HowToKillPeople.com|

originally put online by angry monkeys in the summer of 2005

I hate the summer, hate it with as much passion as I hate hippies stinking of petculli. I just spent two weeks in Southern California on some training exercises for The Big Guy where the temperatures were mild and there was a constant coastal breeze only to return to Sacramento Valley where there is no breeze and the ninety degree drive home in my car with no air conditioning causes my balls to sweat obtrusively. I can handle the winter because when I get cold I can just keep putting on more and more clothes until I warm up. In the summer, however, once I have stripped naked and my bare ass has taken up permanent residence in the crisper drawer of the fridge to ward off taint sweat, if I am still hot, I am pretty much fucked. Let’s compound this by the fact that in summer children are released from the constraints of daytime schooling and are free to run amuck. Aren’t there supposed to be some sort of leash laws to prevent these obnoxious shitheads from ruining my time at the movies on my day off?

When I returned from SoCal I found out that The Dude was back in town on leave, having graduated school, so he and I went out to do what it is that we do best: get all smacked up on cheap booze and chicken wings. After an evening of heavy drinking and gorging ourselves on greasy bar food we returned to my house and promptly passed out somewhere between three a.m. and sunrise. Normally I am all for a good night of drunken sleep. Come about ten in the morning, just after realizing I didn’t need to hold on to the bed to keep from falling off the earth, and right before I realized I was sleeping on the floor of my bedroom, I was woken by the sound of the neighborhood children running amuck on a Monday morning. When I am hungover I don’t even want to hear my own breathing, let alone the high pitched squeal of the ankle biters next door. At ten a.m. they’re running rampant on those god awful pocket bikes and squealing like a giddy Whitney Houston at a free crack give-away, as they splash around on a slip n slide. I decided, right then and there, that the best way to end a slip n slide is with live alligators.

My thought process behind this is several fold:
1 Stupid people breed stupid people, my slip n slide would cure that. Let’s look at some examples shall we? Recently there were a couple of shark attacks along Florida beaches that caused the death of one girl, and caused a boy to have his leg amputated. Did the Florida authorities do anything to close the beaches and prevent attacks until they could be sure that the risk was low? Nope, notafuckingchance.

This picture is of the stupidest family in America. It was taken about 80 miles down the coast from the first two shark attacks (which took place at the same god damned beach). The thing circled in red is a large Bull shark (the same kind of shark that attacked other two kids). Obviously in this picture it appears as if the family notices something menacing in the water. What conversation happened between this group of in-breeders that caused them to go wading?

In-Breeder One: Hey honey aren’t we just miles down the coast from where those two kids were attacked by sharks?
In-Breeder Two:Yup
In-Breeder One: Weren’t one of them kids killed?
In-Breeder Two: Yup
In-Breeder One: Wanna take the whole family out for a walk on the beach and play in the ocean?
In-Breeder Two: Yup.
FUCKING MORONS! What’s even better is there is another picture taken, mere seconds later, of the same in breeder family.

Check out the cocksmith who decided he would go walking out into the water to check out the large ominous shadow. If this guy gets eaten by a shark, it’s his own damn fault.I was actually disappointed to not see a news release the following day explaining that a retarded family, wading in the ocean off of the Florida coast, was attacked and eaten by a shark. Personally speaking, I don’t think it’s tragic when someone gets attacked by a shark. Wanna know why? BECAUSE YOU WENT INTO THE SHARKS HOME! You have to accept a certain amount of responsibility if you know that there are large creatures, capable of attacking and killing a human, swimming in the ocean and you go out there. If you were sitting in your home and a large shark came into your house and ate you, that would be tragic, but if you go swimming in an area known to have sharks and you get attacked by a shark, you should’ve seen it coming. I’m not alone in this line of thinking. My friend Steph is in line with this and even received some hate-mail due to an article she wrote based on this ideology.

This is natural selection people all I am planning on doing is speeding up the process. How does this relate to a slip n slide with live alligators? easy: Do you think little Billy may not grow up to be smart enough to do anything except make sure my fries are piping hot and ensure that my oil gets changed in thirty minutes or less? Test him. Offer him the slip n slide with live alligators. If he takes one look at it and gives you the finger, you have an intelligent child capable of, at the very least, basic survival. If little Billy decides to chance it and gets eaten by the gators…well….he was probably headed for disaster anyway.

2 Much like a culling of the herd, this will serve to ensure the survival of the fittest. I am sick and god damned tired of idiots in my world and, frankly, would love to employ live alligators as the basic survival test for all human beings. The slip n slide 4,000,000,000 ( or SnS 4Bizzle as the kids are fond of calling it) would help to ensure the smart kids survive and that the kids who are destined to eat paste and end up in the emergency room with several crayons shoved up their nose don’t make it to adult hood where all they will do is dirty up the gene pool and watch Nascar. This will lead to several revolutions in the fields of science, human evolution, pro wrestling, hand guns, and super-huge cheeseburgers and you’ll have me to thank for it. I will be a bastion of human hope. Of course not every dumb child is going to be exposed to the SnS 4Billion, which is okay, because someone has to make the drive thrus work, and someone has to rotate and balance my tires. The children who survive in my world will create robot ninjas that I can use as personal slaves and bodyguards. They will save the world…all thanks to my improved slip n slide.

3 The God Damned kids next door would no longer wake me up with their shrill little squeals, and I wouldn’t be forced to walk outside, hung over, in a thong to get them to shut up so I could concentrate on not barfing and go back to sleep.

Monday is the fourth of July, which, as far I am concerned, is a government sanction for me to get drunk and blow things up. Not wanting to blow up my neighborhood I have decided to join my Mom and Stepdad on a roadtrip to Utah to visit with his family for the Fourth.
This should be interesting.
I’m bringing a mini-bar.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 22nd, 2006 at 4:39 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.