In Honor of Mother’s Day
originally posted may 16th 2006
For those of you who may have forgotten, Mother’s Day just passed. Now for most of you mom is the woman who birthed you, fed you, wiped your ass and basically taught you how not to be a slobbering, cross eyed ass face. Something that has probably never crossed your mind, however, is the fact that at some point in time your mom was hot enough for some guy to pick up at a bar and have sex with. Unfortunately there is always the converse; some guy drank most of a fifth of Crown Royal and decided that your mom was the loosest thing left at last call. Well no matter which one your mommy was, in honor of Mother’s Day I present to you:
Coming in at number five is the wife of The Governor of California: Maria Shriver. If this woman and Tony Robbins ever had a kid it would be ninety percent teeth. This woman has a face that even Mr. Ed would have to put a paper sack over. Could you imagine waking up, as a child, to the gaping maw of this demon?
Number four is Brooke Shields. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me she’s not a man; or at the very least, a post-op tranny. By herself, with no special effects, she’s the attack of the fifty foot woman. I feel bad for Andre Agassi because he was married to a woman with a bigger penis than his.
Numero tres is actually a bit of a shame because it’s the reformed cock-holstering whore Madonna. I remember hitting puberty and staying up late to watch 120 minutes, on MTV, hoping to catch a glimpse of her Erotica video so I could masturbate violently in the bathroom. All the while hoping my own mother didn’t know what I was doing. Since then Madonna has progressed further and further down the road of looking like a saddle that’s been rode hard and put away wet. Hell I bet the attention starved Dennis Rodman wouldn’t even fuck her again just to get his name in the papers.
Number two, which is an appropriate double-entendre for poop, is Courtney Love. When she’s not drunk, high, smacked out from snorting fertilizer, or just generally wasting productive oxygen, she hangs out with one of my favorite musicians: Billy Corgan. Many people like to theorize that Courtney love killed Kurt Cobain. I don’t believe it. If I was married to this sea hag I’d have blown my brains out too. When I was fourteen I went to see Lollapalooza when Hole was playing. Unfortunately I got more than I bargained for when Ole’ Court here put her foot up on one of the monitors and everyone got a glimpse of her disgusting, unkempt, vagina.
And super number one is Britney Spears. I think that Britney stands as a monument to attest that celebrity grooming can only go so far. That and she’s been carrying the demon seed of K-Fed. I’ve mentioned before that I think Brit will do porno in order to revitalize her failing money making status. Well with the announcement of her second pregnancy, and the fact that it looks like she swallowed a semi, trailer and all, I give it three years and six figures worth of plastic surgery, before she ends up on all fours as the target for a rousing game of “Pin The Penis on The Pop-Star.” Of course she could eschew celebrity saying that she’s above all that. One thing she is obviously not above is the all ice-cream and flapjack diet.
Now that you probably want to wretch after hearing stories about Courtney Love’s vagina looking like Captain Lou Albano and that picture of Britney Spears.; I would like to turn things around. To counteract those feelings of nausea I now present:
Number five is Kate Hudson. I’m pretty sure it’s the innocent, yet hot, girl next door thing that makes Kate start off this list. She seems, to me, like the kind of girl that you parents would absolutely adore because she’s sweet and a stellar conversationalist. But she also seems like the type to, once you got home, cover you in cool whip and lick you clean. Every guy is always looking for that pre-eminent combination of Lady and Whore and Kate Hudson just strikes me as the type.
Numero four…uh…four-o (fuck off I don’t speak Spanish) is Pamela Anderson. I know she’s got the Hepatitis and that without her cosmetics her face looks like old haggis in a sweaty gym sock. BUT LOOK AT HER! Every male in my generation has fantasized about having filthy pig sex with this mother of two. Of course you have to block out the fact that she’s had more meat inside her than a Jewish Deli, but I can do that. Can’t you? Hell given the opportunity I would pay to eat my breakfast off of her ass.
Coming in at number three is the super hot, and a girl whose sexiness blossomed early: Denise Richards.Denise, I fell in love with you during the car wash scene in “Wild Things”. That love was only further solidified when champagne was poured over your nekkid boobies. I’d also like to thank you because “Wild Things” launched a series of low-grade, soft-core, porno. What really amazes me is that you still have the body that you did at nineteen. If you happen to also have a catholic school girl outfit, give me a call. I’m thinking about starting a new feature for the site: The Girls of HowToKillPeople.Com.
At number two, mother twice over and Club-Jenna contract girl, Ashton Moore. That’s right, mother and porn star. ‘NUFF SAID.
And the shining star at number one, my favorite celebrity hot chick: Angelina Jolie. I have had the jones for her ever since the movie hackers. Not only was she super hot and willing to get naked on film, but she was also a computer geek. That alone gave geeks like me hope. Not to mention the fact that she ousted herself as a freak and nympho – let us not forget the interview where Billy-Bob told everyone under the sun that he and Angelina had just had sex in the limo on the way to an awards show. I know that this is your first natural child so I’ll give you some time to recover before you start wearing skimpy clothing out in public. But until you do I’ll just keep watching my favorite scene from “Taking Lives” over and over again.
I feel kind gross now, thinking that at one point in time someone may have thought things like this about my mom, but I guess that’s the price you pay. I’d like to wish a happy Mother’s Day to the all of you hot mom’s out there, hopefully you’ll be in a swimsuit calendar someday soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go apologize to my mother for being an absolutely horrible son who forgot Mother’s Day altogether. Hopefully she’ll like the DVD I just sent her from Amazon.com: The Best and The Bloddiest brawls from TNA Wrestling. Mom’s like that kind of stuff right?
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:49 pm
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!! I love your site and your humor just gets me rolling. Or gets my rolls going. Whatever. My daughter and I had this discussion last night. She said, “it’s creepy having your guy friends tell you your mom is a MILF”. Yea, well, life’s a bitch.
Great post! btw - did your mom like her present?
March 29th, 2007 at 4:03 am
Isn’t it funny how you felt you needed to use a FAKE picture of Britney pregnant in order to prove your point. This is a sad way to honor mothers day by making fun of people! I think you should have just posted your five favorites and let it be that! No that would be too moral, and it wouldn’t show how much of a hypocrite you are judging individuals by selective photos and selective situations, not to mention abusing the freedoms of the internet with this trash!
March 29th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
really? You’re defending a bad picture of britney spears? Did you not see the article I wrote about how she would end up doing porno?
July 17th, 2007 at 4:50 am
dood the movie hackers kicked ass
“THEY’RE GOING FOR THE BRAIN”
January 21st, 2008 at 10:37 am
thats one sweet picture of Angelina……….*drool*
May 1st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I never would have thought of Britney Spears (I call her BS, literally) till you brought her up and I’m glad you did. She’s one of those whom I try not to think about. She had it all but it got to her head so she decided to push her own self destruct button and that pic of her up there is so damned unsightly. She needs to be put away.