Screech Deserves To Die!
Ladies and gentlemen Dustin Diamond, the man who played the lovable Screech on Saved By The Bell, is going to be homeless. GOOD. FUCK SCREECH! Contrary to popular belief (or personal hope) Screech is neither; A.) Already Homeless, B.) Dead, or C.) hopelessly addicted to pain killers and rectal thermometry. He is, however, in the process of having his Wisconsin home foreclosed upon and his misery makes me chuckle with glee. What he is doing about the impending loss of his home makes me want to shank him in the genitals with a pen knife.
Screech is validating a postulation that I have known for a long time; the regular rules of society do not apply to celebrities. From Britney spears driving with her son in her lap to the whole O.J. debacle – and let’s face it folks, he stabbed that white woman – it’s apparent that the rules of society don’t actually apply to them. It seems as though anyone who gets even a modicum of public exposure doesn’t have to subscribe to societal doctrine. Hell if you’re a Kennedy I’m pretty sure you could kill a man on the white house lawn while ass fucking The President’s favorite hunting dog and People magazine would do an expose on what kind of political statement you were trying to make. I detest, and yet envy, celebrities in the most horrendous way.
There are several reasons why I won’t give a flying piece of zebra shit over Screech’s housing woes and I’ll go over those after I explain to you what he’s trying to do in order to get out of foreclosure. Most folks, when faced with the problem of being kicked out of their house would circle the wagons, take on three jobs, and give $5 hand jobs in order to save the place they live. Some people would sell off luxury items in order to pay the bills. What does “The D-man” do? He goes on the internet and begs people to buy t-shirts and advertising space on a website he has set up solely for the purpose of saving his house. To top that off he goes out and shills his celebrity friends to “sponsor” him in his quest to reclaim his house. So far he’s appeared on everything from the Howard Stern show to CNN. Unfortunately the only celebrity who he could convince to suck on the cock of the geekiest kid from Bayside High is Jeff Foxworthy. Instead of doing something productive he’s turned to you and me to save his house. Well I’ve got news for you dipshit: I’ve got my own money problems. I’m engaged and trying to save money for a wedding, a new apartment, and a honeymoon. I’m not buying one of your gay ass shirts. As a matter of fact I am more apt to buy this shirt just to spite you.
One of the reasons that I hope he not only loses his home, but gets a divorce and his children are stricken with downs syndrome is because he should be ass deep in TV money. He was a primary character in the first inception of the TV show, to the Bayside years, the college years, and even the new class, yes I know too much about Saved By The Bell. But once ALL of those shows went off the air he should have been raking in residuals for the syndication. At any moment of the day you can find Saved By The Bell on various stations and each time it’s on, if the agents did their job, the actors get paid. Considering even Adult Swim is running Saved By The Bell re-runs Screech should be raking in the dough. Basically; he has absolutely no excuse for not being able to make his mortgage payments. He has more money making potential doing absolutely nothing than most people do in working an intense nine-five job. If this butt puppet can’t make his house payments it’s no one’s fault but his own, or maybe his fat wife’s.
The second reason I hope he fails miserably is because Dustin Diamond is a tool-box. He is the shining example of someone hating, yet trading in on, his celebrity. He’s a failed stand up comic who gets pissed off when people call him screech but he’s more than willing to pull out that trump card when he needs money. He’s tried several different endeavors to try to make money after his TV career went down the shitter and unfortunately for him one of those endeavors put him in a band with my buddy Jim. I asked Jim to email me a couple of screech stories and here’s what I got.
He’s a bigger idiot in person than he is on the show. The first time he came to my bands rehearsal he got within a couple of blocks of our studio and then called us to let us know he was too scared to come into the neighborhood. We are talking about the 10 and Labrea, not exactly a rough neighborhood. He finally arrives and he has some little Orange County whore with him. I think it was his first trip out of either the suburbs or away from the rough streets of the Warner Brothers lot. He walks in and tries to be funny and the room gets dead quiet. I really was embarrassed for him. I of course decide right there that I will never speak to him. I don’t know if I ever had more than a 5 second conversation with him even when we traveled together. This led to him following me around trying real hard to impress me. Before every show my band (Love Rukkus and the Fat Nugs) smoked enough weed to kill a Jamaican soccer team and Screech always wanted to par-take. We did at least 10 shows with him and not once did we let him in on it. Matter of fact we rarely played the music that he rehearsed w/him even though his agent(a Danny Devito look alike w/a pony tail) put together the shows and paid us to do just that. We were suppose to do 5 of our originals and then bring him on the stage to his crap but every show we would keep playing until there was no time for him to perform, even though everyone was there for him. If he was lucky he would get one or two songs in a night. At a show in S.B. he got crazy and threw an empty water bottle into the crowd. Instantly he was hit in the face with a beer bottle. It was the funniest shit I ever saw.
Another quick Screech story-I got a little drunk during the day of one of our shows in Austin, TX. and had the bright idea of doing mushrooms about an hour before the show. Being high wasn’t enough. I wanted to peak on stage and see how the real rock stars did it. The first part of the show I played better than ever but when Dickless came on I had an out of body experience that lead me to believe that if I didn’t kick his ass I would be letting everyone I ever knew down. First I thought of my friend Tony who taught me how to play the bass. He was in Lenny Kravitz’s band at the time. After that I thought of my two college buddies that were in 3rd eye blind. Not that 3rd eye blind is worth bragging about but they were banging everything in site while making a ton of cash. Then I thought about all my metal head friends in Vegas. All these emotions combined caused me to go after the Screech Dude. Remember up to this point I had refused to talk to him and we had been together for over a month. I started by hugging him real hard after the show. I then put him in head lock and he thought I was just playing around. Like I suddenly enjoyed his company. Once my band mates realized that I had lost it and had evil motives things got out of hand. From what I have been told I may have thrown a beer or two in his direction. The funny thing is one of the beers I threw at him belonged to a huge Rastafarian from the band Tribal Disco Noise. Now I have Mr. Television and the largest Negro in Austin wanting a piece of me. I was gonna fight Screech when one of my band mates reminded me the little fuck was a black belt and that I would have a hard time explaining how Screech kicked my ass. This caused me to sober up enough before something embarrassing happened to me. Before that none of the other bands would even talk to us because we were the Chili Pepper wannabe faggots from L.A. After that I was a hit with all the other bands but was asked to leave by my own band.
For those of you who don’t believe buddy Jim here’s a post on the Tucker Max Message Board of a guy who was in the audience the day that screech caught the beer bottle with his face. Yet more proof that Screech is a fuck hole is this post on his website for the Dustin Diamond foundation. His wife goes into an overly complicated labor which puts both his wife, and unborn baby, in a life or death situation and what does he do? HE GOES OFF TO DO A COMEDY SHOW! This alone should stand as proof that he’s a piece of crap. Why his wife didn’t leave him after chopping off his cock is completely beyond me.
Also, Screech is a fucking pussy. He runs out of celebrity credibility, doesn’t get a job, and ends up begging like a homeless person to save his house. He’s a clueless ass farmer. Take a look at the cast of Diff’rent Strokes if you need a clue as to what you should have done fuck hole. Like Gary Coleman or Todd Bridges you could have turned to drugs and petty theft. Even better for society; you could have modeled yourself after Dana Plato. You could have started doing soft-core pornography, addicted yourself to prescription meds, and then, in the benefit of all of mankind, overdosed on pain killers in the back of an RV. Though, from my understanding, Screech recently had an appointment at Hustler. Purportedly Screech has a ten inch cock. My hope is that no one is asking him to bang chicks, but instead he’s going to break into the porn industry the same way that Ron Jeremy did: SUCKING HIS OWN COCK, which is really just fitting.
Here’s the email I sent to Screech via the contact page on his site.
Dustin Diamond
You sir, are an asshole. Your attempt at cashing in on your once famous role in order for the average public to subsidize your inability to make your house payments makes me want to slip you a roofie and fist you. I absolutely refuse to buy one of your t-shirts because, quite frankly, I would rather spend the $15 dollars on going to a local pro-wrestling show. However, if you have naked pictures of Kelly Kapowski I will gladly pay handsomely for those. If, on the contrary, you possess no pictures of Tiffani Amber Thiesen baring her growler, I hope that you end up sleeping under an overpass. By the way, you’re a hack and your stand up comedy sucks the ass of a rabid monkey.
Sincerely Yours,
Travis
www.howtokillpeople.com
PS If you’re really concerned about saving your house I will personally pay you $200 to eat my ass in front of an audience you shit stain.
PPS Fuck you Dustin, google image search just circumvented you. The only way you’re getting my money is to toss my salad.
So here’s to Dustin Diamond, and my own personal hope that he ends up homeless, destitute, and covered in herpes sores.
July 4th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Wow, that was a mouthful. I know I commented on someone elses blog about this character, he shouldve just went back to FOX for some more celebrity boxing however not to fight punk ass Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter since Screech totally destroyed Horhack in the last fight. NOW that he can throw a punch or two, he can fight somebody like Mr. T, who would most definitely have the heavy money on him. Im sure Screech would be able to convince everyone that he will beat Mr. T back to the 70’s but we know what the outcome of that one would be. I do admire his creativity in coming up to solution to his problems but in the end, he is ridiculous and this man has no shame. This save my house routine is beyond shallow and really shows (besides all you have exposed him to be) the true nature of this man.
July 4th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Travis, Once again you astound me with your elequence and extraordinary BRAIN power. You are right. I didn’t see Screech offering to help me pay my bills. What’s next? Should we buy Urkel a new car? Screech should go beg his parents to let him move back home, like the rest of us do when we are broke.
Travis, keep up the valuable insights.
July 6th, 2006 at 3:35 am
Travis, I had no idea that any straight man this side of the coastal range would know so much about the washed up child star formerly known as Screech. The only way I could be more impressed was if you were to select your own wedding colors or tell me where I could get the latest Prada bag.
I guess what I am trying to say is, you are coming off a little “experimental” lately. You want I should have a male escort sent to Land Park soon?
The chick who wants to be your sister so badly she’ll fake DNA test results on Maury to prove it,
One Woman Donkey Show
P.S. - Did one of your commenters actually say you had extraordinary brain power? Have they ever watched you play airsoft?
July 6th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
Well, Idiot Child Of Mine;
I gonna have to agree with the One Woman Donkey Show. You are getting dangerously close to the edge. I just can’t imagine a normal, healthy, apparently male person getting so worked up over a second rate has-been. You worry me. I may have to speak to that woman of yours.
And he has no grain power, I’m sure he plagarized most of that from somewhere.
ps - go visit your step mom and the boys
July 7th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
“rectal thermometry”
Love it
July 11th, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Simply smashing ole’ chap.Don’t let anyone else dissuade you as to your compendium of useless knowldege about “has beens” I need your expertise when I finally form my Utopian New World Order… I am putting you in charge of hunting down and rounding up all has beens and child stars, so we may place them in giant hamster wheels to generate power for our cities…I’ll be damned if they wont pay society for putting up with their shenanigins. Oh how they will pay. Also You are the official beer tester and “Fuzzy Bunny softness testers” any little rabbits not meeting the standards shall be fed to those damned kiddie stars.
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
July 14th, 2006 at 12:43 am
You’d pay that guy to eat your ass?
Is it the goatee that made you choose the number $200?
July 20th, 2006 at 4:30 am
You know what Travis? I just noticed that the first photo you posted of Dustin Diamond kinda looks like you if you weighed 75 pounds more.
Coincidence? I think not.
July 27th, 2006 at 4:30 pm
The Dustin Diamond Foundation appears to be a charity. Do you think it’s just a front?
“There are few things in life as precious as our children. That is why we believe so strongly in giving back to our communities. The Dustin Diamond Foundation was created in 2005 after the loss of our first child. We have always given of ourselves by participating in fundraising and community events. The Dustin Diamond Foundation will allow us to expand our efforts and assume a more personal role by directly supporting our communities and those organizations who care for our children.”
Don’t tell anyone, but I have a man-crush on Screech…
September 28th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
Oh god, I’ve just heard that he’s got a porn video. Why would anyone want to see that? Who would want to and why are they still in the human race?
October 3rd, 2006 at 7:05 pm
You are totally right.
October 8th, 2006 at 6:35 pm
ROTFLMFAO HAHA.
January 14th, 2007 at 6:31 am
I head that not only does he have a porn, but he shits on some girls chest in it…. oh the power of money.
April 7th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
THE OTHER DAY ME AND DUSTIN WENT TO GO AND HAVE A PICNIC AND PLAY CATCH IN THE PARK.. AFTER THROWING THE BALL AROUND FOR A LITTLE WHILE WE GOT BORED SO WE DECIDED TO GO BEHIND THE BUSHES AND FUCK.. I SUCKED ON HIS LITTLE JEW COCK AND LICKED HIS BALLS AND ASSHOLE… THEN I STARTED TO STUFF FRANKFOOTERS UP HIS RECTUM AND THEN I GAVE HIM AN ENEMA AND THEN HE FARTED OUT GOOEY LUMPS OF DIARREAH MIXED WITH KETCHUP IN MY FACE - IT LEFT ME WANTING MORE!
April 7th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
OOOOOOH Screech you just make my cock sooo fucking hard, my big fucking erect cock is at full mast as I write this, does that turn you on? You would look so good with a big wad of my splooey dripping down your grungy beard, let’s make it happen
Diamond,
Being that this is Valentines day don’t you think that it’s finally time for you to come out of the closet? Seriously, you’re fooling no one. Take of that beard and embrace the HIV juices that will fly your way. For Valentines I would like to eat 5 pounds of chocolate covered cherries, then spray you with my cherry flavored shit! I believe you would find this highly arousing!
Hey Dustin, I’m going to call up Belding and he’s going to smash your nuts with a tire iron and fart in your mouth until lungs fill completely up with his farts. Then he will light a match and cut open your chest cavity. As the smelly excapes from your collapsed lungs your whole torso will ignite in flames! What do you think about that your fucking piece of shit?
Dustin, I learned a new move called “baby sparrow” or “baby bird” where I ejaculate into your mouth, then start to flap my arms and chirp as you slowly regurgitate the load back into my own eagerly awaiting mouth.
Someone should compile all these messages into a book. I nearly pissed my pants I was laughing so hard at this shit.
Dustin sez: Personally I like to go up to a drunk homeless guy in the street, and before he knows what’s happening I’ll bend em over, pull his pants down and stick my tongue up his poot-chute! The fleas and crusty shit contained in the average bum’s anal beard make for a highly tasty meal! Yummy!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday, I received this heart-breaking letter in the mail:
Nov. 14, 2004, It has now been ten days since I was violently shoved up the ass of former child actor Dustin Diamond. He has a surprisingly strong anus, which has imprisoned me. I’m beginning to run out of food, and the batteries in my flashlight are low. I’m very scared and lonely. Luckily, there is a mailbox inside his ass. If anybody is reading this, please help. I have tried to escape while Dustin was having a bowel movement, but my shoe got caught on a sphincter ring. I also tried to escape while someone named JP sucked Dustin’s ass. He didn’t suck hard enough. Every thirty minutes, I’m am sprayed with somebody’s jism. This frightens me the most, as many diseases are easily transmitted through spunk, and poo, and of course blood. I have built a makeshift tent out of used condoms I found in the small intestine. I’ve gotten used to the horrible stench, but I’m scared that the large sewer rats will attack me.
-A Small Retarded Boy
If anybody receives this message, please send help.
Like others before me, I too have somehow become trapped within Dustin Diamond’s enlarged, stretched colon cavity. I don’t know if I have shrunk or what, but it is literally like being in a large, moist cave. So far it has been nearly two weeks since I last saw real daylight. I know I am not alone in here because I often hear voices echoing farther down in his colon cavity, but I am unable to see anything due to the darkness. At one point I even struggled with a large hairy ’something’ over a small kernel of undigested corn that I had found. Unfortunately I lost the struggle, but I did manage to get away from it when it attempted to sexually assault me, but I am now pantless as a result.
So far, I have attempted to escape Dustin’s colon several times by trying to catch a ride on one of the many shit logs that pass through here occasionally. At one point I nearly succeeded in escaping when a very wet and mucousy fart, followed by a tsunami of diarrhea, carried me towards a long tunnel of light leading to the outside world. Unfortunately, before I managed to exit the tunnel, a large black fleshy penis ended up shoving me BACK UP into the darkness of Dustin’s colon again, immediately followed by a thick spray of hot salty semen which hit me so hard that it blew my shirt apart and knocked me unconscious. When I finally regained consciousness, I was completely naked and covered in several layers of moist shit, sticky mucous, and rancid semen, all of which I was forced to lick off myself out of pure desperation for food and nourishment. I have since grown addicted to semen as a result, of which there is large quantities of, thanks to the several ejaculating penises which pop in and out of here every couple hours.
If anybody out there receives this message, please send help as soon as possible. I can only live off of shit nuggets and semen deposits for so long and have grown frail and weak as a result. Please help.
Sincerely,
John McJohnson
Diamond, let’s get together for manly love. Come over to my place and I’ll undress for you - then you can French-kiss my sphincter! I’ll leave a “turtle-head” sticking out of my cornhole in case you get the munchies!!! - Kurt Steinberg
April 9th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
LICK MY ASSHOLE YOU STUPID SHITSTAINED ASSFUCK
April 9th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
The last three comments: What the fuck?
August 1st, 2007 at 3:31 am
Your a loser, and so is screech but i think more you since you made this site.
August 6th, 2007 at 5:03 am
You guys are fucking assholes
September 17th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
What the fuck… I came here for help to kill people. This site blows….
Like Dustin “DickLovin” Diamond blows.
December 11th, 2007 at 3:08 am
Who is the hot chick that shows up on the google search?