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originally posted somewhere in 2005…god damn I’m drunk

I don’t know what the hell is going on in Hollywood, but I blame Calista Flockhart for starting the trend of unusually skinny bird bitches. Just take a look at Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton; there is nothing attractive about being so skinny that Somalians fear for your health. Girls should have curves, and boobs, and they should be soft and enjoyable to touch. I don’t know about the rest of the world but the idea of making out with the skeleton that hung in the corner of my high school science lab never appealed to me. Let me introduce you to Angelina Jolie, I’m a big fan of hers and she’s got a few things that none of you do.

BOOBS These are what boobs are supposed to look like: round, firm, not too big and probably a bit heavy to the touch. Paris Hilton’s soggy eggs hanging off a nail are not what boobs are supposed to look like and, quite frankly, I am sick of seeing those floppy excuses for tits on the internet.

HIPS Remember the phrase ‘hour glass figure’? 36×24x36? That’s a good shape for a woman. Hips allow a woman to do that sexy walk-thing that every guy is familiar with. It’s that kind of walk that, when you see it, inspires a drumbeat. When Lindsay Lohan walks a red carpet all I’m waiting to hear is her decalcified bones snap in two.

THIGHS I’m pretty sure, by now, that Angelina’s agent is filing a restraining order, but I don’t care. I love this woman’s thighs. Attention Nicole Ritchie; these are the way legs are supposed to look. If you’d lay off the blow for a little while you’d probably look like a woman again. Shit, even Colonel Sanders wouldn’t cover those pipe cleaners you walk on with his special blend of twelve herbs and spices. But it’s okay, not to be one to present a problem without a solution I’ve come up with a fix for this temporary problem.

Celebrity women aren’t the only ones who should be hit in the head with a mallet; the men are just as bad. I’ve never understood how these Hollywood dipshits get hot actresses to date them and then they manage to fuck it up. For example: Jude Law was engaged to this hot little chick.

But he decided that one woman just wasn’t enough for him. So does he go out and find himself another hot little thing to have an affair with (ala his movie Alfie, which was a horrible waste of celluloid)? Nope, he decides that he is going to stay close to home and bangs this rhino.

But he’s not the only famous moron who can fuck up being married to a hot chick. John Stamos was married to Rebecca Romijn for several years but somehow managed to doushe that up. My guess is he was trying to coerce the Olsen twins into a foursome with Candace Cameron. Good job dip-shit. Charlie Sheen somehow managed to bribe Denise Richards into marrying him AND having his kids, although it’s not really hard to see how he could manage to fuck that up the way he did. So I have a message for all of you famous women who need a good man. I’ve never done coke, never banged a prostitute (let alone a high class, expensive one), I don’t have a gambling problem, and I’m funny. Quit talking to those famous guys and drop me a line, I could always use a sugar momma.

P.S. Jennifer Aniston, Brad traded up, quit calling me.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 22nd, 2006 at 7:23 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.