Another Public Service Announcement.
This is another public service announcement from howtokillpeople.com and this one is for the guys.
Volkswagens are for girls. Quit driving them.
Now typically cars are a guy thing. It’s one of the great equalizers of man kind. There is no greater gathering place for men than a garage, with tools and beer, tinkering on a car. Actually, a strip club is also a great meeting place for men as well. You know what would be a great idea: A place where men could take their cars to be worked on by hot, nekkid, chicks as more nekkid chicks served beer and hot wings.
“Yes, I need a topless tune up, two pitchers of pabst, two dozen hot wings, a lap dance, and a full nude oil change.” GOD DAMN THAT WOULD RULE! Though you would probably have to limit the type of work nekkid chicks do on cars, on slip up and a hot chick loses a nipple.
Speaking of hot chicks; do you know what the car of choice is for hot chicks? (other than a Ferrari driven by a rich doctor. The gold digging whores) A god damn Volkswagen. You know who else drives Volkswagens? Gay Guys. Here’s a picture to help illustrate my point.
This is a picture of a guy standing proudly next to his custom jetta. There are two things missing from this picture. Can you guess what they are? If you guessed “The hot chick who’s supposed to be driving it” you’re right. The second thing missing is a little harder to notice. If you look really carefully you’ll notice that this guy’s boyfriend is also not in the picture. As you can see: My theory stands proven, VWs are girls cars.
I also decided to conduct a survey of girls I know, personally, that drive Volkswagens.
Question One: Are Volkswagens girls cars?
Answer: Five out of five said yes.
Question Two: Are guys who drive VWs gay?
Answer: Four out of five said yes. The other refused to answer because she didn’t like my use of the word gay.
Question Three: Can you explain to me why certain guys, who claim to be straight, obsess over there VWs?
Answer: Three girls said because he’s still in the closet. One girl said is was so the guy could impress his boyfriend and prove that he’s the butch in the relationship. The last girl just made a fisting motion in the air.
Now let me break from the questionnaire for a moment. I understand men working on their cars. My dad used to customize cars as a hobby. But he worked on classic cars. Vehicles that were monstrous pieces of metallic art work. Not these flimsy pieces of fiberglass chick shit. Last Question.
Question Five: Is it useless to customize your car with DVD players, big fins, game consoles, and NoS? Especially considering the car is better suited to have your mother or girlfriend drive it?
Answer: Five out of five said yes. One girl added, “What’s the point of buying a shitty car for twenty thousand dollars and then dumping fifteen grand into it when you could have purchased a decent car for thirty five thousand in the first place?” Too true, young lady, too true.
That brings me to my final point: Why the fuck are you euro-ing out your shitty chick mobiles? What the fuck is the point of putting a super sized wing on the ass end of your car? What the fuck is the point of putting nos in your VW? You’re not living in the middle of “The Fast and The Furious”. All you’re doing is adding to the possibility that if you get into an accident, your car will explode. Good job dipshit. Dumping all of that money into a girls car doesn’t make you more of a man. If you cover ten tons of shit with gold all you have is shiny hill of shit
For those of you who still don’t believe me: The god damned beetle has a built in flower holder for the love of Christ. So guys, do yourselves a favor, if you do drive a VW, give it to your girlfriend, sister, or mother. If you insist on driving a Volkswagen go get a copy of Justin Timberlake’s single “Cry Me A River” and put it on infinite repeat, because you’re a bigger woman than he is.
June 19th, 2006 at 5:13 am
I’m disappointed. I was hoping that somehow you found/cheaply made a picture of a pile of shit covered in gold.
Oh well.
June 20th, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Could not agree more!
Do you happen to have a picture of one of those cars your pops worked on?
June 20th, 2006 at 11:21 pm
BlackOps:
It was a ‘37 Ford 5-window coupe. ANd I had started on a ‘46 Chevy Pick up, but lost interest.
June 21st, 2006 at 2:49 am
Yup.
June 21st, 2006 at 2:49 am
Ummm, that applies to those Hondas that look like the VW pic you posted with this. I’ve seen those things tricked out with the rims and stereo and all that extra stuff and really WONDERED what the hell those guys are thinking!!
June 21st, 2006 at 5:11 pm
Travis, can you let me know where to get one of those ultra-chicked-out VW’s? I want to buy one for my husband just to remind him who the butch one is.
June 24th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I gotta share this…I’m driving to work on Thursday and right in front of me is a silver Beetle with a wing on the back. The plates say, “Member Me.” I laughed so fuckin’ hard cuz all I could think of was this post!
July 3rd, 2006 at 2:28 pm
just bought a jetta and I was thinking of sucking balls-give me a call if your down.
July 4th, 2006 at 9:27 am
Fuck, yeah! It’s about time someone stepped up to the plate and told it like it is. It’s no surprise considering the massive amount of faggotry coming from Germany these days… Techno Clubs, Eurostyle, etc. Reject the pussification of the American Male. Buy a goddamned Ford.
August 14th, 2006 at 5:03 am
Oh my God!!! That’s fuckin great, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Nice pics by the way……
October 25th, 2006 at 5:40 am
you want one and you just convinced everyone you do!!!!
…1969 ghia….10.69 1/4
October 25th, 2006 at 6:01 am
Nate -
I have no idea what those numbers mean.
And when did your girlfriend let you use the computer?
April 1st, 2007 at 9:35 pm
You realize that’s an AWD 1000HP golf you have at the bottom of the page right?
And anyone who likes to bash on inanimate objects to degrade others and make himself feel more manly about what he drives has bigger problems than faggotry.
April 2nd, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Khaos,
You do realize that I don’t care what you think right?
April 6th, 2007 at 8:03 am
1st things first…if you think going and buying a shitty ass Ford is for some god aweful reason better than any car thats gonna come out of Germany then you are highly mistaken… the reason alot of Males and also females buy VWs is because of the engineering behind them,I really cant think of another car that is gonna last well past 300000 miles can you… i own several cars i have muscle cars a 95 mustang gts a 98 cobra, a 87 camaro, and i also have a jetta and the funny thing is, is that i would rather drive the jetta than any of them because it is well built!
MY MAIN POINT IS A VW IS GOING TO OUT LAST ANY OTHER CAR OUT THERE THAT YOU CLAIM ARE “GUY CARS”
July 18th, 2007 at 6:29 am
Wolfie - you pitiful furfag, you.
First of all, learn to spell.
Second, GTFO my internets.
That is all.
Steve
August 10th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I’ve had at least one car that this could apply to, and I liked my car. My opinions, however, are irrelevant in the face of shit thats this damn funny!! Keep up the excellent work so that unfunny people such as myself do not lose the joy of laughter.
January 17th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Travis,
There is nothing wrong with driving, owning, and even customizing a VW. I have owned four VWs, and have customized all of them to a certain extent. I’m not gay. I don’t suck dicks. I don’t like getting assfucked, and I don’t take cumshots to the grill. And niether do/are all the guys I know who share my enthusiasm for the brand. I also don’t like big spoilers, game consoles, DVD players in cars (honda guys and pig-ass SUV drivers are more guilty of this by the way), nor do I ever intend on adding nitrous oxide injection to my car.
As a side note, the fact that you are gullible enough to believe the stupidity of “The Fast and the Furious” speaks volumes. NO2 is not flammable. It will not explode. It works by making the combustion of gasoline more efficient and complete, as well as cooling down the charge (also more power.) Just because I know about it doesn’t mean I would ever use it, however.
Furthermore, since when did fucking CHICKS become car experts? Oh I’m impressed. You interviewed 5 girls about automobiles. Really intriguing. Whats next, are you going to ask for advice on how to pick up women from a zit-faced computer geek? It would make just about as much sense.
The one part of your entry I actually can’t chop into pieces with common sense or any sort of knowledge of the subject at hand is: yes, New Beetles do come with flower vases as standard equipment. And yes, I would honestly say that the VW New Beetle is very much a chick car. But that is one model in a diverse lineup from the brand. Just as with people, one “gay” in a group does not make the whole group gay.
Next time, do some research on a topic like this before you make yourself look ignorant on your own webpage.
I’d really be interested to know what sort of vehicle you drive, if any. If I had to guess, its probably some vanilla-styled domestic turd that will depreciate faster than a motherfucker and will be embarrasing to drive within 4 years because its such a boring/terribly made piece of shit.
Either that or you made this whole post because you drive a Honda Civic and you can’t stand people/cars that are so much nicer than yours even if they’re stock.