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It’s Christmas time and while the whole world is suddenly remembering that they have a religion to pander to and houses to prepare for guests; I am bursting from the depths of my orifices with jubilation over one thing: PRESENTS.

I mentioned, over on my blog, some very salient advice I’ve received from almost everyone I know about this Christmas. To paraphrase: I’m getting married and this is my last Xmas to be a greedy little bastard and ask for gifts that are exclusively for me because from here on out Christmas is going to be replete with gifts ‘for the two of us’; which actually means we’ll be getting Christmas gifts for her but now I have to pretend to be happy about receiving nice candles or decorations for our kitchen. My fiancé has all of the manners and decorum of the two of us so future Christmases are sure to be thrilling

RELATIVE: Here’s a nice new candelabra for your fireplace.

FIANCE: Oh thank you, that’s so nice.

ME: Do I look like I live on the set of Phantom of the Opera you fuck?

REALTIVE #2: And here’s one for you Travis.

FIANCE: Oh honey look, a nice new blender

ME: Well shit on my face just what I wanted: A Martha Stewart Christmas. Can I start drinking yet?

ME: New Towels. Really? I can’t believe how generous you are. Maybe you’d just like to time travel back to when I was five years old and wanted a slot car set and you can wrap some socks in the box that your kid’ slot car set came in. That way when I unwrap it I get all excited about getting new toys but once I actually open the box you can laugh as you watch my childhood dreams and hopes crushed in a way that only adults can appreciate. Or you could just kick me in my junk

And you can pretty much repeat this scenario over and over again.

Over on the blog I created a xmas list of gifts so that I could show my mother and fiancé what I want for presents this year but let’s be honest: No one is interested in moderation. Everyone has that day dream moment where they win the lottery or find out they have an extremely rich uncle who wishes to lavish upon them gifts that are so ridiculous it would make the average person weep. In the spirit of that, or just in case I DO have an uncle who has more money than he knows what to do with it I have created my Ultimate Christmas Wish list.

THE AIRSOFT ASS KICKERY PACKAGE
I have a better chance of winning the lottery, while simultaneously using my mind powers to free myself from earth’ gravity and flying, than I do of joining a special forces unit that actually uses these things on a daily basis. I’m kind of okay with that, especially after hearing The Dude talk about his experiences. So what’s the next best thing to being a gung ho spec. ops. agent? Being a drunken child with replica weapons. Included in this package are, from top to bottom: The M4 carbine with M203 grenade launcher, the Pulse Rifle from Aliens, a Berretta Tac-Master 9mm, Tactical Vest and Tactical backpack. Included but not featured in the pictures are all of the accessories that go along with these things. It used to be, in days gone by, I would get friends together on the weekends and we would drink and play airsoft; annoying our neighbors into the wee hours of the morning. I live in an apartment complex now so I don’t get to do that very often anymore. But there’s a housing development right across the street and in that I see great potential for drunken lunacy. I just want to be the best equipped drunken lunatic. Also, from what I understand: being in the military means you spend time in “the field”. Being in “the field” means that you are camping and I abhor camping. Why you ask? Because camping is tantamount to pretending to be homeless for a weekend. Rough cost: $3000.

THE ULTIMATE ELECTRONICS PACKAGE.
Aside from the fact that I simply love electronics and all things that smack of geekery, I also desperately wish to spend my time making movies. in order to effectively turn your home into a movie studio these days most people must do something that they are unaccustomed to: Buy a MAC. I’m not a paid spokesperson for the company but look at the facts: With the Macintosh products you can film, edit, and display - hell you can play your movies on the god damned apple iPod video while on an airplane. Included in this package is a G5 desktop, TWO (yes two because the g5 can handle both of them) 30 inch plasma cinema displays, a black apple laptop, 80 gig Ipod video, some sort of portable display thingy that you plug your iPod into, a sharp video camera…you know; the fancy one. And Sony’s UMPC. The UMPC has absolutely nothing to do with film making but I want one because nothing, and I mean nothing, says ‘technological marvel’ like being able to browse porno while sitting in my staff vehicle. I really know nothing about Macintosh but if I get one other thing on my Christmas List I’ll have plenty of time to learn. Rough Cost: $20,000

THE WRESTLING GEEK PACKAGE OF DOOM:
Oh how I do love the pro-wrestling. And seeing as how I have officially transferred my loyalty from the evil McMahon empire over to TNA I would love to go see them perform live at The Impact Zone in Orlando Florida. I would also like, for my own personal possession, a replica of the TNA X-Division title belt. In my professional understanding of the intricacies of wrestling: The X-Division title is the most important title around these days. Never before has there been a roster of men who are more than willing to put their livlihood on the line for the entertainment of the fans. If you don’t believe me do a search on youtube for AJ Styles or X-division. Now those things alone do not make for a package of doom. I want someone to use their pull or deep-as-fuck pockets to allow me to either wrestle a match with, or manage AJ Styles or Christopher Daniels - which is appropriately pictured to the left. You know if you look really closely it looks as though AJ Styles is pointing at me as if to say, “That guy right there is the fucking man.” or “That guy, that’s the guy who’s going to be carrying my luggage and washing my taint after the show.” Rough Cost: I’m not sure. How much are the morals of the upper management of an up and coming company worth.

THE JAMES BOND STARTER KIT
I don’t know any guy who wouldn’t give a testicle to be James Bond. You get to jet set all over the world, play with the latest gadgets, drive the coolest cars, you have a license to kill…I don’t think it could get any better. Unless you were to let me be Bond. This gift package - christ, I’m starting to sound like the announcer from The Price is Right - includes an Aston Martin Vanquish, the newest models of weapons from Beretta USA, a martini set because, let’s face it, you’re not James Bond without some booze. And, the most important thing: BOND GIRLS. These Bond Girls have been gathered from some of the finest places on the face of the earth; namely: WWE Divas, and Suicidegirls.com. The other bond girls were cool, but nothing beats Tattooed, pierced Bond Girls who are willing to get nekkid on the internet. Some day I’ll be an international man of mystery. Or at least I’ll be a drunk guy with guns. I’m cool with either one. Rough Cost: more than you can afford because apparently, except in Nevada and Thailand, you can’t give someone another person as a gift.

Those gift packages are all very worthy wants for a Christmas wishlist. And by now I’m certain that if I did have a wealthy relative they’re off getting blood drawn to make sure that they’re not actually related to me. However there is one thing I have saved for last because it’s so out of the ordinary I’m certain that I’ll never get it. Here is my last Christmas Wish.

A Benefactor:
I figure as long as I’m wishing that I had a wealthy relative to lavish upon me gifts of such ridiculous stature I might as well wish for a Sugar Momma - or daddy. Here’s the deal: working full time, going to school full time and trying to continue my artistic career is a tough juggling act. If it’s not papers for school, it’s “professional development” homework; if it’s not that it’s commuting. So what do I want? I want a deal the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Dickens’ “Great Expectations”. You, as my benefactor, will provide me with an income to cover my current living expenses and bills, and maybe a little extra. Let’s say this will start at around $3000 a month for the next five years. This will allow me to do nothing but school and this website. In return I promise that there will be a new update every week, either an article or a strip for the new cartoon, and I will maintain atleast a B average in school. This ’salary’ will have to be adjusted once I start going to a four year university because that is WAY more expensive than the current school I attend - and I use the term school loosely.

Now you may be asking yourself, my future benefactor, “Is that all I get; entertainment from your site and your promise to do well in school?” I realize that you, as my benefactor, would have some expectations of me and I prepared to deal with that. If you are a woman and your wish, in return for your cash, is extracurricular activities the monthly allowance will go up…tremendously. First off you’ll be creating extra stress for me and you will be the one to bear the brunt of the fury of my fiance. Secondly the cost will go up based on looks (please refer to figure A below).

Essentially that graph says that if you look like Amy Lee from Evanesence your cost will go up a little, if you look like Oprah it will more than double (if you have the kind of cash that Oprah has I will fully expect your monetary contribution to be compensatory) and if you look like a wrinkled old hag the cost is quintuples. If you’re a dude, you’re gonna have to be Donald Trump to be able to afford to buy off the therapy I’ll need after repressing my memories. However if you just want to give me money in return for entertainment; I’ll be more than happy for that arrangement.

There you have it folks. And with the limited amount of time left in the Christmas shopping season you better jump on it. If you need assistance in locating some of these items you can find my contact information here. If you want to be my benefactor you can contact me at the same link, but please include a picture of yourself along with your email. And I might need a little ‘advance’ money benefactor-to-be ; it is after all, the holidays, and my fiance has REALLY good taste.

Travis