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originally posted November 15th, 2005

Well it’s official: Leaked tracks on the internet confirm that kevin Federline is indeed releasing a CD. Having heard the relased track I’ll give my honest opinion: It licks old, sweaty, fat man scrotum. It sucks more than the time that the shitty company that Gary Coleman advertises for turned me down for a loan. What the fuck is that all about? You guys will give that no talent, half pint, hack ten thousand dollars but not me? Shit, I’ll bare knuckle fight him for the money. YOU HEAR ME COLEMAN? I’m calling you out! I need twenty thousand dollars and I’m willing to fight you for it. While Gary Coleman can kiss my ass I’d really like to know who gave Federline a record contract? This putz was a backup dancer who’s only claim to fame, before he forgot to pull out with Britney, was abandoning his babies momma so he could prance about on stage and get some ass. While his record deal may very well be a sign of the apocalypse there is one, and only one, good thing that can come of it:

Think about it: every time this cock-chuggers career starts to tank her management whores her up a little bit more. She started her career dressing like a naughty school girl. Which, to me, says they were marketing her towards the forty-five year old, hiding in their basement, masturbating while choking themselves with their belt crowd. Which if you’re a fan of disgusting fat people and pedophiles, is fine.But once her vestal virgin gimmick ran it’s course they hooked her up with Justin Timberlake. This obviously led to rumors that her and Justin were havin’ filthy, I’m richer than you and can do what I want, sex. While this is true the one thing the media never picked up on was the fact that all of N’Sync ran a train on her, except for the fat gay one.

Once the media frenzy surrounding her and Justin wore off, and considering the fact that no “home video” of Britney getting stuffed full of dick seven ways from Sunday, ever leaked, her managers had to re-invent the Britney sex-machine. She then got her Pepsi contract. Now the great thing about Pepsi contracts is that you get a shit-load of money and you garner a lot of attention. The previous, biggest selling, ad campaign for Pepsi was when Michael Jackson was their spokesperson. Unfortunately for Pepsi, when everyone figured out that Michael Jackson catching fire was an accident and that Pepsi wasn’t pro “Setting that fucked up looking child toucher” on fire sales plummeted. when Britney started advertising for Pepsi in her “Watch me deep throat a twenty ounce bottle” campaign; sales sky rocketed. Proving, once again, that the bigger of a whore Britney Spears is, the more money she will make. Her career with Pepsi sadly derailed when Christina Aguilera agreed to participate in the “Wiffle Ball Bat Challenge” for Jaeger Meister.

Here’s the pictures, you tell me which advertising campaign was better.

So plan number 174,562 fails for Britney’s management and it’s time to reinvent the whore bag again. He relationship with Justin long gone they decide what better way to get more attention for her than to team her up with the two other biggest whores on the face of the planet: Madonna and Christina. This, my friends, was beautiful marketing. Hell, this was beautiful period. Though all of the whorish things Britney “the Cum Dumpster” Spears had done up until that point had pretty much been coated in sub-text, there is nothing “underlying” or “sub-textual” about sharing a nice open mouthed kiss, on stage, with Madonna and Christina. I’m sure that all of this was followed up after the show with a naked Jello-wrestling contest, and a hot, shared, shower where all three of them learned how to “get in touch with their bodies”. I’m certain Timberlake, having now started switch hitting, was pretty pissed off at watching this whole thing live from the audience. Sure, she’ll let your guy friends bang the hell out of her but the idea of more girls is totally out.

This picture says it all.

As you can see, each and every time her career starts looking like a giant toilet, her management starts whoring her out. What says, “My career is at an all time low” more than letting her stupid, back up dancing, baby abandoning, husband release an album? Nothing! Her career as a singer and performing artist are over. This is what has lead me to believe that it is an inevitability that she will be starring in “Prison Sex: Volume 19″ Well that, and the track listing from Federline’s CD gives away the whole surprise.

If you think this is ugly, you just wait until Ashlee Simpson turns eighteen. Hell the way her career is going, I imagine she’s already calling Traci Lordes.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 22nd, 2006 at 7:21 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.