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My relationship with politics is tenuous, at best. It’s like having an ex-girlfriend who’s a drama-magnet, but gives great head at the most inappropriate times. You know that anytime you go near her you are going to want to pull your hair out and then beat yourself senseless with your own fists…but she gives REALLY GREAT HEAD while you’re in the Taco Bell drive thru…and sometimes that might be worth it.

The Gubernatorial election is coming up in less than a month and I gave up a long time ago on giving a shit what either side of anything says. Politicians are not in politics for the benefit of their fellow man. Politicians are in politics for the same reason I’m on the internet writing this shit: They’ve got nothing better to do and the attention makes them feel important. Politicians don’t give a flying fuck about the concerns of their constituents and they are so far removed from reality that they live in a little glass bubble of being judgmentally superior and stare down their nose at you for your filthy little lives. Shit just look at how we judge who we want to be our politicians: People who have never done anything wrong, who have no skeletons in their closet…essentially people who have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A REGULAR PERSON.

Okay, that last statement might not be true. Teddy Kennedy killed a woman, that’s kind of average Joe of him to do. Dubya had a bit of a coke problem. But really, once they get into office they stop relating to people like me. For fucks sake I live in a state that is governed by The Terminator!

They also never talk about things that affect me, or issues that I’m interested in. UNTIL NOW!

Two topics have dragged me back into the fray of talking about politics. Finally issues are being discussed that have meaning to me. Unfortunately because these issues actually matter to me they will probably be buried and end up never seeing the light of day. But I’ll bring them to your attention here and finally my voice will be heard.

The first topic is of dire importance to anyone who has ever used the internet…this you means you fuckers. It’s called Net Neutrality and here are the basics: Do you want your ISP telling you where you can go on the internet? Do you want your ISP speeding up your access to websites that give them money and slowing down those who can’t afford to do such a thing (like me)? Or would you rather the internet remain free and unfettered as it is right now? That’s the basis of Net Neutrality. There are websites that have far more information than I could even begin to pare down and you can do your own research at the following link.

But trust me; if you enjoy downloading Midget Porn and reading vulgar/comedic writers – once again this applies to me, and quite frankly if you aren’t telling your friends to read my website…you’re going to hell – then you need to understand the intricacies of Net Neutrality and write your senator. I wrote mine, but I’m pretty sure she blew me off after finding out I called her a Leather Clad, bestiality loving, transsexual deviant. But that’s the great thing about this interweb. I called her all of those things and she supports my freedom to do so.

The second topic is something that strikes me somewhere in the cockles of my heart. Just seeing that there is a group out there fighting this fight revitalizes my hope in the American Public. What am I talking about? Legalizing Prostitution. Californians For Privacy is a lobbying group that, according to their website, “…seeks to eradicate all laws that inhibit privately conducted consensual adult behavior, including privately conducted prostitution…” Let the angels weep at the beauty of this statement. (Click their name to read more about their plans)

What’s so wrong with prostitution? I obviously have no need for it anymore but I’ve been in the position where I would have bought myself some company for the evening. Some people see it as shameful. Why? How about this, let’s take a look at two scenarios and you tell me which one is shameful.

SCENARIO ONE.
A guy goes out to a bar with some friends. While he’s at the bar he spots an attractive girl. He approaches her and they start talking. Over the course of several hours they flirt and he buys her drink after drink plying her with booze to think he is more attractive and wittier. He pretends to listen to what she has to say and feigns interest as she talks about her cat. He lies about what he does and as they are leaving after last call he winks to his friends as they pile into a cab. They go to her house, have all sorts of deviant sex that would make Jenna Jameson blush, and in the morning he exits stage left leaving her with a disconnected phone number and a bed coated in a thin layer of Crisco and KY.

SCENARIO TWO.
A guy wants a blow job. He calls a prostitute. They arrange a price and a place to meet. He gets his blow job, she gets fifty bucks and everyone leaves happier.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SCENARIO NUMBER TWO?
Nothing.

The other great thing about Californians For Privacy is the way their fundraisers are run. I only found out about this group and their aims after one of their fundraisers was busted and reported on in the Sacramento News and Review. “…there were just 100 guests eating, drinking, dancing and talking with about 30 professional escorts in lingerie; the theme of the event, according to one escort, was “pajama party.”

This is how politics should be. No stuffy fundraisers with shitty comics and overpriced food. No string quartets and assholes wandering around with an air of superiority. Give the public what they want: Half Nekkid chicks and booze – I’ve been a proponent for those two things for a while now, no matter where they show up. Of course after looking into this topic I had to start searching myredbook.com to see if I could find any chicks I went to high school with.

Start paying attention people, apparently politics is starting to get interesting and you should be aware of it. Right now we’re grappling with the freedom of the internet and legalized prostitution but if this trend keeps up we’re finally going to adopt my bare knuckle street fighting proposal for politicians. Imagine it: The 2020 presidential election is held inside the ocatgon and available on Pay Per View. Two men enter, one man leaves to become the leader of the free world. I’d start paying more attention then.

P.S. Hey Californians For Privacy; I’m sending more traffic to your site than you’ve ever seen. As a thank you I will gladly accept a pair of passes to your next fund raiser on behalf of my friends who will fully support you. Contact information can be found here.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 12th, 2006 at 6:53 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.