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It looks as though it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to be a celebrity in this day and age. The internet runs rampant with celebrity gossip websites and the paparazzi seem more emboldened than ever. Everywhere you turn you can hear a celebrity whine like a dying lamb, “I just want to have a normal life. Why can’t everyone leave me alone? Oh woe is me!” Oh fuck you in your overpaid, over privileged ass. Jennifer Aniston gets $20 million a picture, during which she worked a grand total of, maybe, a year, and she doesn’t even have to do double penetration. There are times when I really want to fly down to L.A. for a weekend of people hunting; but fortunately for me, and my criminal record, irony and fate have both stepped up to the task. If you’ve watched the news or read a paper in the last three week you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about…if not, I’ll clarify.

Steve Irwin: The Crocodile hunter was killed when a stingray barb pierced his heart…which has occurred about 16 times in the recorded history of man. Personally, I think fate fucked me on this one. Can I see a show of hands from people who watched this show to see him piss of the wrong crocodile? Everyone? Really? That’s what I thought. This show had the appeal of watching Caber Tossing: yeah it’s kind of interesting but you really watch it to see the accident that brings it all to a screeching halt. A guy in my English class said that Australia should make a new tribute beer to export instead of Fosters. He called it Stingray. He won the award for the most insensitive joke of the day. And just when I thought I was a dick head I found this picture on the internet ..

and not being the biggest asshole made me feel a little better.

Dog The Bounty Hunter: Being the star of your own reality show is a claim to fame these days, but you’ve got to have an interesting gimmick if you’re going to have staying power. This guy, and his crew, would bust into houses and haul people away for jumping bail, drug possession, child endangerment and various other disreputable acts. Well apparently the old Dog skipped out on bail from a trip to Mexico three years ago and about two weeks ago U.S. Marshalls stormed his house and took him into custody. I wish the Marshalls had taken a camera crew with them because I would have loved to see the look on his face.
DOG: “Oh fuck, ME? Really? God Damnit!”

Anna Nicole Smith: Dead Billionaire gets revenge from beyond the grave. This isn’t really ironic in the least, but if you were to pull the card for being cosmically sodomized you couldn’t get it worse than Anna Nicole Smith. She has a baby, and then her twenty year old son dies in the delivery room a few hours later. I have a feeling that extremely old, rich, dead fucker that she bilked those billions out of is screaming, “TAKE THAT YOU CUNT!”

Now that you are all caught up on recent events you have to understand something: These things happen in waves of threes. Whether it’s celebrity deaths, babies, or horror stories, it’s a three person run and then the subject is dead for a while, unless you’re an asshole like me who is now going to predict future celebrity tragedies because my new favorite word is Schadenfreude which means to derive pleasure from other people’s misery. Who said you don’t learn things here at howtokillpeople.com. That’s right I’m going to use mental powers that were passed down to me from a wise, old, yogi who lived in the Himalayas. His dying wish was for his powers of prognostication to go to someone who would use them for good. Fortunately for me a reader of mine lived with him…a few bribes and nekkid pictures of Kelly Kapowski later and now I can see the future…under the right circumstances. So let’s kick this off by appropriately priming the brain for incoming future transmissions: Ten shots of Jack Daniels? Check. Psychedelic Music? Check. Electrodes on my nipples? Check…wait, what?

And awaaaaaay we go!

Hugh Hefner: At the age of 92 Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy, died tragically this weekend. According to reports Mr. Hefner, filled with hopes of entertaining his bevy of young girlfriends, downed 14 Viagra and washed it down with a 64 ounce rock star. Mid orgy Mr. Hefner’ heart, and wang, exploded in torrential downpour of body parts, and bodily fluids. The young girls, all between the ages of 18 and 20, were instantaneously desensitized and decided that Playboy was too soft core for them. They have all signed on to star in a new, JackAss style, porn series called “Daddy Would Be Proud” which will be directed by Ryan. ( No really, this is an idea he really wants to work on)

Oprah Winfrey : 2030. As the first elected female President, Oprah Winfrey, in her inaugural address, revealed the secrets of her success. Among listing other accomplishments; such as representing and untapped demographic and bringing to light social issues President Winfrey stated, “..Cannibalism has changed my life. Every morning, before I went into the office, I ate a child as a sacrifice to the one true lord: Satan. He has given me all that I have and because of his dark gifts I am now your leader.” And much to chagrin of the gathered masses the newly elected President closed her remarks saying, “Besides, with enough BBQ sauce they taste just like chicken and go great with watermelon.” Cleaning crews estimate that it will take three weeks to clean the Capitol Plaza as all in attendance simultaneously shat themselves.

Tom Cruise: In 2024, as intergalactic ambassador to the U.N., Mr. Cruise had the good fortune of being the one to make first contact with an extraterrestrial species. Tom, or Mr. Tom-tastic – as he had come to call himself – made a vital mistake when he began espousing the virtues of Scientology, a made up religion based around extraterrestrials. The newly contacted species promptly eviscerated Mr. Tom-tastic and ate his bits. Apparently no one likes that wacky Xenu character. Tom’s funeral will be attended by his all male, 42 member harem, that has been housed at the Scientology Celebrity Center in L.A. since 1995.

Rosie Odonnell: Tragedy struck in the Florida Keyes where Rosie Odonnell was vacationing. Apparently as she was sun bathing on the beach, local fishermen mis-identified, and unfortunately, harpooned her. When questioned one of the local fishermen went on to explain, “We were unaware that it was Rosie Odonnell. It looked like a beached Manatee and the only humane way to treat them is to kill them. Also, manatee meat tastes fantastic on wheat bread with sprouts.” Though the locals were admonished for accidentally killing a celebrity, pictures leaked to the press made it easy to understand how the mistake was made.

Unfortunately my powers only last so long, well that, and I got my Xbox back so I am feeling the uncontrollable draw to play GTA: Vice City. If you want to know more about what the future may hold, just drop me a line. It’s either that or I end up on late night television re-enacting Johnny Carson’ old Great Carnac bit.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 25th, 2006 at 10:31 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.