V for Vendetta: A review.
originally posted on April 7th 2006, right before I went to the wachowski household and beat them with squid
What’s the difference between slamming your dick in a car door and watching V for Vendetta? V for Vendetta drags the excruciating pain out for almost two hours and tries to disguise itself as entertainment. I can’t remember the last time I went to watch a film and came out happy. Each and every time I forego the idea of downloading a new release — and actually expend the energy to put on pants and go to the theater — I am left with a sudden urge to gnaw off my tongue and choke to death on it. The most recent peanut laden turd-log of a film is the newest addition to the filmography of the Wachowski brothers: V for Vendetta. While I think the film sucks out loud, critics are just clambering over each other to fellate Larry and Andy Wachowski on the stellar job they’ve done. Well the critics are wrong. Wrong like Michael Jackson having custody of his kids is wrong. Wrong like serving free ham at a Bah Mitzvah is wrong. Wrong like showing Keanu Reeve’s ass in a major motion picture is wrong. Seeing as how I am smarter than EVERY MOVIE CRITIC EVERYWHERE…EVER, and I don’t have to worry about not being invited to the next A-list Hollywood party for running off at the mouth and offending everyone. I now present to you:
10: The original writer of the movie completely divested himself from the film. This should be the first sign that a movie is going to suck. Any writer would be ecstatic to have one of their ideas made into a big budget, studio, film. It means a substantial paycheck and validation as a professional. Alan Moore saw the direction the Wachowski’s were taking his idea and walked away from the project in totality. The studio should have seen this as a giant red flag and shit-canned the film. But no, they figured the Wachowski name would be enough to carry this piece of crap. Attention everyone at Warner Brothers…I hope you get STDs.
9: I figured out the TRUTH about this film.
Sometime during the making of The Matrix: Reloaded Larry Wachowski left his wife, started dating a dominatrix, wearing women’s underwear, and from all appearances…started taking women’s hormones.(click the picture to see the larger image) This movie is not about political revolution, it’s Larry Wachowski’s cry for sexual acceptance. This, I believe, is why Alan Moore ran away from this movie so fast that flames shot out of his ass. The Character V is the master of the movie. He wears a stylized gimp mask, has a secret dungeon where he keeps people, and he likes inflicting pain up close and personal, which is why he carries knives instead of guns. The second most important tertiary character, the TV station manager, is a gay masochist. The entire movie is about people outside of the sexual norm striking out against the sexual standard. I really don’t care what fetishes people have. If you want someone to tie you up and shove popsicles up your ass…well good for you, it’s just not for me. But if I wanted to watch a movie about someone’s cry for sexual acceptance I’d go watch brokeback mountain or my own private Idaho, not something that is sold to the masses as a popcorn-munching, summer, action flick.
8: COHESION. The entire middle third of the movie had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film. Oh sure it had some minor sub-plot points, but those could have been covered in about 7 minutes or so. For anyone looking into becoming a writer do the world a favor and read Aristotle’s: Poetics. You don’t even have to buy the text here’s a link to it online. Aristotle set down the basic framework for the three act story structure. Here it is in it’s simplest form: ACT ONE: Introduce the characters and set the protagonist on their journey. ACT TWO: Set roadblocks to be overcome. Build antagonist/protagonist struggle. Act two should end with the protagonist seemingly being unable to accomplish the task and defeat the the antagonist. ACT THREE: The final confrontation between antagonist and protagonist, the outcome, and then tying up loose ends and sub-plots. This movie sucked bad enough that it botched up the easiest ending ever. Instead of V killing the president that’s been oppressing him, one of the president’s staff does it in front of V and then he battles a group of nameless thugs. It was the shittiest ending ever because the good guy didn’t defeat the bad guy. The good guy let another bad guy beat the ultimate bad guy and looked impotent, as a do-gooder, in the process. The best part of the ending was the V died, which should mean no possibility of a sequel.
7: The fancy looking domino scene. What the fuck was the point of this? Sure it’s visually appealing but if you step into the reality of the movie you have to think ‘Is this guy fighting for freedom or proving that British guys are better at dominoes than those wacky Asians?’ Honestly. He’s about to walk into the big showdown with the big bad guy and he decides to play with his toys? Really? Oh sure other movies have used this trick before: The Crow and Daredevil come to mind, but compared to this piece of schlock they did it tastefully. And anytime you say a movie starring Ben Affleck was better than a movie you just watched, you know that you just killed a little bit of your soul.
6: NO ROBOTS: These days how can you have a movie, based in a distopian future, without robots? The fact that it had robots would not have saved this movie — mainly because they would have turned them into some sort of robot sex slave. Shit, The Matrix movies had all sorts of super cool evil robots and they still fucked that series up seven ways from Sunday. This movie could have definitely benefited from the liberal use of killer robots. At least then I would’ve had someone to cheer for.
5: Natalie Portman. First off: Natalie Portman’s British accent is absolutely atrocious. I have a British Friend and having heard a British accent first hand I can say that Natalie Portman doing a British accent is something akin to a donkey singing opera. On top of that; if you shave Natalie Portman’s head she looks like, and has the tits and ass of, a ten year old boy. If you wanted to cast a woman who looks like a little boy you could’ve cast Winona Rider because then I could fantasize that she’d blow me for a perkaset.
4: The lack of a real action star. That’s one of the key components missing in this movie. No one believes that V is capable of defeating the bad guys. Who would be better? Who does everyone know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would kick everyone’s ass? CHUCK MOTHER-FUCKING NORRIS! That’s right, I’m jumping on the internet band wagon of making Chuck Norris a god…and rightfully so. Chuck Norris wouldn’t need accomplices or explosives to bring down a corrupt government. All he would need is a sneer, a roundhouse kick, and a denim shirt with no sleeves and he would’ve blown up parliament.
There’s a rumor going around that the sequel to The Passion of The Christ: Christ Harder, had to be scrapped because Chuck Norris was unavailable to play the part of god. There were also script problems. Apparently no one could handle Chuck Norris telling Jesus to, “Quit being a pussy and take it like a man.” At this point in the script Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick and wipes out humanity. No Chuck Norris? Wachowski’s, what were you thinking?
3: The political message. Holy god you people weren’t even subtle this time. Blah Blah Blah George Bush is bad. Blah Blah Blah George Bush hates fags. This movie might as well had a poster that said, “If you’re queer and hate bush, boy have we got a movie for you.” Look, we all know that you folks in Hollywood hate George Bush okay. WE GET IT…so it’s time to let it go. You only have to put up with him for two more years and then we can all elect a new bicycle seat sniffer to sit in the big chair. So how’s about we all agree to leave modern day political analysis out of movies…sound good? Okay then. You can all resume sitting in a corner sucking your thumb until the primaries in 2008.
2:Keanu Reeves’ Ass. Oh sure it wasn’t in this movie, but no movie ever should show keanu’s pasty white man ass. The Wachowski brothers shouldn’t have been allowed near a camera…EVER…after filming a scene with a naked Keanu Reeves. Just thinking about it made me throw up in my mouth a little.
1: Larry Wachowski. Since he was responsible for the adaptation of this movie from comic to film I think the sole blame for this appalling film rests on his shoulders. Now you may be asking yourself,”But the brothers work as a team. How can he blame just one of them?” WATCH ME. As I said somewhere in number nine that Larry started dating a dominatrix during the making of the second matrix film. Well, ever since Larry embarked on his alternative lifestyle his ability to write anything worth two tugs of a dead dog’s dick has completely gone down the tubes. However, his ability to pepper his writing with all of his fetishist leanings has been completely overt. Just look at how the bad guys changed from The Matrix to Revolutions. All of sudden, instead of just guys in suits and SWAT team members, now we have people who own fetish clubs and bad-guys in all leather bondage gear and gimp masks. And no one can argue the fact that the matrix two and three paled in comparison to the first one. I blame all of this on Larry’s inability to separate his professional and personal life. Though I have to admit that his girlfriend made out pretty well in the whole deal. Living with the demented Wachowski brother has to be better than living with the odd-ball pornstar she was dating. His name is Buck Angel…”A partial female to male transexual, better known in the pron world as THE DUDE WITH A PUSSY.” (I so wish I was making this shit up.)
And there you have it. Ten amazingly sound reasons why you should not only NEVER see V for Vendetta but also, for precautionary measures, you should return everything Matrix related that you’ve ever purchased. This movies fails on such a grand scale that I think I’d almost rather watch anything starring Ashton Kutcher, as long as it showed him being disemboweled by an ill-tempered homeless man or a being clubbed with the prosthetic leg of a war veteran. I am officially giving up on going to the theater until X-Men III comes out. Unfortunately that too will probably suck beacuse Bryan Singer left a successful franchise to attempt to re-launch the lamest movie series ever: SUPERMAN. I’ve had it, I’m going to go watch wrestling now, at least I know what I’m getting into with that shit.
July 25th, 2006 at 6:07 am
Your review seems to be more of a personal attack on Larry Wachowski then an acutal critique on the film. It also highly apparent that you have not read the book, which would is never more apparent than in several of your “THE TOP TEN REASONS I WOULD RATHER POOR BLEACH IN MY EYES THAN WATCH V FOR VENDETTA”
8: COHESION. In this point you have misdirected your blame, the general plotline of the film was very close to the general plotline of the book. In the paragraph you also imply that any story that does not follow the outline is poorly written. This kind of thinking stifles creativity, if everyone wrote like this we would be regurgitating the same basic stories over and over again. Diversity; something you seem to have a problem with.
7: The fancy looking domino scene.
In addition to this scene taking place in the book. The scene represents how V orchestrated the whole scenario. It signified that he was in full control of the situation. V likes analogies, it makes sense.
6: NO ROBOTS:
Probably the most idiotic reason out of them all. Robots? This is based in the not to distant future. When the book was written it was based 13 in the future. Also there were no robots in the book. The Wachowski brothers were not going to take something as far fetched as robots and add them into a story that had an evident lack of them.
4: The lack of a real action star.
…
In the movie as well as the book, V’s face is never shown. Hiring Chuck Norris to play V would make very little sense. You would only hear his voice, which would not lend itself in a positive way to this film. Also your claim that “No one believes that V is capable of defeating the bad guys.” is without basis. How can you tell what V is capable of from his voice? Actions speak louder than words.
In addition, had this movie come out two years ago, I can gurantee that you would not have been angry that Chuck Norris did not play V. You and many others have suddenly become smitten due to popularity of Chuck Norris jokes.
3: The political message.
Parallels between V for Vendetta and George W. Bush have nothing to do with the writers. The leader in the movie was essentialy the same as the leader in the book. Adam Sutler is suppose to be a generic facist and racist leader. He is more like Hitler than George Bush. You assume too much, just because the leader is a racist fascist, doesnt mean that he represents George Bush. This is another example of your ignorance.
2:Keanu Reeves’ Ass.
Just because you could only think of nine reasons, doesnt give you the right to critisize a movie for something that was in no way related to it.
1: Larry Wachowski
Im not saying what this guy did to himself isnt fucked up (which is most definetly is), but this has nothing to do with the movie. Frankly it appears that the majority of the article is simply an attack on the Wachowski brothers, not the film.
Summary
You are ignorant. You dont do any research. You assume. Im not saying your an idiot, just an asshole who precludes himself from being able to accurately judje any form of art due to his prejudices.
August 7th, 2006 at 2:49 am
I just saw V for Vendetta last night and I agree with most of this review. In fact, 2 of my friends, on separate occasions, left early because they were too tired to finish this borefest. While the political message has been said over and over in books such as 1984 and films such as Equilibrium, the execution was lacking. This movie could have easily lopped off 60 minutes and still been entertaining. Waiting over 2 hours to see 2 buildings blow up as a political statement is a waste of time. After the first Matrix, the Wachowski brothers haven’t created anything remotely creative.
August 9th, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Your review is excellent. I agree with everything you wrote, including the motivation of Wachowski to force his bizarre sexual views on everyone.
August 22nd, 2006 at 9:27 am
the only thing I agree with is that Ben Affleck sucks. Nobody can doubt that. It would be funny if he burnt to death in a pond of petroleum.
August 30th, 2006 at 8:43 am
Excellent review, almost wet me pants laughing while reading it, though I must admit the umbrage the asshat in #1 takes at your review is equally entertaining.
Also, may God have mercy and not strike me down, I think Natalie is actually rather hot. Okay, okay maybe she lacks the heaving bosoms (and vacant mind, kind of direct relationship there), I’d still hit that…
October 17th, 2006 at 3:19 am
What is it with Affleck? I like many of his movies, but I don’t like the guy. He’s kinda of a joke, in my opinion, and I can’t put my finger on why.
October 19th, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Sounds like Keanu did a great job in The Lake House. I am sure my wife will want to see that one. She always wants to see chick flicks. I would never see these movies by myself. But I end up liking them.
December 6th, 2006 at 1:55 am
It’s amazing how much publicity Brokeback Mountain got because of the male relationships in it.
December 22nd, 2006 at 1:45 am
I love that review! The movie i could have done bettter with and i have no script writing experience and no film experience whatsoever. I think the Wachowski brothers have really blown it….maybe even literally. You know the only reason that hollywood lets them get away with this crap is cause The Matrix did so well….but lets face it the sequels were crap.
If anything people spend there fucking money to escape for a couple hours and go on a cheap vacation….and this movie made me feel like i was sitting through the SAT Prep course you can take in high school….YUCK!!!
January 20th, 2007 at 8:47 am
It is quite obvious that you certainly have no fucking clue as to the amount of levels this movie can be analyzed.
This is NOT an action movie and it is NOT intended to be one.
I can understand your ignorance, what I can’t understand is how you have the balls to post it for everyone to read about it.
Go and watch “The fast and the furious” or something that is linear for you to understand.
January 21st, 2007 at 3:52 am
This is a great review of the movie! I have to agree with pretty much everything you said. I’m a film major and looked at the “great reviews” on other internet sights. Got to about the middle of the movie and had to turn off the DVD. My god, Hollywood liberals are getting more confident in pushing there ideology. No wonder box office profits have been dropping. Of coarse, the liberals who saw this review were appalled, it really got there panties in a twist. If you read up on what Alan Moore (the original writer of the comic book V for Vendetta)had to say about the movie it will definitly give you insight as to the real differences in the message in the comic versus the movie.
March 18th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
This was the most F*cked up review ever! How old are you? 13? The movie was great! It shows the true side of governments…they will do anything to gain power…even if they have to kill their own people. If you didn’t like the movie you are either stupid or didn’t understand it.
March 24th, 2007 at 8:15 am
i agree with what you said on Larry Wachowski. The movie would have been better without him…But, it’s not a bad movie imo. This review was pure bashing… The only good point you’re making is about Larry.
April 9th, 2007 at 4:04 am
say what!!????
did you actually watch this movie?? do you have a brain? do you know anything about life? V for Vendetta was wonderful! there was so much that was seriously relevant…..go watch it again. and stay awake this time.
May 26th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Thank god! I thought I was the only one who hated V for Vendetta as being a trite overproduced predictable piece of shit presumably about sticking it to the Man.
December 11th, 2007 at 2:20 am
What the the fucking hell? This is the stupidest, most ignorant review i’ve ever read. Do yourself a favour, never watch a good film again, stick to what you can understand; tits, fast cars and explosions. Not a single intelligent statement came out of this review…god i read such trashy shit.
Aristotle wrote the Poetics around about middle age which was the 2400+ years ago, why are you expecting modern film makers to adhere to these conventions?! They have been disregarded since Shakespearian times, if all stories followed these guidelines, what the fuck would be the point in trying to create something new?!
Alan Moore disassociated himself from the movie because of what he thought were misshandlings of his two prior comic-to-movie adaptations; Hell Boy and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. If you’re going to let the people in on the background details, do not misinterpret the information for your own gains, though it’s hardly surprising you did as YOUR right wing media-cunts do it all the time.
Your accusations of Larry Wachowski’s sexuality ‘making this movie crap’ are ridiculous! Why would his personal life would mark a decline in his work? Perhaps you feel he’s using the media to try and make you a gay something-or-rather, which is quite insecure if you ask me.
Oh, and none of that review was funny in the least, fucking Chuck Norris…
P.S. I’m British and thought Natalie Portman’s accent was good.
December 11th, 2007 at 2:22 am
Alan Moore did From Hell
Mike Mignola did Hell Boy
It would have taken you less than three minutes to research that fact on this here interweb. Now your entire point is impotent and without merit.
Good day sir.
And by sir I mean sixteen year old girl who lives in England and who’s favorite movie is the notebook..you are officially not allowed to judge anyone’s thoughts on movies until you’re at least old enough to vote.
I SAID GOOD DAY!
January 21st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
i actually thought i was in the minority.. but no one could have done more justice to this fucking piece of drivel than this jem of an article.
January 21st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Idiotic review. As someone said earlier, it’s just bashing someone, and I guess this is a homepage like that but with this you have reached a low (high?) point even for yourself.
The movie rocked and it reminds us all what a government -no matter what it calls itself, can do if we let it out of our sight.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Good movie in my opinion. Here’s your article, broken down to its basics
OMG HES A HOMOSEXUAL!!!LOLZZZZZ!!!!THERES HOMOSEXUALS IN THE MOVIE!!!LOLZZZZZ!!!!NATALI PORTMANS ACCENT SUCKED CUZ I KNOW ONE BRITISH DUDE!!!LOLZZZZ!!!ITS GOT A POLITICAL MESSAGE SO IT SUCKS!!!LOLZZZ!!!!IT WOULDA BEEN BETTER IF THEY USED CHUCK NORRIS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!(insert chuck norris joke here so ppl laugh)
Jesus christ man, you sound like a frat boy. Grow up.
There, my article was about as good as informative as your own.