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I openly admit to being childish. Anyone who spends anymore than three minutes with me will undoubtedly be regaled by stories of the last wrestling PPV view I downloaded or the current state of comic books (right now marvel is enwrapt in it’s civil war saga and you should check it out - Marvel I expect my check in the mail any time now). Part of being childish, along with high fiving strangers when drunk, is the fact that I spend an inordinate amount of time contemplating things that would normally occupy the minds of much younger people. The greatest thing I spend time contemplating is the question: What do I want to be when I grow up?!?

Oh sure I’m in my mid-twenties and one would think that I would at least have some sort of idea of what I want to do; but that doesn’t stop me from pondering. And while there are many things that I’ve flip-flopped back and forth between; my greatest hope, my one true dream is to be a robot. That’s right; when I grow up I want to be a robot.

Now while that is a lofty goal you have to understand that robots are fucking awesome. And in my quest to be The Most Awesomest Guy Ever (patent pending) I have determined that the easiest way to get there is to be a robot. The problem with wanting to be a robot is one has to wonder which robot one should pattern themselves after? What I’m going to do is analyze some of the most iconic robots based on the platform they represent and their memorable sound bite. That’s right, I’m mixing political speak with my infantile desire to be a robot. You can send pictures of yourself bowing to me here.

Each image opens in a new window when clicked so you can see the big version. Aint i helpful?

The Lost In Space Robot

ANALYSIS: Long before Corky ever teamed up with that kid from the wonder years and dreamed of flying, ‘tards had representation in outer space. Who dreamt up this guy? I tell you who: TV execs begging for market share in the toy industry, that’s who. What’s the point of having a robot, when you’re in outer space, when all he can do is run around in circles, flailing his arms yelling, “Danger!” Do you something you fucking moron. If you were worth a shit you’d have laser beams and death rays and you could defend poor Will Robinson from the nasties of outer space. Or at least you could warn him about the fact that the doctor was trying, DESPERATELY, to fuck his pre-pubescent space ass. But what did you do? Dick. You’re worthless.

SOUNDBITE: “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!”

CONCLUSION: The only way I would pattern myself after this piece of shit is if I wanted to get beat up and have my robot lunch money taken.

NEXT!

Rosie From The Jetsons

ANALYSIS: While I can appreciate being in the future and having robot servants I’m sometimes amazed at how racist older cartoons are; even on a subversive level. The Jetsons were set in a utopian paradise of the future; a future strangely without solid ground, but a future that was supposed to be idealistic. And yet here you have the representation of a southern house slave in robot form. Shit all they needed to do to make it obvious was put her in black face and teach her to sing “Mammy”.

SOUNDBITE: “Oh Mr. Jay.” (said like a jewish mother)

CONCLUSION: I can’t justify modeling my robotic life after a subservient robot who doesn’t even go crazy, on occasion, and kill people.

NEXT!

Robocop

ANALYSIS: The cop gets his shit absolutely ruined in the opening scenes and the chunks that are left over get turned into a super-cyborg-cop-guy. And while I appreciate his stance on violence, the motherfucker even has a gun holster in his leg, he doesn’t go far enough. After he’s turned into a cyborg-cop does he go out and exact blood thirsty revenge? Nope, super princess here whines about how he lost his family and arrests the bad guy who had him blown away..(which was played by the actor who would eventually be Red Foreman on That 70s Show). I don’t know why they didn’t just equip him with a fairy wand and tutu.

SOUNDBITE: “Halt. You are under arrest.”

CONCLUSION: FAG!

Vicki from Small Wonder

ANALYSIS: Once again the humans try to subjugate the female robots. If you’re my age you probably remember this show but without all of the brain numbing bad subtext that came along with it. The premise of the show was that a grown man, a robotics engineer, created a robot daughter and brought her home to try to assimilate her into regular society; and wacky hijinx ensued. Let say that one more time so you UNDERSTAND: A grown man built a robotic little girl, who would follow his orders, and brought her home. I thought this stuff only happened in Thailand.

SOUNDBITE: “That does not compute” (scary thing is I didn’t even have to look that up on wikipedia, I actually remembered that. I think I’m going to go slam my balls in the fridge door.)

CONCLUSION: Not enough hate, not enough violence, and too many child fucking jokes.

Johnny Five from short Circuit

ANALYSIS: His original platform of service for the army and armed conflict had me supporting this candidate right up until he dodged his service, lost his weapon and tried to imitate a butterfly. Although I have to say that I appluad his return in short circuit two where he became an American citizen. But that’s not enough.

SOUNDBITE: “Johnny five is alive!”

CONCLUSION: Johnny five is a fucking dipshit.

C3P0 & R2D2

ANALYSIS: What the fuck? Why does everyone want to make robots servants? I’ll tell you why? It’s oppression by the human. It’s gentrification motherfucker! ( okay, I have no idea what that means but I just watched Chasing Amy and that angry black guy said that and I thought it was hilarious). These two are the Bert and Ernie of the robot world. And by that I mean they’re HUGE closet gays. I think they’re swingers too. They’re platform is one of those special interest types. It’s not widespread enough (all ass jokes aside).

SOUNDBITE: “Oh R2 it is you, it is you!” This furthers my theory that they’re swingers and C3PO has no idea who’s didlling his robotic anus.

CONCLUSION: Not enough death, not enough drunken hate, the only way I would choose to model my robotic life after these two is if I wanted to have front row tickets to the icecapades.

The Terminator

ANALYSIS: I could almost vote this one as my favorite. His take on violence is right up my alley. His use of improv in means of combat are fantastic. And his cache of automatic weapons is second to none. Unfortunately for the Terminator they cut his balls off and made him nothing more than a baby sitter. He went from all, “I’m going to kill John Conner.” To, “I understand now why you cry.” What a sissy ass.

SOUNDBITE: “I’ll be back.” Should’ve been, “I’ll be emmasculated in a series of sequels that are each more disappointing than the last.”

CONCLUSION: Now he’s the governor of my state. And he’s married to Skeletor.

Do you see? There’s really no good robotic role models. Every robot I have found is nothing but a namby-pamby or they’re robotic slaves. All except one. One robot candidate that I can throw my full weight behind. A robot whose primary goal is to kill all humans. A robot who is powered by liquor. A robot that appreciates hooker-bots. That’s right; I’m talking about the one and only

Bender

ANALYSIS: As I’ve said; his platform is right up my alley. He’s surly, he’s drunk, he hates people, he kicks old folks. This man should be a robot-king.

SOUNDBITE: (these are some of the best)

Hey. What kind of party is this? There’s no booze and only one hooker.

Fry crack corn, and I don’t care / Leela crack corn, I still don’t care / Bender crack corn, and he is great / Take that, you stupid corn!

I was a hero to broken robots ’cause I was one of them, but how can I sing about being damaged if I’m not? That’s like Christina Aguilera singing Spanish. Ooh, wait! That’s it! I’ll fake it!

Game’s over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

You know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people’s misfortune. Hahaha!

CONCLUSION: When I grow up I want to be just like Bender. I’m halfway there already: I generally despise people, I love drinking, and I think that I’m the greatest.

I told you I was childish. But for those of you who think my dream of growing up to be a robot is stupid - to quote my new robotic mentor - YOU CAN BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!!!!

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 11th, 2006 at 2:47 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.