HowToKillPeople.com|

I have an interesting relationship with my readers. I would have to say that one of the interesting parts of running a website where I tell shameful stories about myself, use paint to make pictures of Voltron preparing to club Metallica to death with a femur, and spew venomous spite at pretty much any celebrity I can find pictures of during a Google image search, is that occasionally when something comes to light regarding an article that I’ve done people send me the link to the story and expect me to say something about it.

I never do follow up articles but enough of my readers (a whopping three of them) sent me links related to an article that I wrote that it necessitated another article. Unfortunately the content of these links was tantamount to when my grandfather would pull something out of the fridge, smell it, and say, “This smells awful. Here, smell it.” So to those of you who sent me links to this info: I appreciate it, you got my attention, but you’re a bunch of assholes.

What tidbit of info caused to do go back to the well? What was sent to me that was so much like a train wreck that I didn’t want to look but I couldn’t tear myself away? Well apparently Dustin Diamond took my advice and followed in the footsteps of Dana Plato. That’s right, El Screech-o is doing PORN. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. Here’s a 45 second sampling…this is just the beginning of the film, there’s no actual humping going on.

I’ll give you a moment to clean up the vomit.

Dustin diamond is following in the foot steps of washed up public figures, and billionaire whores, and is trying to revitalize his public image buy doing porno. Let’s take a quick look at who else has thought this was a good idea:

Paris Hilton < -- miserable failure

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee <--Stricken with hepatitis and now married to Kid rock, which should hold enough shame on it’s own.

John Bobbit <-- I could have sworn he was dead already

Colin Farrell <-- I don’t care

Chyna and Sean Waltman <-- This one is, by far, the most entertaining. The folks over at JasonRivera.com did a review of this and if you want to go read it, go ahead, because I’m not going to even watch it. The story behind it is that two washed up pro-wrestlers, in need of money to make the payments on the microwave they put on lay-away at walmart, decide that they will film themselves having sex. Just the thought of it is enough to make me want to pop my eyes like a two year old stepping on grapes.

But let’s run away from that traffic accident and back to this one. Not that I’m sure it’s any better, but this is the NEW traffic accident….please god, kill me now. This only solidifies my theory that Screech is an unmitigated fuck-hole. I’m come up with financial problems in trying to pay for my wedding, hell I’ve thought about taking on a second job on the weekends, but there is no FUCKING way this would fly with The Girl. How did the conversation come about at the House-O-Screech?

Screech: Honey we’re gonna lose the house. I blew my TV money. I failed as a stand up comic…what are we gonna do?

Wife: Well we could both get two jobs and work hard to keep the house.

Screech: I could sell t-shirts.

Wife: Honey, the T-shirt thing failed, just like you. Why don’t you go search craigslist for jobs?

Screech: That’s beneath me. I was on TV. *deep thinking* WAIT, I’ve got it. All the celebs are doing it.

Wife: Game Shows?

Screech: Nope.

Wife: Hosting a reality show?

Screech: Nope.

Wife: Getting a job like a regular fucking person?

Screech: I’m gonna bang two whores on camera and sell it on the internet.

Wife: ALIMONEY MOTHERFUCKER!

If his wife doesn’t divorce him, keep what’s left of their house, and pistol whip him then she deserves all of the gonorrhea that she gets.

Rumor has it that this video is also a threesome. No one knows who else is in it but I’ve got it on good word that this porno is also going to be a recovery vehicle for a couple other members of the saved by the bell cast who have fallen on hard times. And oh sweet lord it’s not who you think.

This isn’t going to be one of those sexy pornos that you watch and enjoy. This is going to be one of those porns you watch out of shear fright. On the bright side though, Screech apparently pulls off something that is generally only talked about in locker rooms and when guys are trying one up each other with disgusting stories. It’s called the Dirty Sanchez..

I wonder how Mr. Belding felt about all of that ass play?

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 30th, 2006 at 3:54 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.