implies an exclusivity. The more modern and adaptive Geekus Indilabelisic - much like it’s counterparts – can be found rooted in front of their computer browsing through internet sites and myspace music. Occasionally, during non-work days and when it’s acceptable to “get piss drunk” you can find Geekus Indilabelisic at local bars and clubs searching for the next great undiscovered band…that they can lord over your head.

Behavior: The Geekus Indilabelisic is typically an antisocial creature that prefers the company of its library of music as opposed to human companionship. When this creature does travel with members of its own kind it is mostly on the way to or from the aforementioned concerts that it attends. Much like Geekus Filmsnobus the Geekus Indilabelisic thinks that it is better than you and professes to have “Not even listened to the radio in…like…five years.” But then back-peddles in a self defense maneuver when you find a Justin Timberlake CD in their car.

Scientific Name: Geekus Blowhardous
Common Name: Political Geek
Appearance: Often adorned in political slogans and buttons the Geekus Blowhardous, quite literally, wears their viewpoints and opinions on their sleeve. Not to be confused with their 1960s counterpart – The Fucking Hippy – Geekus Blowhardous wears similar items and adornments though they can be easily identified as looking like “Loud Mouthed State workers on their lunch break”. Don’t let the cheap suit or SUV fool you; Geekus Blowhardous uses these as camouflage when they enter the regular world in order to pass unsuspecting.

Indigenous Environment: Most commonly found at Starbucks or high end cafés the Geekus Blowhardous rarely ventures out of the comfort of the suburbs save for work or ski vacations. When on ‘Holiday’ as they like to refer to it, the Geekus Blowhardous can be seen in the lodge as opposed to actually getting out and exerting energy.

Behavior: Regardless of their political leanings, be they left, right, up or fucking down, the Geekus Blowhardous knows how you should be living your life and they are more than willing to inform you. After a long hard day of listening to talk radio and filled to the gills with the dogma of Rush Limbaugh, Al Fraken, Sean Hannity and Randy Rhodes they will dive from their cubicles to the local Starbucks to discuss the latest Coop, Election, War or political scandal. While the Geekus Blowhardous will, more than likely, proffer and pundit about causes that they should stand behind they will rarely act themselves. For Example:
Geekus Blowhardous “What happened in New Orleans is just tragic. Someone should help those people.”
Me: “Why don’t you volunteer?”
Geekus Blowhardous “Oh, there’s no way I’d be able to get down there besides…there’s black people down there and from what I hear they’re out of usable food and are now hunting and eating white women.”
Me: “I’m going to stab you in the face!”

Scientific Name: Geekus Funnypicturous
Common Name: Comic Book Geek
Appearance: Big, little, fat, skinny, young or old there is one common thread through the outward appearance of Geekus Funnypicturous: more than likely they are dressed up like their favorite superhero even though they have no fucking business being in spandex. Geekus Funnypicturous is often seen on the extreme end of the physical scale either dangerously skinny or dangerously fat. Scientists very rarely find members of Geekus Funnypicturous in a mid-range healthy weight class. The Geekus Funnypicturous, when in public and out of costume, can easily be identified sitting in a corner, clothed in their favorite characters merchandise. It is not uncommon to see several pieces of their outer adornments match in order to display their loyalty to their favorite character: I.E. Batman backpack and beanie, Spiderman shoes and jacket.

Indigenous Environment: The environment of Geekus Funnypicturous is a rapidly dwindling habitat. As the corporate bookstores have moved into the realm of selling Trade Paper Backs at cut rate prices the neighborhood comic book shop has become all but obsolete. Occasionally Geekus Funnypicturous can be seen in Barnes and Nobles clutching a frapacino while they sit on the ground of the “Graphic Novel” aisle. In this situation they are usually confused and scared and the only thing that is keeping them from attacking is the calmative effect of holding a recognizable item in their hands. In the rare occasion that their community does posess a neighborhood comic store they can be seen in an opium like haze within it’s tiny confines; safe and sated.

Behavior: To the Geekus Funnypicturous the world of their fantasies might as well be a reality. They become so involved in the alternate world of their stories that they can be seen crying, laughing or jumping for joy at the merest plot twist. ( One case study pointed out that in 1993-94, during the Death Of Superman story arc, at least one in every five Geekus Funnypicturous could be found wandering the streets aimlessly muttering the phrase “But…he’s the man of steel. No one can kill the man steel.” Which was immediately followed by binge drinking and a renouncement of faith.) Generally considered some of the most harmless of the Geekus family the Geekus Funnypicturous has become emboldened as of late with Hollywood’s acceptance of their counter culture.

Scientific Name: Geekus Piledriven
Common Name: Wrestling geek
Appearance: Though their heroes and icons are in peek physical condition the Geekus Piledriven are quite the opposite. Adorned in childish garments with slogans professing “Fuck Fear, Drink Beer” and “Layeth The Smacketh Down” the Geekus Piledriven is readily identifiable in public. Like a throwback to marsupials the Geekus Piledriven has an external pouch in which it carries its goods and, occasionally, snacks. This pouch was thought to be extinct in the species but Geekus Piledriven has refused to give up the use of the almighty “Fanny Pack”.

Indigenous Environment: Unlike most of the Geekus Phylum the Geekus Piledriven is most often found in large crowds of worship in their religious temples. They have been known, according to historic record travel in such great packs as to overwhelm their surrounding environment. According to information found in an archaeological dig in Detroit Michigan there once gathered there a great crowd of 93,000+ for a religious event that they have termed “The Slam Heard ‘Round The World.”

Behavior: The Geekus Piledriven is known to be loud mouthed and opinionated on a subject that no one really gives a fuck about. While normally docile and aloof in person they become giants, nay GODS, when posting online and in forums. The IWC (Internet Wrestling Community) is built around the Geekus Piledriven and their need to be right all the god damned time. Much like Geekus Filmsnobus the Geekus Piledriven attaches itself to one wrestler (or superstar) and in ‘putting over’ there chosen deity are more than willing to sacrifice life and limb to see said wrestler hold their chosen title.

Scientific Name: Geekus Con-Maximus
Common Name: star wars/star trek geek
Appearance: Of the entire Geekus Phylum The Geekus Con-Maximus is the most easily identifiable. The Geekus Con-Maximus may posess traits of several of the Geekus family including, but not limited to: Pale Skin, Greasy Hair, Acne and a look of general “What The Fuck” after watching the prequels to the “Holy Trilogy”. The Geekus Con-Maximus wears costumes that are bright in color, dependent upon which sub-phylum they identify with, that stand out and do nothing to camouflage them with their surrounding environment.

Indigenous Environment: In their hey day The Geekus Con-Maximus were readily seen everywhere due to the proliferation of their respective religious iconic imagery (I’m sure you remember when Star Trek was on TV and Star Wars was in the theaters) but these days they are relegated to their yearly pilgrimages. Much like Muslims visit meccah and Jews must trek – no pun intended – to the wailing wall so must Geekus Con-Maximus make its way to the CON (convention: a gathering of the various Geekus family at different parts of the country. Though Geekus Con-Maximus is known only to visit the CON that represents their personal beliefs.)

Behavior: One thing that is little known about the Geekus Con-Maximus is where the split between the two subspecies came from. Geekus Con-Maximus/Star Trek and Geekus Con-Maximus/Star Wars are bitter enemies and have been known to slap fight, to the death, over their zealous religious differences. In a report released by the Vatican one such instance occurred in Los Angeles, CA. USA in which opposing CONs were held across the street from each other. A violent bloodbath of yelling, spitballs and girl-like bitch slapping occurred upon the appearance of one of the rarest geek species – A Female. The battle over the one, acceptable and attractive female resulted in the deaths of 13,000. Sadly this scene was the closest that most Geekus Con-Maximus has ever come to a scantly clad woman.

Scientific Name: Geekus Desperatous
Common Name: Goth
Appearance: What you might think are shadows or specters are actually the lowest species on the geek scale: The Goth. Easily identifiable in public the Geekus Desperatous dresses in all black no matter the season or heat index. In hotter regions Geekus Desperatous has been known to drop by the handful out of refusal to simply wear a pair of fucking shorts. The female of the species is a great dichotomy being either frightening or jaw droppingly hot. But no matter which; each one prescribes to the same outward appearance guidelines. Paler than all of the Geekus family it is advised that one not stare directly at the Geekus Desperatous for you might go blind.

Indigenous Environment: Indy coffee shops, indy theaters and anything outside of the “mainstream” is the refuge of the Geekus Desperatous. Though the greatest gatherings can be found at any place where “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is playing or a Hot Topic (Though the irony of the fact that Hot Topic has co-opted and consumerised their lifestyle is lost on Geekus Desperatous).

Behavior: The Geekus Desperatous is an antisocial and nocturnal creature that has been known to piss their pants and burst into flames at the mere thought of the sun. As the weakest of the Geek Species the Geekus Desperatous has a variety of weaknesses; including, but not limited to:
Sunshine
Laughter
Happiness
Colors
Fun
and Puppies

Though this is a fairly comprehensive list it is not, by any means, a complete one. There are several lesser known species of geeks that are still being studied and classified including:
The Theater Geek
The Nascar Geek (Whose power seems to be derived from their all powerful mullets)
And The Sports Geek: (This is the only type of geek that displays different stage of development: The Pro Sports Geek (adult), The College Sports Geek (larvae) and The High School Sports Geek (pupa, though this variety is only found in the south).

Now that you have been informed you are free to study the different geeks so that you can better recognize them in your daily life and, if neccesary, hunt them.

Ladies and gentlemen this is the month of March and there is a very important event that takes place this month. It’s a day that everyone should be aware of and I’m not talking about the holiday for drunken Irishmen. No boys and girls within this month lies one of the greatest days on the calendar: My Birthday!!!! Now my birthday is not a celebration of typical fare. It is grand. It is epic. Hell, in my opinion, it’s the most important day of the year. There’s actually an event that takes place surrounding my birthday that has come to be known as “Trav-a-palooza” - which is actually a term my fiancé coined, proving that she thinks my birthday is just as important as I do.

Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart, guest of honor at Trav-A-Palooza

Trav-a-palooza is an event that takes place on the weekend of, or immediately following, my birthday. It’s a three day extravaganza of booze, wrestling, airsoft and any form of shenanigans that I find entertaining. This year the inaugural event will be seeing the most ass kickingest movie ever made: 300…in IMAX. If there’s a better way to spend your birthday than watching a bunch of foreigners getting their shit ruined - on a four billion foot high screen - I don’t want to know about it. But with the idea of starting my birthday watching a comic book turned movie I came to a conclusion: My birthday, my month, my website – it’s time to talk about one of my favorite subjects of all time: COMIC BOOKS!

This month is hereby christened Comic Book Month on Howtokillpeople.com and I’m virtually shooting my load on the subject. Now all of you weirdos can stop right there and take your hands out of your fucking pants because there is no way in hell I’m discussing that psychotic Japanese Manga shit. Its fucking ass backwards and the Japanese’ obsession with little girls is just plain fucking wrong.

But before we get into the meat of the article I want you to understand that in reading this we are going to be diving deep into the murky waters of personal dorkiness. Reading along with this, much like my pro-wrestling article is an acceptance of your own geekiness and is, quite possibly a personal statement that you didn’t get laid until your late twenties…possibly later. Except for me, that is. I was banging Penthouse Pets by the handful during nap-time in kindergarten. I guess I just rule that much. So we’ll take pause right now so that you can go talk your girlfriend/wife into letting you touch her boobies before we continue. Trust me; it will make you feel better. If you’re a girl and you’re reading this: go find another girl and touch her boobies…YES, THAT’S FANTASTIC. Maybe you girls should shower? You’re awfully dirty…shit, sorry about that, I disappeared into the library of Lesbians in Jail Porno Theater that plays in my head.

Did you touch a tittie? Ladies if you touched another ladies’ boobies, send me a picture. Have you assuaged your inner dork? Good, let’s move on.

Ever since the dawn of time man has had a need to tell stories but before the written language all he had was pictures. Pictures were used to tell historical accounts of adventures and hunts of the tribe. They told harrowing stories of far off lands and exotic creatures. These stories were used to enlighten, entertain and educate each passing generation

Apparently ancient man hunted Rosie O’Donnell in the wilds of an untamed earth.

With words man was able to tell great stories and elucidate his points and opinions like never before.

My first foray into comic books was when I was a young boy. I was an only child and my parents had recently discarded my homemade napalm kit so I was searching for a new way to kill time without causing mortal harm to stray cats and the homeless. I was out with my grandmother one Saturday morning as she was shopping at garage sales, long before craigslist, and sitting there on a card table was a stack of comics and in each was a new world to explore all at ten cents a piece. It wasn’t until years later that I learned that the comics which whetted my appetite were actually some of the worst ones ever made, but we’ll get into that later in the month.

Comic books aren’t just for kids anymore. Sure there’s Archie and shit like that but the comic book industry recognized a trend a few years ago and made a change. The people who were reading and buying comic books were growing up and likewise their content needed to mature as well. Batman is no longer the perennial father figure but a jaded, hard-assed doom bringer to the criminal class of Gotham. Peter Parker’s not a teenager, he’s a grown man, so now Spiderman has to deal with grown up shit like marriage, kids and how much of his piddly little freelance salary he can blow on lapdances. Hell, just take a look at Marvel’s Civil War saga and you can see just how far the story telling has come. Not to mention the art. Every aspect of the comic book industry has matured and diversified and the readership has benefited.

But the real question is this: why does a 27 year old guy like comic books enough to talk about them for an entire month on his website and what in the hell is he going to say?

This is really a two part question and damn you for trying to confuse me.

Some of you are probably saying, “Travis; you’ve talked about some weird shit in your time but this is by far the dorkiest thing that you’ve ever put out. What in the hell are you thinking?” And if we were having that conversation face to face I’d sucker punch you right in your genitals and call your mother a whore while you were wheezing on the ground. I’ve never hidden the fact that I am childish and geeky, as a matter of fact I hold on to those facts like a lifeline as I become ensconced by bills, school, insurance and other things that come with growing up. Comic books are like watching a movie. Each panel is like a piece of film snipped out of the reel and placed on the page. They’re hyper-realistic parts of a greater artistic masterpiece and each one could stand on its own. I’m a sucker for art and a well told story and to get that each month for two bucks an issue makes every trip to the comic shop like Christmas.

Secondly: How can I talk about comics for an entire month? Truthfully I could talk about them almost every day, much to the chagrin of my fiancé. I could cover so many different aspects of comics and the comic book industry that I could, quite literally devote this site to just that topic. But there are other people who have done it already. But here’s the list of things I’ll be covering this month:

The Greatest Comic Book Movies Ever Made
The 50 Best Comic book characters
The 50 Worst Comic book characters
Artists, writers & titles you should check out
And lastly: what type of superhero I would be.

Not to mention the fact that I’ll be covering other various aspects at My Blog, and in my weekly column titled: Your Parents Hate You, over at Faster Than The World. (My articles go online every Thursday). So for all of you geeks out there, and you closet geeks who don’t want to admit that this is right up your alley, this is for you. Sit down, strap in and no matter how excited you get by the sheer fact that this is going to overload all of your geek receptors… for god’s sake…put your boners away – no one wants to see that shit.