Utah: A waste of EVERYTHING!!!
originally posted right after July 4th 2005
I don’t know what in Christ’s teeth possessed me to go to Utah for the Fourth of July instead of staying home lighting bottle rockets out of my ass, but that is an indelible scar that will never heal. Mapquest marks the trip as being about 700 miles which should take us about ten hours. The plan was to leave Saturday afternoon and return Tuesday evening. At the last minute, however, we were joined but one of my step-brothers who brought along his wife, their large German Sheppard, a 19 inch television, a playstation2 and too top it off, he had to be back at work by five a.m. Tuesday morning. So we end up not leaving Sacramento until one a.m. Sunday morning, half the van is overcrowded with his shit and we are going to spend more time driving than we are in Utah. I came to find out later that anytime spent in Utah is too long. In the past I have determined that Texas, Mississippi, and Oklahoma should all be walled off and used as nuclear testing sites…well, i am moving Utah to the top of that list.
Utah is, by far, that most hideously boring place that I have ever had the displeasure of wasting time in. I don’t know who drew up the boundary lines for the state but i want to meet the tool who looked out over the vast expanse of dull that is the salt flats and said You see all those pretty things way off in the distance, like trees and mountains? yeah, we don’t want any of that shit in our state. Just stop the boundary line at the end of this desolate wasteland. That oughtta keep the normal people out. Add onto that the fact Utah is governed by ridiculous rules mandated by the dominant religion in the state. As far as i can tell Utah has outlawed: Music, Colors and Fun. they have also outlawed anyone without a waspy disposition from residing within the state borders. To make matters worse you can only buy hard liquor from state sanctioned liquor stores, which are all closed on Sunday. Having been forewarned of this atrocious rule, I came prepared. After driving twelve hours we finally arrived at our hotel. I decided that I would be better off paying for my own hotel room and not suffering through sharing a room with one of my step-brothers who snores like a freight train running over broken glass. The first thing I did, after I checked in, was set up my personal, portable bar.
click the picture to see what I feel is important to bring traveling with me.
I had a couple of martinis and took a shower. Once i was all freshened up i called everyone and announced that happy hour was now open in my room. The person happiest about this, other than myself, was my Mother. Who knew she was a fan of Martinis? (now I know where I get it from)
This is the sign that sits on the Utah border with the proud slogan: Utah, still the place to be . That’s a load of horseshit. After all I have described do you really think that Utah has any redeeming qualities? I have a new sign that I would like to put on the Utah border because it actually tells the truth.
People of Utah, I am putting you on notice: If an alien race ever comes looking for human slaves, I am giving your asses up first.
December 12th, 2006 at 9:23 am
I couldn’t agree more with wiping Utah and Mississippi off the map. Oakies are alright but there beer sux ass(it has almost half the alcohol content of our beer), but Texas? Dallas and Houston and Deffinately Austin and maybe San Antonio just to get rid of some of the wetbacks, can go but come on dude, the whole state? have you ever even been here?
January 11th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
Leave out mountains and trees?? What the fuck are you talking about? Did you even really come to Utah. All of northern Utah is mountains. Utahs real slogan is “The best snow on earth”. That snow doesn’t fall in the desolite salt flats, retard. It falls in the mountains, which Utah has an abundance of. But I do agree, Oklahoma is one of the most stupid states there is.
March 24th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
In all fairness, Utah does have the Park City Ski Resort, which makes for a great time even when you’re not skiing. Maybe they can just cut down the state borders to surround the ski resort. After that, I agree. But I love the new State slogan. It made me laugh hard out loud before I was halfway through my first cup of coffee, so now my head is splitting, but it was worth it.
July 9th, 2007 at 9:18 am
Utah sucks.. I’ve lived here my whole life.. But Utah is one of the most beautiful states I’ve been to, and I’ve been to a lot of them.. If they could just sent in a large armed force to kill every mormon in the state, and then replace the government with a few people who are not convinced that the act of having a good time will put you in hell.. Even if it will, let us make our own choices.. We’d be doing alright.. New laws, new people.. Just whipe the mormon’s out, and eliminate any history they have ever been.. It’s just a cult anyways..
August 14th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Actually, dumbass Utahn, Utah’s slogan is: “Life Elevated.”
On the license plates, however, of which there are two styles, there are two: “The greatest snow on earth.” And, “A Pretty Great State.”
Durr.
The latter two slogans are printed PROMINENTLY on both of the two styles of license plates that the state manufactures. You probably look at about 10,000 of them daily.
As for the boringness of Utah, I lived there for 10 years. I hate snow, so that sucked, but I didn’t mind it. The movie SLC Punk does give a fairly realistic portrayal of what it is like to live there, in some regards.