America, as a whole, is obsessed with size – specifically the bigger the better. Now I’m not talking about the stereotypical generalization that gets lauded about regarding fat, lazy Americans…but on that note: Did you know that if everyone in America that is considered “morbidly obese” was placed into one state it would have a higher population than the state of Virginia. That means this country has more than 7,078,515 people who will, upon their death, have to be removed from their home via crane or industrial forklift. Just thought I’d drop that knowledge on ya. But fuck me everything in this country is fucking huge. And you fucking assholes in Texas can eat a sugar frosting flavored fuck off the end of my dick, “Everything’s bigger in Texas,” yeah like assholes and retardation.
This whole issue started because of my search for a new laptop.
This is my old laptop, seen here pictured next to the Clerks II dvd for an understanding of size. Though no longer working as a computer it does serve several new purposes:
Serving Tray
Door Stop
Bookend and…
Self Defense Mechanism against marauding ninjas. Apparently Ninjas often maraud right through my living room….go fucking figure. a side note regarding this picture can be found by clicking here.
In looking to replace this ancient piece of technology I wanted something relatively the same size but that’s god damned impossible. Even products that are meant to be portable in design require a small team of midgets or school children to tote about. Not that I am against forced child labor but fuck; what if I don’t want to feed all of those little bastards just for toting my digital porno collection around? Not to mention the legal ramifications. Let’s say I do wish to watch something adult oriented; what then? Do I have to put blinders and ear muffs on them? Fuck that. I don’t even like the little booger eaters let alone do I want them near my downloaded wrestling collection. If you think I’m kidding here’s an add for Dell’s new “Showstopper” laptop.
But never is America’s need for the ideal of LARGE more evident than in our cars. More specifically, the SUV. With gas approaching $19,000 a gallon one would figure that most people would be purchasing cars that are more fuel efficient. Sure you can haul the children of everyone in the neighborhood, half of the junior high, nineteen homeless and three head of cattle in the back but why? Your monthly gas consumption is nearing that of a small province in Canada (check that out, I’m fucking multinational as a motherfucker) and you spend more, in one month, on insurance than I make annually. What’s the point?
Some of you will be the first to say, “But Travis, they drive those big ass SUVs because they can afford it. Who are you tell them where they should spend their money?” You’re absolutely correct. People should be able to spend their money however they choose, but if you choose to buy a corvette, I’ll choose to think you’re a prick.
However our economy is based on supply and demand. Car manufacturers would not keep producing these retardedly large Sports Utility Vehicles if consumers weren’t sucking them up with a passion not seen since Whitney Houston discovered cocaine. And it in is that vein that I bring forth my first foray into the consumer vehicle market. Because I gots to get paid.
The SUV that will eat all other SUVs for breakfast.
The SUV that will crush all other SUVs.
If your SUV was in prison with my SUV; your SUV would be a bitch for my SUV and take it in the exhaust manifold everyday and twice on Sunday.
Ladies and Gentlemen it is my distinguished honor to present to you the end all, be all, of the sports utility genre.
THE MONSTRO!!!!
(patent pending. If any of you car people start making this I will unleash a holy plague of lawyers on your ass the likes of which has never been seen. You’ll be so far in debt to me that you’ll have to start selling your organs on the black market just to try to make ends meat)
Obviously the greatness that is The Monstro can not fit in the small space allotted here so I have helped create a handy guide for you, the reader. Simply click on the picture of The Monstro and a new window will open with the full size image so that you can follow along on the key features of the next great vehicular revolution.
The Monstro comes in at a little under 900 yards long and 50 feet wide. It is driven by two refurbished world war II submarine diesel engines and can travel at a top speed of a whopping 43.5 mph. And realistically, you wouldn’t want to go faster than that because if you have to stop this fucker with a quickness you’re probably going to end up running a shit ton of people over. But fuck them, they should have known to stay the fuck out of the way.
The Monstro is the height of luxury in on-road automotion. There are 13,000 seats in this beast and each of them is filled with the down from baby geese and the souls of baby kittens. Because sitting on the souls of cute things allows your ass to rest far more comfortably than you would ever expect. What appears to be leather upholstery is actually the hide of penguins imported from Antarctica. The great thing about penguin skin is that you can sit in your Monstro, at the height of summer, BUTT NAKED and your skin will never stick to the seat. How’s that for some super-dope luxury?
Now please refer to the picture you have opened in the new window as we go over six very key features of your new car.
1: Tank Treads - Tired of trying to keep up with The Joneses? No need anymore. Why keep up with them when you can grind their bones into dust under your Panzer inspired drive train.
2: Illegal Immigrants - Stopping to feed your children is a fucking pain in the ass. They always whine about wanting to go to McDonalds or some other such nonsense. The Monstro comes stocked with your own illegal immigrants that run a taco stand in the middle of the vehicle which is convenient for snacking. Or if you have to make the journey from the front of the vehicle to the back they are there for a nice mid-jaunt meal…considering it will take you a day or so to make the pilgrimage. Not a fan of Mexican food? Well with the porous American border there is a wide variety of undocumented aliens that can supply a varying range of epicurean delights.
3: Satellite Dish - Dvd players are passe. Of course when I was a kid and my grandparents took me on roadtrips every summer there was no tv in the car. I had three choices: Read, talk to my grandparents, or shut the fuck up and watch the scenery. Your kids should do no such thing. With this military grade satellite Dish you can watch CNN in 96 different languages. Shit, on the right frequency you can pick up battle field communique from the front lines in Iraq. Of course when you’re not watching television you’ll have to process intel for S.E.T.I .
4: Stickers - Everyone has to have stickers on the outside of their car that shows what’s inside and how cool they are. From the rice rockets with engine stickers to the eddie bauer editions of other cars, this appears to be the new cool. As the top of the line The Monstro will not be left at the back of the pack. This car is covered in stickers of pretentious companies. It’s even got stickers for companies that you’ve never heard of, that’s how exclusive it is. If the Joneses manage to survive the Tank Treads then their little balloon knots will pucker at the sight of capitalistic might your car conveys. You’ll be KING DOUCHEBAG!!
5: Silence Wall - Part of the problem with being a parent is all of that god damned parenting you have to do. Kids are a nonstop bullet train of talking, whining, complaining and neediness and quite frankly that’s some shit you just don’t need. The Monstro understands because it comes equipped with a silence wall that makes the Berlin Wall look like a stack of legos. No longer will you be bothered by having to deal with their incessant questions because the Silence Wall shuts them down before it can even begin. And fuck, if they really want someone to talk to they’ve got Juan and his family back there. Everyone needs some culture in their life.
6: Vulcan Cannon - Let’s face it: Traffic sucks and you’re too important to be patient and wait. Not a problem anymore. With the dual, front facing, hood mounted Vulcan Cannons your enemies only need look in their rear view mirror to know that if they don’t get out of your way; they’re fucked. According to military manuals - The M61A1 is a hydraulically driven, 6 barreled, rotary action, air cooled, electrically fired weapon, with selectable rates of fire of either 4000 or 6000 rounds per minute. No more carpool lane, no more rush hour traffic, you’re important and your latte is getting cold.
The Monstro is obviously the greatest thing that has ever happened to America’s car culture and its obsession with everything that is grande. The Monstro will, more than likely, initially have the target demographic of the rich and famous because they’ve got the money to blow but eventually we’ll sit down and design a regular consumer model.
The first production model off the line will be mine to keep and I’ll use it to run over Ashton Kutcher.
Ford, Chevy, Gm and Cadillac: My contact information can be found here; I await your email.
