Like Dustin “DickLovin” Diamond blows.

Diamond,
Being that this is Valentines day don’t you think that it’s finally time for you to come out of the closet? Seriously, you’re fooling no one. Take of that beard and embrace the HIV juices that will fly your way. For Valentines I would like to eat 5 pounds of chocolate covered cherries, then spray you with my cherry flavored shit! I believe you would find this highly arousing!

Hey Dustin, I’m going to call up Belding and he’s going to smash your nuts with a tire iron and fart in your mouth until lungs fill completely up with his farts. Then he will light a match and cut open your chest cavity. As the smelly excapes from your collapsed lungs your whole torso will ignite in flames! What do you think about that your fucking piece of shit?

Dustin, I learned a new move called “baby sparrow” or “baby bird” where I ejaculate into your mouth, then start to flap my arms and chirp as you slowly regurgitate the load back into my own eagerly awaiting mouth.

Someone should compile all these messages into a book. I nearly pissed my pants I was laughing so hard at this shit.

Dustin sez: Personally I like to go up to a drunk homeless guy in the street, and before he knows what’s happening I’ll bend em over, pull his pants down and stick my tongue up his poot-chute! The fleas and crusty shit contained in the average bum’s anal beard make for a highly tasty meal! Yummy!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, I received this heart-breaking letter in the mail:

Nov. 14, 2004, It has now been ten days since I was violently shoved up the ass of former child actor Dustin Diamond. He has a surprisingly strong anus, which has imprisoned me. I’m beginning to run out of food, and the batteries in my flashlight are low. I’m very scared and lonely. Luckily, there is a mailbox inside his ass. If anybody is reading this, please help. I have tried to escape while Dustin was having a bowel movement, but my shoe got caught on a sphincter ring. I also tried to escape while someone named JP sucked Dustin’s ass. He didn’t suck hard enough. Every thirty minutes, I’m am sprayed with somebody’s jism. This frightens me the most, as many diseases are easily transmitted through spunk, and poo, and of course blood. I have built a makeshift tent out of used condoms I found in the small intestine. I’ve gotten used to the horrible stench, but I’m scared that the large sewer rats will attack me.
-A Small Retarded Boy

If anybody receives this message, please send help.

Like others before me, I too have somehow become trapped within Dustin Diamond’s enlarged, stretched colon cavity. I don’t know if I have shrunk or what, but it is literally like being in a large, moist cave. So far it has been nearly two weeks since I last saw real daylight. I know I am not alone in here because I often hear voices echoing farther down in his colon cavity, but I am unable to see anything due to the darkness. At one point I even struggled with a large hairy ’something’ over a small kernel of undigested corn that I had found. Unfortunately I lost the struggle, but I did manage to get away from it when it attempted to sexually assault me, but I am now pantless as a result.

So far, I have attempted to escape Dustin’s colon several times by trying to catch a ride on one of the many shit logs that pass through here occasionally. At one point I nearly succeeded in escaping when a very wet and mucousy fart, followed by a tsunami of diarrhea, carried me towards a long tunnel of light leading to the outside world. Unfortunately, before I managed to exit the tunnel, a large black fleshy penis ended up shoving me BACK UP into the darkness of Dustin’s colon again, immediately followed by a thick spray of hot salty semen which hit me so hard that it blew my shirt apart and knocked me unconscious. When I finally regained consciousness, I was completely naked and covered in several layers of moist shit, sticky mucous, and rancid semen, all of which I was forced to lick off myself out of pure desperation for food and nourishment. I have since grown addicted to semen as a result, of which there is large quantities of, thanks to the several ejaculating penises which pop in and out of here every couple hours.

If anybody out there receives this message, please send help as soon as possible. I can only live off of shit nuggets and semen deposits for so long and have grown frail and weak as a result. Please help.

Sincerely,
John McJohnson

Diamond, let’s get together for manly love. Come over to my place and I’ll undress for you - then you can French-kiss my sphincter! I’ll leave a “turtle-head” sticking out of my cornhole in case you get the munchies!!! - Kurt Steinberg